Embracing my inner LJ.

So, to anybody reading. I have now officially hit the heighest weight i have been in two years. This is a wonderful thing.. right?
I question mark that statement, because i am shit scared.

I am shit scared because now i really CAN'T play the sick-card anymore. Having said that last night i cracked the wobblies big time and found myself crying in bed from 9.30 till 3.30 this morning... and again at day break. I won't question it, i haven't 'cried' in years. I haven't felt 'full' in just as long. Now? Now i think i'm getting it. I eated a cookie, after eating breakfast and lunch and such... is that alright? Again, questioning.. seeking advice, asking if it's okay that i did that. I still feel uncomfortable dishing up my own meals, but this is something i am playing with.

I am racking my brains again, by geez the things i do for Derby.
I'm going to go for a walk before S. Comes to get me for training, this past week has just been bizarre.

Emotionally draining, tummy bubbles times one hundred, angry, happy, sad, dances, skating, reffing, calling my first minor penalty on a Toxic. That was scary. That was real fear. These fears i have are made up of false facts and idiotic negative talk.

It was a delicious cookie mind you.
m&m coles cookie. I may have one with a cup of tea before bed tonight?

Don't plan.
So, i broke my car. Yep.. took on some extra work babysitting and broke the Knuckle of the left hand shaft.. BROKE IT GOOD!! Smashed, Crushed, Cranked, hello ball baring where did you explode from?
Portside Auto Wreckers.. towed him home.. i got quotes from my two favourite Greasers and was told $700+.. fuck it, Adelaides off then... LIKE HELL IT IS.

Bought the ticket before even dibble dabbling over that thought.
So ticket in hand..240 dollars and ticking the wrong box later..I think i'm going to start a Video Blog.. or a Vlog.. whatever you want to call it.
I don't know who reads this factfile anymore. Hmf.

I had two different Green Curries with Coconut Cream this week... (USES STOP 'TECHNIQUE') Because as i was writing that i was thinking how that would look divided around the body, how i would feel lying there and not being able to feel my knobbly knees knock together whilst i sleep.. HUZZAH IT'S A WIN FOR ME MISTER.

Wow, what am i talking about... YES... CAN OF V..
Okay, so Oh yeah... ANYWAY.

CAR SHE IS FIXED!!
ONE DAY LATER AND ONLY 220 DOLLARS OUT OF FUCKING POCKET!?
MICK FROM PORTSIDE AUTO WRECKERS I LOVE YOU!

HELLO ADELAIDE.
HELLO WORKING MORE HOURS.
HELLO SIGNING UP FOR INTRODUCTORY AUSLAN COURSE TERM 3!
HELLO .. hai.

Okay bishez,

Stacks on.
X

What kept me up last night..

Mum. Would you ever want your child to fall in love with somebody who may be suffering from a psychological disorder?

Horrible Fact; i don't think i would want that.

KILL SHOT.

What a strange little mug.

Including;
Date Night, pringles,freak outs, face massages, cancellations, days of crying, let downs, ball kicking, egg eating, embarrassing as shit predicaments, losing sight of the big picture, test driving fancy shmancy cars, wearing clothes i use to love, no make up days, eating the wrong thing, feeling like shit because of it, baby shopping, preparing, long talks, family ties, seclusion, annoyance, prancing in dresses, skating, not skating, skating, not skating, to skate, not to skate, to travel, not to travel.... and last night realizing, i have never been so lonely.

And alot of these feelings are to do with lonliness. You can not expect a 23 year old woman to sit at home with her family(it's winter time, who wants to go outside?) with so many rushed thoughts, rash decisions and lovey dovey movies to come to a halt with

"mum, i am so lonely..."

It's been over two years since i had somebody i could rely on, a friend is somebody you take part with. Enjoy time with, laugh with, be with. Not a reliance, stop relying, i will if you will.

I am not confortable with myself at the moment, so give me time to find my bambi legs again. I was gaining for a soul purpose, and when that was greyed over with 'not this time, stack'.. again? Of course i was going to be hurt. But i can't be hurt for a little bit, just give me a moment to come to terms with that. You put yourself out, with a black'n white thunker you THROW yourself out there.. only to be wolloped back down so quickly and so hard that by the time you come too, nobody really recognizes the new curves and the bubbly time. They're not important, what's important is that everything else is working out. And by working out, i mean under control.

Far from it.
One of my friends this all these posts are directly attacking him, i'm not the kind of person that will go out of my way to hurt somebody, unlike some. But it took major psychological pounces to get where i am now, and excuse me if i need time out. Is it time out? Or complete pushed away. What i'm not cool enough? You would pick your comfort, your happy over whatever it is i was saying. Sure you'd try and permisson a bus of wankers, but you'd also completely cut me off on a usual post training family laugh'n scoff....

Sometimes you've gotta take the good with the ugly.

Deal.

Sick of eet.

I try to surround myself with beautiful, loving things. In hope that one day it'd remind me of it all, when in fact it has been happening this whole time.
You know what stinks, though? Realizing you work so hard, put so much effort into something you love, am so evilly passionate about. To the point of secret stress fractures when at the end of the day, you're under your own radar.

So to this i ask, what's the point?
Do i continue doing so, or do i go back to finding something else.

You really hurt my feelings tonight, a friend wouldn't have done that to me.
As long as you're alright, it's okay.. i'm glad that's how you feel. I know many very happy people that live like that. Miserable, People Hating, It's not selfish, it's just you feel good as long as you're happy.

Cool, have fun with that.
I meant what i said yesterday, and one thing i am really good at. Is lying to myself more so than to others.

Don't tell me how you took this, not up to your standards. Like the world.

The deville said 'take this pill'.
She was sweet,

X

TOO TIRED TO GO TO BED!

CURRENT CLOTHING: White scrimmage tee which i'll now wear to bed and sailor underwear... under a cosy dressing gown
CURRENT MOOD: full as a goog and exhausted from training, blissful.
CURRENT HAIR: In a top knot!!
CURRENT ANNOYANCE: Walking down the hallway to bed, probably do some curls and push ups before dying.
CURRENT SMELL: Fresh air coming in from outside
CURRENT THING YOU OUGHT TO BE DOING: Sleeping! Chasing Duke away from catching bats!
CURRENT JEWELLERY: NADA!! Except for two peircings which i've never taken out.
CURRENT BOOK: Zombie Survival Kit I.
CURRENT WORD: Douchebag
CURRENT CRUSH: Bill Murray, Gerard Butler, Ol' Blue Eyes, Roller Derby.
CURRENT LONGING: Cuddles in bed.. two years is a long time to be lonely
CURRENT MUSIC: Really digging Fame Monster - Lady Gaga and White Album - The Beatles and Gogol Bordello, probably more so than usual because i am sad i missed the show :(
CURRENT WISH: To wake up and be happy.
CURRENT MAKE-UP: None, mm clean face after training scrub a dub.
CURRENT REGRET: Eating the second serving of Pecan Danish and Ice Cream!! Tummy says NO DICE. Will regret it in the morning.
CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE: Atom Bombs Vs. Psychotics with Mum, Dad, Paul and Tessa standing in the background.. my favourite photo.
CURRENT AMUSEMENT: www.whiteninjacomics.com
CURRENT OBSESSION: When Zombies Attack, Roller Derby, Being Happy, Massages !!

Look, Say, Cover, Write, Check.

Woah. Talk about a bit of a break.

So it's a Thursday morning on top of Leopold Hill. Heading for a top of 30 degrees. Suffice to say i am in the shortest of shorts and a pink teeshirt ready to.... play Wii by myself and possibly munch on some Mars Pods.

Where have i been? Where HAVE i been? WHERE HAVE I BEEN!?

Not far, haven't stumbled anywhere new. Lots of Skating, lots of noms, lots of faces, lots of not-so-much-writing. This has been both good and this today, right now is the crunch. I came to a lot of realizations whilst doing the Day Programme as an out patient.

1. A thought is not a fact.
2. I had no idea what a feeling felt like.
3. Anorexia was never my 'problem'.
Turns out, this whole anxiety issue just manifested in the nutrition side of things. If i was stressed, if my surroundings were somehow sad(a feeling.) or blurry, i would lose all sense of feeling and end up either eating(EAT LAUREN EAT YOU'RE MEANT TO BE GAINING WEIGHT.) So on many occasions over eating which led to a FEELING of fullness, which lead to a THOUGHT of guilt, which quite easily led to restricting/over exercising because i was in such an uncomfortable, unreal situation with my own feelings.

I found somebody to talk to, an old friend actually. Accredited friend, but a friend none the less.

Balama has flown away, to play in brighter sunlight and show off her wings of steel.
I'm going to miss her, i miss her now actually. But there is no doubt in my mind that i won't skate at her side soon enough. Sip coffee with her on some strange business like avenue with one of us in uniform and the other happy to see the other. And i can't wait.

But in no rush to go anywhere. Another realization. I was always reaching for something else. Once i do this SOMETHING will occur, when i eat that SOMETHING will happen.. Something GREAT, GRAND, WONDERFUL will happen and everything will be alright.

Turns out things were just alright the whole time. I just couldn't feel any of it.

Roller Derby is my boyfriend.
Having said that, you will probably find me playing dirty on it every now and again. You will find me crying over it when my feelings are hurt.
It will leave me with bruises and stains. But in this case, i'll smile at them and remember the good times. Somehow a very strange brush with history.

I realized eating delicious foods can be a wonderful thing, and there is no point sooking because your meal came to you cold. Or because somebody put butter on your beans. Look around and take in the fact you have your ever-supportive Mum with her own stresses and anxiety. Your dad, who after fighting cancer, depression, wollowing in agony and now manages to let out an "i love you sweetheart" every now and again, who can't find work and still helps to support his two adult daughters and can't find a job, sits with a smile most nights.
They're real, i lost so much touch with my own sense of satisfaction that i would go days without eating because i didn't know what hunger FELT like. I didn't know what Happy felt like, i'd laugh and be shocked!!

GRDL handed me the most precious gift last week, i have pride. PRIDE god dammit.
"The colour was white, white and yellow". Baby steps mind you.

I don't know who even reads this anymore, but i type faster than i write and it gets to a point where i need to word vomit.
Carrying round a thesaurus.
"i feel.... bewildered".

Thank you GRDL.
Thank you Jeannie.

I love you.

x

she bang.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jh4NqLLn4J8

the most unfortunate thing in the world.

i am giddy, there needn't be a reason. we are up to week five of the eating disorders day program, i am writing less and liking it. i really don't have to remember every minute sad detail about why i have/had anorexia and then spend so much time as to how i am going to be pro-active in which are perceived to be the 'right' choices in my recovery. eff that, last night i went out and had some indian, some shandys and some shimmy-time for my birthday. actually, it was a birthweekend. and it was absolute bliss.

lots of things are happening here and there.
the wonderful, most beautiful lovely thirteen has given me part time with at a recording studio doing rehearsal work and learning all about sound engineering, apart from that i've learnt how to eat chocolate because i like it and sniff lilies because they make a funny feeling right in the centre of my brain. some reactor is going off and i don't want it to ever end.

i've also been taking care of a friends kids after school a couple of days a week. i make milkshakes and we hang out and watch spongebob till mama deluxe gets home. sometimes their staffy falls into my lap and lays farts. it's more cute than gross.

have been skating head first into full contact scrimmaging and waking up sore and tenderized with the biggest smile on my face. i wasn't born to be skin and bone, it's quite obvious if you see my body frame.

strangers saying hello and realizing you actually have to make effort if you want to get better. i am really good at procrastinating.

js has me worried some days, but i think it is a limbo act. he is on a tightrope between socially breaking free from the claws of the public education system and is flying head first into university life. of course he's in limbo. i wouldn't expect anything less.

i have eaten so much that my stomach is screaming at me.
to sit with said feelings is an action i would rather sleep through.

water for elepants. lindt chocolate & duke.
xxx