Sunday, February 21, 2010

she bang.

the most unfortunate thing in the world.

i am giddy, there needn't be a reason. we are up to week five of the eating disorders day program, i am writing less and liking it. i really don't have to remember every minute sad detail about why i have/had anorexia and then spend so much time as to how i am going to be pro-active in which are perceived to be the 'right' choices in my recovery. eff that, last night i went out and had some indian, some shandys and some shimmy-time for my birthday. actually, it was a birthweekend. and it was absolute bliss.

lots of things are happening here and there.
the wonderful, most beautiful lovely thirteen has given me part time with at a recording studio doing rehearsal work and learning all about sound engineering, apart from that i've learnt how to eat chocolate because i like it and sniff lilies because they make a funny feeling right in the centre of my brain. some reactor is going off and i don't want it to ever end.

i've also been taking care of a friends kids after school a couple of days a week. i make milkshakes and we hang out and watch spongebob till mama deluxe gets home. sometimes their staffy falls into my lap and lays farts. it's more cute than gross.

have been skating head first into full contact scrimmaging and waking up sore and tenderized with the biggest smile on my face. i wasn't born to be skin and bone, it's quite obvious if you see my body frame.

strangers saying hello and realizing you actually have to make effort if you want to get better. i am really good at procrastinating.

js has me worried some days, but i think it is a limbo act. he is on a tightrope between socially breaking free from the claws of the public education system and is flying head first into university life. of course he's in limbo. i wouldn't expect anything less.

i have eaten so much that my stomach is screaming at me.
to sit with said feelings is an action i would rather sleep through.

water for elepants. lindt chocolate & duke.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

In the name of..

And at the end of today, the significant highlights are as followed;

clean sheets
out of mind
red eyes
red cheeks
red hair
league jacket
part time work (of sorts.. thanks Deluxe)
lots of "more than you know"
a fox, in fox clothing.
and a head to head fucking war

intense, severe, surreal.. but so fucking ready.

Monday, February 8, 2010


I really liked this.
I'm trying to find things to fill my time.. If i have a day full of things to do... food is merely the stepping stone. Can't fucking wait to work... so i can get a 'day off'... day offs and being off work for two years is two very very different things.
People think i've been on a two year holiday.. i have no chilled out... ever.. for those two years. I can't. I don't know how.

Friday, February 5, 2010

He ate my heart, then he ate my brain..

I have come to some kind of level of awareness tonight;


I don't want to be weighed anymore, i am sad when it goes down i am sad when it goes up. I tried blind weigh ins but that was just a pain in the arse because eventually i'd gained 4 and then lost 2...

Look up foodies on blogspot and you will find 1023478019274 of recovering/recovered eating disordered blogs with photos of what they eat, reasons as to why they 'parted' with their eating disorders.
Photos of each and every meal they consume. Or do not consume, who knows.

I would love to have known about these mental disorders BEFORE i "took ill" But i didn't.

As of now, i am going througha hard time figuring out why these feelings are on the brain, if i was to excessively start restricting/exercising again. I would know i am no where near where i am. There aren't even any thoughts to do so. Right now i'd love to go for a walk.. as it is dusk and the magpies are singing their goodbyes. But i'm in my pyjamas and about to have some choc chip ice cream(thanks dad, you rule.)

There was a point to this blog.
Arr yes.
The eventual weight gain;
people are going to acknowledge it. That is going to be the tester.
They think they have the right? Perhaps.
They think it's a compliment? Maybe!

I can not CONTROL what they think, what they say, what they do..
But i can and will control how i take it. (as i smile and nod my head slightly at the realization WHILST typpering away on the clatterboard).
You get it? It's okay to acknowledge somebodys body, somebodys frame, of MIND? Hell no. But of body, go right ahead!

It's all in the stride, baby.
And i will have to toughen the fuck up, not just for derby.
But for the rest of my known existance. (Unknown.) There is no right or wrong. Just be. Just do it. Just keep at it and hope for the best.

Faking it till i make it has infact been a goddess-send for me. It worked against me whilst in the hands. But right now, i fake it till i make it. I fake all the tiny things but then eventually go "hang on a bit, i AM happy! go figure".

Good one Stack.
And good one Jail.
I am amazed. One that he puts up with me talking about it so much. A counciller would be charging an arm and a leg per 10 minutes for some of our wonderful conversations. But if in any way shape or form this begins to take a toll on the friend, no thanks. I will smother it with every fibre of my being.

Please let me know if it ever gets too much. For gods sake, if you told me to shut up.. ...................... as you wish.

Stack X

Thursday, February 4, 2010

from the womb to the tomb.

Am possessing the need to be taken care of.

A childlike persona, with the indecency to manipulate current situations.

A dogs dinner.

A ripe of cherry ol' mess.

What satisfaction for oneself, is gained from having to be babied?

There was a time, when i had to be admired. Then a time when i was just happy to blend in.

In fact, there was always a strive for perfection; didn't matter who from. Usually those that don't matter nor mind.

To grow boobs - from childhood to womanhood.
To admire parents unconditionally - this is a wonderful thing for me.

Hiding things from those that once meant most, now i am nothing but an annoying blimp on their radar.

We make situations more important by putting emphasis on the insignificant(us.) We're NOT insignificant.. but we definitely have a scu wiff way of bending.. folding.. and judging situations for our own satisfaction.

I never set out to be the best, the smartest, definitely not the skinniest. But once that magnification was there.. It was like a drug. It became easy to lie behind closed doors. Because there was no way i could lose out. It was literally me against the world.

Outer subject matters made their vivid impact; and nobody saw them coming.
I believe we gain what we can from experience, what is best for us AT THAT TIME. We go on our ways, and use what we have learned.. nothing ever stops us from taking bits and pieces along the way. Be it Fake Ray Bans or Buddhas from $2 Arcades.

My point being, i have a great hole there in me somewhere that is desperate for admiration of any kind. Whether it be washing up all the dishes so i get some kind of acknowledgment. Or to make sure everybody else is happy, because then i'm happy. Forgetting that all that does matter(and i can tell this to anybody in the world, but not myself) is for us, alone.. to make ourselves happy.

Which doesn't necessarily mean putting yourself first, just your happy.
Sometimes i wake up and just go on, infact i will. But i will go on knowing full well that this is my downfall. I am 23 years old in two weeks, i have been suffering from an Eating Disorder for two years. I have the most beautiful people in my life.
Food isn't an enemy to me anymore, but it is a constant brainwash. It doesn't let me forget about it. There is a lack of control.

I strive for something.
Something doesn't have to be something.
But we all do, in the end.

Stack'em Block'em.
That's a nuff and a half for now.
Pens to the ready, it's time for the crunch.

the sky, she opens.

Sitting amongst it. Can't say i'm a fan of air conditioning, something about false air moving in and around such peaceful scenes that just makes my chest dry and my eyes fog up. Spent today down at Mums school, and a bit cleaning up the ol' Caravan that we bought for a few buck some years ago.. Finally picked it up from the lot and deciding what to do with it(after bug-raping the shit out of the inside and having to brush it down with soapy water but it's a project.)

I cut short yesterday; not a good one.
I was beginning to see vicious patterns in things that to me were no longer an issue. Having said that, i've said those exact words before at the exact weight i'm at and.. at the end of the day they're the professionals. So i'm not going against the grain, or lying down all my feelings for them to break and smash open. But I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. The main difference this time around is;
1. I'm not IN hospital.
2. I am there for me, and me alone.
and 3. I'm not "there".

"Lauren, how long into your recovery do you think you are?".
Honestly? Now i see it, i don't know. I'm not THERE. So i'm part way in the other direction. Between 1-50!? I don't know.. i said 20-25. There is a LONG way to go, but nobody has a clue just how far i have come. I'm alive, i am yet to be living.

I have new loves, new lives and new news.
Not going to prattle on, just wanted to jot down some thoughts whilst the wind is still that beautiful sweaty north. So much so, it was a REAL effort to wear jeans today. Derby thighs are amazing.

Seams are a'tearin'.
My "food goal" for last week was; to no have a say in the meal that is presented to me at around dinner time. This was discussed in session last week and written down.
7 days later, talking about how we think we went and me being damn proud of the effort and fun i DID have with it...
"This is very child like... that's what children do, have others order for them.."
WOW. hang on a bit, we discussed this, and it was more a game.. taking the emphasis AWAY from the food. AWAY from the control?

I can not pin point my body and tell you bits i HATE, sure bits i dislike.. like any normal female being.. but nothing that i can not learn to live with.
So quite making me feel like i ninny. I am trying to move on with my life, away from this jester card. You're bringing things into the equation that as far as i'm concerned DOES NOT WANT.

Stacks Out.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


I'll write this while it's fresh in my little mind.
Getting given coloured pastels to draw a poster image of the feelings we associate with the colours is not going to make me feel any better about myself.

It's not that i find the technique boring, i just would like to get out whatever i put in. Are my intentions too high?

If i shout out and say. Woah, hang on a pony. You're making me think things that weren't there before. It's obvious i have an eating disorder but i do not feel like i move on by being around other disordered thinkers.

Am i my harshest critic?
I don't feel like i hate myself enough to be there.


Monday, February 1, 2010

Wishlist Nom.