Happy 1st day of Advent Calender sweethearts!!
That little window of hope popped open this morning with absolute glory.
I've had a temper, a tantrum and basically been on the brink of losing all my shit lately. Whether it be added stress from decision making. Cluttered mind from missing A. Or just a hormonal piece of shit really.
I'm not eating healthy, sometimes not at all (out goes my 90-20%) and trying to be 'normal' means not eating when i'm not hungry... right?
Even after exercising?
Always waiting to be told what to do. Inside i am merely 7 years old looking for somebody to hold my hand. SO i don't have to go it alone.
Having said that, get close to me and i'll bite.
Very Hard.
I recieved my Stat results - i ripped it up
I recieved a letter saying i was unsuccessful with a Job Interview somewhere that i desperately wanted to work - i ripped it up
I recieved another letter saying i was unsuccessful in the Primary Teaching course i enrolled for (sure, it's only first round... but really... what the feck is the world telling me?)
And i just recieved a telephone call from the Gordon saying i have an interview for Animal Studied Cert II next year. This and work would be absolutely amazing for now.
I can work and study, and even better save some Mooney for the next few years of my studying, working, traveling life.
I emailed the only Highland Dancing teacher in Geelong that (NOT Union dancer!! SCOTTISH OFFICIAL BOARD!!) is close and.. i really want to get back to my roots.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM9pGKmGnro&feature=related
Bloody Marys Vs. Dead Ringer Rosies
I won't lie, i had a sneak peak at some photos on Facebook... I barely remember the day. I remember eating hot chips and 'deserving a coke' and then getting KFC on the drive home...........I just don't feel it anymore. The passion and charisma for Roller Derby like i use to. If the aim in life is to be happy, and do things to make you happy, and work to get by, so that you are happy... theni think this two month break from Roller Derby is what i need... to do some flitting about this big wide world without the hustle and bustle of attendance, of obligation i have for a sport i loved oh so.
I'll keep up my fitness obsession;
swimming
yoga
dancing
running
walking every day
i can't not, i use to be fat. And i hated myself.
i am not fat, i am not as skinny as i use to be (though still technically quite underweight and battling an eating disorder) but at the end of the day i just want to be happy.
if healthy and happy go hand in hand... then i'll do whatever i can.
i had the most amazing dream last night.
A collaboration of 58, standing in the backyard while a man that looked like that weird plastic faced man from the kids HEALTH freak show stood at the door of a helicopter throwing out free basketballs filled with sweeties.
alright i'm going to meet aron for burgers
and i'm shitting myself.
about everything
Bhoy loses his bits tomorrow. :(
really worried about him, i don't want him to be in pain with his tail..not now not ever, do i deminish this by getting it fixed now? Or do i let it proceed until it becomes too painful for him and puts him through more trauma as an adult dog?
xxx
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Big'n Blood'n; prepare for the lashings.
First to the points;
#Bhoy spent his first night outside last night, after giving him some left over BBQ chicken breast meat... his adorable farts were so putrid at one stage i regurgitated the Vienetta myself, mother and sister had earlier demolished amongst the 3(did it shrink since being in a Pizza Hut Meal Deal all those years ago?)
He didn't seem to mind, when i went down to check on him at about 6.30 he was fast asleep, dreaming of rabbits(or whatever he's always chasing in his dreams.. ) on Spikes bed and the big black bear was coiled up on the blanket i put out for Bhoy! It looked as though Spike had given Bhoy his bed for the night... be still my beating heart!!
So the night was really nice, i don't know what has changed.. apart from not being so highly strung my emotional catastrophe has gone down by at least 4. Something i forget to remember is that i am infact a woman, i was born with ovaries and breasticals(to my own surprise.. all that time i spent strapping down and double sports bra'ing feels like such a waste!) and like every other female in this world i go through hormonal patches. I also have pimple break outs(no matter how much dad tells me 'you're STILL getting them, you're too old for them!'.. thanks dad).. And i still sleep with a lavender heat pack every night curled into a ball as it rests burny burny on my abdoman, this is a problem and i will see L about it sooner rather than later. I have always had lady troubles.
I was put on the pill when i was 16 to help stop my cramps, which were so bad at one point i remember writhing in pain on the couch downstairs not even caring that we had family friends over, i was in agony.. i recall telling mum i wanted to 'cut it right out of me' .. the cramps subsided and i barely got my period. I would never do sports classes in fear of 'spills' and highland dancing nights were spent toilet breaking 5 or 6 times just in case. I was embaressed to use tampons too.. never used one in my life actually. Sorry that's a bit too much.
At 17 after being in what was my first love and first relationship we did what normal 17 year olds do. I went and got Implanon inserted into my right bicep.. right under McManus. This caused an onset of many problems. Not recieving my rose petals for a good 2 years. Droplets, cramps, but nothing worth saving for the Sweeney Todd.
When i got it removed the doctor asked how my mood had been, after adding 10KG+ to my already puppy fatted body i basically deflated.
Just as i started to get back into some kind of regime(i think i had 3 sets of monthly woahs before.. well before all this)
Last time i had my period, i was sitting in the bathroom at a Sydney Hostel while the man i was umming and ahhing about leaving states for played tin whistle down the hall... she was gone, i had been taking Laxatives, walking, dancing, running, not eating.. and she was gone. I was ecstatic, because i could be with him. All that went up the shitter(not literally, obviously... waster not, am i) And it has been at least 2 and a half years since i have had any slight bit of any movement down there.
I didn't get, my god, i didn't have to worry about something.
Highly strung, obsessive compulsive, undesired, undesireable, switcher, common nutpot didn't have to worry about having a specific time of the month.
But everytime this 'mind-cycle' finshes... i feel relieved.. Like i've just had an invisible patch of lady-time. Of incredible mood swings which included talk of Suicide, no motivation, and binge eating episodes(in which i over exercise, i would never.. ever turn down the other road.. shan't).
I have researched ways of getting her back.
Because having her back means recovery, it means i get the chance the CHANCE to be a mother. A real mother. I wouldn't want anything else.
When i think of what i've put my mother through? My family? How the hell do they even stand me sitting in a room with them?
I know eating more omega 3's, more avocado, more natural fats are meant('meant') to help bring it back, but there is no sure way of knowing.
Doc O'K says "your period will come back when your body reaches a more natural weight, not a happy weight, a natural weight).
Doc Lee says "crock of shit, it'll come back when it does.."
I'm not praying for it, but i sure do feel ready.
And then maybe i will have an excuse for being a bitch sometimes.
Good avenue;
I play my first ever game as a Bloody Mary tomorrow (i had a wee giggle at that myself.) Vs. the Dead Ringer Rosies at the Melbourne Showgrounds..
A few things coming up.
*Bloody Marys @ the VRDL Grand Final
*Work & Work & Work
*Reading Harry Potter (AND ACTUALLY GIVING MYSELF TME TO SIT DOWN AND READ IT!! OH AND EAT WITHOUT FORCING MYSELF TO EXERCISE!... okay that part i'm still getting use to)
*Volunteering at Christmas including the Refugee Christmas Camp and the Salvation Army Kitchen
*Bhoy 3rd Vacc & Castration
*More Christmas Shopping(bought my boss a bit of hers last night.. the best!)
*Mill Market Trawling
*Starting a summer netball team
*Isis' Board game night
*Christmas Break up at work!
*Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers Bout on the 5th of December!
Tra la la
#Bhoy spent his first night outside last night, after giving him some left over BBQ chicken breast meat... his adorable farts were so putrid at one stage i regurgitated the Vienetta myself, mother and sister had earlier demolished amongst the 3(did it shrink since being in a Pizza Hut Meal Deal all those years ago?)
He didn't seem to mind, when i went down to check on him at about 6.30 he was fast asleep, dreaming of rabbits(or whatever he's always chasing in his dreams.. ) on Spikes bed and the big black bear was coiled up on the blanket i put out for Bhoy! It looked as though Spike had given Bhoy his bed for the night... be still my beating heart!!
So the night was really nice, i don't know what has changed.. apart from not being so highly strung my emotional catastrophe has gone down by at least 4. Something i forget to remember is that i am infact a woman, i was born with ovaries and breasticals(to my own surprise.. all that time i spent strapping down and double sports bra'ing feels like such a waste!) and like every other female in this world i go through hormonal patches. I also have pimple break outs(no matter how much dad tells me 'you're STILL getting them, you're too old for them!'.. thanks dad).. And i still sleep with a lavender heat pack every night curled into a ball as it rests burny burny on my abdoman, this is a problem and i will see L about it sooner rather than later. I have always had lady troubles.
I was put on the pill when i was 16 to help stop my cramps, which were so bad at one point i remember writhing in pain on the couch downstairs not even caring that we had family friends over, i was in agony.. i recall telling mum i wanted to 'cut it right out of me' .. the cramps subsided and i barely got my period. I would never do sports classes in fear of 'spills' and highland dancing nights were spent toilet breaking 5 or 6 times just in case. I was embaressed to use tampons too.. never used one in my life actually. Sorry that's a bit too much.
At 17 after being in what was my first love and first relationship we did what normal 17 year olds do. I went and got Implanon inserted into my right bicep.. right under McManus. This caused an onset of many problems. Not recieving my rose petals for a good 2 years. Droplets, cramps, but nothing worth saving for the Sweeney Todd.
When i got it removed the doctor asked how my mood had been, after adding 10KG+ to my already puppy fatted body i basically deflated.
Just as i started to get back into some kind of regime(i think i had 3 sets of monthly woahs before.. well before all this)
Last time i had my period, i was sitting in the bathroom at a Sydney Hostel while the man i was umming and ahhing about leaving states for played tin whistle down the hall... she was gone, i had been taking Laxatives, walking, dancing, running, not eating.. and she was gone. I was ecstatic, because i could be with him. All that went up the shitter(not literally, obviously... waster not, am i) And it has been at least 2 and a half years since i have had any slight bit of any movement down there.
I didn't get, my god, i didn't have to worry about something.
Highly strung, obsessive compulsive, undesired, undesireable, switcher, common nutpot didn't have to worry about having a specific time of the month.
But everytime this 'mind-cycle' finshes... i feel relieved.. Like i've just had an invisible patch of lady-time. Of incredible mood swings which included talk of Suicide, no motivation, and binge eating episodes(in which i over exercise, i would never.. ever turn down the other road.. shan't).
I have researched ways of getting her back.
Because having her back means recovery, it means i get the chance the CHANCE to be a mother. A real mother. I wouldn't want anything else.
When i think of what i've put my mother through? My family? How the hell do they even stand me sitting in a room with them?
I know eating more omega 3's, more avocado, more natural fats are meant('meant') to help bring it back, but there is no sure way of knowing.
Doc O'K says "your period will come back when your body reaches a more natural weight, not a happy weight, a natural weight).
Doc Lee says "crock of shit, it'll come back when it does.."
I'm not praying for it, but i sure do feel ready.
And then maybe i will have an excuse for being a bitch sometimes.
Good avenue;
I play my first ever game as a Bloody Mary tomorrow (i had a wee giggle at that myself.) Vs. the Dead Ringer Rosies at the Melbourne Showgrounds..
A few things coming up.
*Bloody Marys @ the VRDL Grand Final
*Work & Work & Work
*Reading Harry Potter (AND ACTUALLY GIVING MYSELF TME TO SIT DOWN AND READ IT!! OH AND EAT WITHOUT FORCING MYSELF TO EXERCISE!... okay that part i'm still getting use to)
*Volunteering at Christmas including the Refugee Christmas Camp and the Salvation Army Kitchen
*Bhoy 3rd Vacc & Castration
*More Christmas Shopping(bought my boss a bit of hers last night.. the best!)
*Mill Market Trawling
*Starting a summer netball team
*Isis' Board game night
*Christmas Break up at work!
*Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers Bout on the 5th of December!
Tra la la
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Halfway. Halfblood. Halfdone.
Just in from the ladies night with Mum & Tessa.
We hitched up our skirts and headed down to Waurn Ponds to see Part I of Deathly Hallows.
I don't really have enough brain space to focus on.. well anything lately.
I use to read, write, watch, listen for hours.. i was happy then, or thought i was. No, i was happy. Content at least.
People wanted to read what i thought.
Wanted to be around me.
I tried on a Size 12 dress today, it fell off of me.
We bought Grip Ball.
I think i am addicted to the fuzziness of Fizzy Pop. Coca Cola.
I don't know if this is an addiction or just because somebody else did it.
Have i honestly become that numb to myself?
Who the fuck am i?
I see somebody with Popcorn and think "if they can, i can, i want popcorn"
Sometimes i eat chocolate because if they can, then i should be allowed.
Does this sound normal?
I went over a year without even the scent of chocolate being allowed into my nasal capacity incase i inhaled bad calories.
So after the Harry Potter slash Fat Fest all i think about is how early i'm going to have to get up to go for a run slash walk.
Oh god, these feelings are far too real and far too familiar... Right, do i go and talk to somebody again? Though i don't have a reason?
Do i just let myself indulge and swallow my pride?
Suck it up, princess?
What i wouldn't give to be normal.
We hitched up our skirts and headed down to Waurn Ponds to see Part I of Deathly Hallows.
I don't really have enough brain space to focus on.. well anything lately.
I use to read, write, watch, listen for hours.. i was happy then, or thought i was. No, i was happy. Content at least.
People wanted to read what i thought.
Wanted to be around me.
I tried on a Size 12 dress today, it fell off of me.
We bought Grip Ball.
I think i am addicted to the fuzziness of Fizzy Pop. Coca Cola.
I don't know if this is an addiction or just because somebody else did it.
Have i honestly become that numb to myself?
Who the fuck am i?
I see somebody with Popcorn and think "if they can, i can, i want popcorn"
Sometimes i eat chocolate because if they can, then i should be allowed.
Does this sound normal?
I went over a year without even the scent of chocolate being allowed into my nasal capacity incase i inhaled bad calories.
So after the Harry Potter slash Fat Fest all i think about is how early i'm going to have to get up to go for a run slash walk.
Oh god, these feelings are far too real and far too familiar... Right, do i go and talk to somebody again? Though i don't have a reason?
Do i just let myself indulge and swallow my pride?
Suck it up, princess?
What i wouldn't give to be normal.
Monday, November 22, 2010
from 28/01/2010
I will ref a Bout
I will go to Sydney
I will get a tattoo
I will welcome a new Bern
I will venture outwards
I will join two groups
I will dye my hair
I will do more volunteer work
I will find Part Time/Full Time work doing something i ENJOY
I will get bar work
I will save some paper and shrapnel
I will complete two short courses
I will apply for 2011 University
I will go to the Dinosaur Museum
I will fall in love again and again and again
I will walk the Otway fly
I will go camping
I will celebrate my best friends 21st
I will get ready for the big migration outta mama hens
I will make time to be bored
I will read five books that i've always wanted to
I will go to the movies alone
I will learn how to make REAL coffee
I will find duke a best friend
I will volunteer at the School
I will get my motorbike licence
I will get my fishing licence
I will learn to play piano/pianee!
I will learn my nephews favourite colours/songs/teddys?
I will get a massage table and DO what i am qualified for!
I will start my own business
I will be happy
I will wake up early
I will meet strangers
I will do my VSDMA Teaching
I will go to Sydney
I will get a tattoo
I will welcome a new Bern
I will venture outwards
I will join two groups
I will dye my hair
I will do more volunteer work
I will find Part Time/Full Time work doing something i ENJOY
I will get bar work
I will save some paper and shrapnel
I will complete two short courses
I will apply for 2011 University
I will go to the Dinosaur Museum
I will fall in love again and again and again
I will walk the Otway fly
I will go camping
I will celebrate my best friends 21st
I will get ready for the big migration outta mama hens
I will make time to be bored
I will read five books that i've always wanted to
I will go to the movies alone
I will learn how to make REAL coffee
I will find duke a best friend
I will volunteer at the School
I will get my motorbike licence
I will get my fishing licence
I will learn to play piano/pianee!
I will learn my nephews favourite colours/songs/teddys?
I will get a massage table and DO what i am qualified for!
I will start my own business
I will be happy
I will wake up early
I will meet strangers
I will do my VSDMA Teaching
Sunday, November 21, 2010
things to make me go sigh
you're on your own, my little nightmare.
you can not stay here..
it's far too bright for you
if they attack you, just lay there
play dead, dear.. it's your only way of pulling through
ni
Pid Dee Diddly Squat Me.
I haven't been this down..out of it..emotional..sad... depressed, in a long time.
I don't know what the reason for it, things seem to be sorting themselves out alright..i just can't get out of this shadow.
Like an eclipse that everyone is kind of prepared for.
A backwards downfall, i'm falling down hard.
I want my sister there for support; just greeting me good morning would be a start.
Am i expecting too much from her? from myself?
Ever since M sat me down in that room that afternoon shit has just gone rotten.
Basically telling me everything i thought i was okay at.. is wrong.. i'm lazy, distracted, and not worthy of the $ he pays me for casual hours.
I feel ripped off.
Broken hearted.
I feel like i'm never going to be happy again.
Facebook would be a brain numb-er but i don't wanna go back to that.
I'd rather sit on the front steps with a cup of tea and be miserable.
I can see this going on till the day i sink into that cold damp earth.
Derby? lost every ounce of passion, i go to training.. i'd rather be home.
Bhoy? My god he's precious but ocd is bitching me at the moment and i'm missing crucial days and hours spent without him... whence blogging.
seeya.
I haven't been this down..out of it..emotional..sad... depressed, in a long time.
I don't know what the reason for it, things seem to be sorting themselves out alright..i just can't get out of this shadow.
Like an eclipse that everyone is kind of prepared for.
A backwards downfall, i'm falling down hard.
I want my sister there for support; just greeting me good morning would be a start.
Am i expecting too much from her? from myself?
Ever since M sat me down in that room that afternoon shit has just gone rotten.
Basically telling me everything i thought i was okay at.. is wrong.. i'm lazy, distracted, and not worthy of the $ he pays me for casual hours.
I feel ripped off.
Broken hearted.
I feel like i'm never going to be happy again.
Facebook would be a brain numb-er but i don't wanna go back to that.
I'd rather sit on the front steps with a cup of tea and be miserable.
I can see this going on till the day i sink into that cold damp earth.
Derby? lost every ounce of passion, i go to training.. i'd rather be home.
Bhoy? My god he's precious but ocd is bitching me at the moment and i'm missing crucial days and hours spent without him... whence blogging.
seeya.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
For evil to flourish, all that is needed is for good people to do nothing.
For the first time in a few weeks; i gave myself the morning off from running.
To switch on the television and watch the recorded season final of PTTR, my shameless love for the fictional familia is overwhelming at best.
I empathize with Ben.
I awe at Ruby.
I love the whole show.
I cook myself a toasted spice fruit muffin with butter and enjoy a huge cup of Moconna.
All in peace and tranquility. Because i don't give myself enough.
To put it simply; if i'm not doing something. Then i'm doing nothing.
To relax means i must have done something in order to deserve the relaxed state.
Bhoy whimpers, because he has cracked the sads after me yelling at him for eating an entire ashtray, and it's ingrediants.
I'm biting the bullet and going to meet up with A-ron today.
I am not sure how this is going to go, or even if it is the sure thing to do. But i'm doing it, because i do miss him. And something has to change.
Everything has turned to brown and i spend most evenings alone, pitying myself for not having the balls to change. Writing lists and lists of things i want to achieve, places i want to go.. and never actually taking the steps to do so.
What has happened to me lately?
What has changed that has driven me back into this state of complete sadsack?
Whatever it is, kindly piss off.
It's Christmas Time, and i will NOT let you steal my sunshine.
27th November - Bloody Marys VS. Dead Ringer Rosies @ Melbourne Showgrounds.
5th December - GRDL XMAS BOUT - Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers
17th December - NO SLEEP TILL MELBOURNE
I don't want to be so wound up working that i forget to ENJOY things..
I use to ENJOY puppies and people, and i have driven myself into the ground completely, perfectly, exactly what i'd set out to do.. beat perfection.
There is no perfection in shrinking.
To switch on the television and watch the recorded season final of PTTR, my shameless love for the fictional familia is overwhelming at best.
I empathize with Ben.
I awe at Ruby.
I love the whole show.
I cook myself a toasted spice fruit muffin with butter and enjoy a huge cup of Moconna.
All in peace and tranquility. Because i don't give myself enough.
To put it simply; if i'm not doing something. Then i'm doing nothing.
To relax means i must have done something in order to deserve the relaxed state.
Bhoy whimpers, because he has cracked the sads after me yelling at him for eating an entire ashtray, and it's ingrediants.
I'm biting the bullet and going to meet up with A-ron today.
I am not sure how this is going to go, or even if it is the sure thing to do. But i'm doing it, because i do miss him. And something has to change.
Everything has turned to brown and i spend most evenings alone, pitying myself for not having the balls to change. Writing lists and lists of things i want to achieve, places i want to go.. and never actually taking the steps to do so.
What has happened to me lately?
What has changed that has driven me back into this state of complete sadsack?
Whatever it is, kindly piss off.
It's Christmas Time, and i will NOT let you steal my sunshine.
27th November - Bloody Marys VS. Dead Ringer Rosies @ Melbourne Showgrounds.
5th December - GRDL XMAS BOUT - Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers
17th December - NO SLEEP TILL MELBOURNE
I don't want to be so wound up working that i forget to ENJOY things..
I use to ENJOY puppies and people, and i have driven myself into the ground completely, perfectly, exactly what i'd set out to do.. beat perfection.
There is no perfection in shrinking.
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