Friday, August 27, 2010

does not want, please.

I don't want to be in the majority.
Sometimes i'll be secretly digging into some kind of food(usually something 'naughty') and like a rat, a filthy little trash rat i'll be nibbling away at a slivvering or 9 of cake. More than what everybody else had, like someone who hasn't eaten cake for a thousand years. I did it tonight, you know. One slice of me goes "it's okay, you ARE going to the gym tomorrow." And everyday i wake up telling myself it's going to be better today, it's going to be different.

My psychologist and dietician have recently put together a project where i was their main topic. I was their "it will be okay". So of course i feel disgusted in myself when i begin these.. well they are... i binge.

Because while i nibble, i tell myself no.
I don't even get time to enjoy because i'm too busy feeling embaressed and disgusted in myself. The tearoom at work, when people are in the next room. Sometimes i've tried to speed them along so i could secretly steal another crumb of chocolate from the table.

When will this stop?
My stomach is bulging out around my abdomen and i can't explain why. I can't really pass anything solid at the moment and i'm turning back into old ways.

I have been to the gym once this week.
One; because i have a cold/flu. (though sweating it out has helped in the past)
Two; because this girl came into my life, a girl who wants what i am suffering from
and Three; because i've been lazy.

I haven't been listening to myself at all.
I've been telling myself No More Sweeties.
No more Chocolates.

I write lists of things to do to keep my occupied so eating isn't a trouble but a joy and a usual day to day thing.

I don't even have normal hunger pains anymore. I am either not hungry and eat anyway or i'm so worried or anxious thinking about the food that i eat and forget i've eaten and just sit their in an excited rage of emotions.

I'm too tired for this, it's all in the head.
Everything is in the head.
We control our minds, actions, behaviours.
Please help me be strong enough to turn the other stone.

I look bigger, healthier. People recognise.. And when i try to forget it is brought up again. If not by people i know then by strangers.
I don't want my constant thoughts to be pre occupied with food and exercise.
I want to to be happy.

I've recently decided i want to go to Uni next year and must do a math catch up class before then. But this means giving into outer limitations. I don't want to be in this comfort zone anymore.
My housemate i think is going to be moving in with her best friend and she has given me one of the best experiences at living out of home. Apart from Hospital this is like freedom., Though Food has scared me... again and again.

Not even Roller Derby has helped me out of this rut.
Work has, but even then the girls there eat cake. I want to eat cake, i want to eat cake and not worry about it.

I'm the biggest anti dieter in the world.


Just fuck off.
I'll probably be moving back into my parents house, under different circumstances until i have saved enough to mvoe out again.

My hours a\t work were cut dramatically and now all i want to do is study and be busy.
i'm sick of going to bed full as a goog. not happy full but sad full.. exhausted full... like 'just get enough sleep to gym tomorrow morning'.

Do i want to be the skeleton on the treadmill again?
Why do i emphasize my body so much.

Baked goods be the death of me.
Death by cake it will be.

I want to skydive.
I want to move to UK.
I want to visit mi familia.. the cherowbriars.
I want to meet puppies in france.
I want to cook with friends
I want to be lauren, as much as i am stack
I don't want to be angry at jailskate for burning the toast, or not living up to my..... expectations?

I want to be yoga obsesed again
i want to draw
i want to be tattooed again
i want people to se eme, i think people see i am binging myself into this shell of
something i am not.

i need to go to bed..

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