Thursday, September 2, 2010

Get on this, i choose. I chose.

I am sorry for your loss... xxx

How shellfish can one be?
One of my nearest and dearest friends is at her grandmothers funeral right now, and all i can think about is 'what's wrong with me', 'why me', 'but i don't wanna..'...

There is something so ugly about the green eyed monster, we always push ourselves to this awful level of unnatainable perfection and the overwhelming guilt that covers us when we do not achieve.. what a horible feeling.

Beautiful Eva, i hope you are okay. I laughed when you told me stories of the Hot water bottle(of coke) and the attack of the Killer Rooster (sorry mama Eva). Whenever you need a hug, you know where i am. I love you every bit.

And i am excited about Fables.

Beatles Puzzle, go do yourself.

How do i explain whats going on in my mind right now?

When somebody gives word of advice, i take it like gospel. I nod in agreence and engrave it into my head.
I want to look after myself and feel great. I want to jump out of bed again. And like Lauren would tell the world "YOU CAN DO IT". YOU jump out of bed, not the food you put in, or the thoughts in your head. You have everything you need to make a change.
Take a chance and give into the positive mind. We are far too close with the negative to realize how far we are from true happiness. We're all going to be okay in the long run. But for now, we must tighten our boot laces and man up.

I can't wait for Spring Time.. working as much as i can, saving as much as i can, relaxing as much as i can. I spent all of winter thinking/or trying to burn off calories. Telling myself otherwise but a part of me just wanted to stay skinny. Sickly skinny. Not slim. Not Slender. I want to be sick.

I want to be cared for, i want to be shown the way. A part of me isn't happy with the way everything is turning out and the only reason i punish myself is because i want to be the very best i can be. And i don't think i am giving it my all.

So, bottom line is trying harder i guess.
There is always going to be something to blog about.

Here is something; i want something to take up more of my time.
I spend 99% of my time thinking about food. I'm obsessed.
Sometimes i make three meals because i don't know what to have then instead of enjoying the meal i choose i end up regretting it and wishing i'd opted for something else.

It's the thought.
The thought we don't need. Nor want. It's merely there.
Yes, i saw Inception.

But it didn't shock me, or surprise me. I spend more of my days thinkign like that. Trying to stop/trigger/engage thoughts of mine and others. A thought is not a fact.

I want to adventure. I want to learn and study and i am SO excited for university. To start off all fresh.

Day three with no coffee, no chocolate, no lollies and no facebook.
I really shouldn't do this to myself, with my black and white thinking it's like a lamb to the slaughter. Because it means when i do have coffee I've already branded it as a BAD thing therefor i will punish myself, and feel hell guilty. Same for Chocolate and Lollies.

When really i'm trying to feel better on the inside.
I went to mum and dads yesterday because i am so lonley in this house.
I hate waking up alone every day.
I wake up with a smile when Js is here.

I got so excited listening to him talking about his annual Melbourne Show trip he takes with his grandparents. I love that. Because it is so familiar. I love how much i love him.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I'm trying to give up c&c

I don't think i could have chosen two harder things to give up, i feel like death right now., And coming up to the end of day two i made the decision to quit my bitchin' and just set out and do it.

I've spent so much time procrastinating and now that my weight (or lack of) no longer holds me back i can do this. I can do whatever the frick i want.

I gave up Chocolate for a little bit, i gave up lollies for a little bit, i gave up coffee for a little bit.
I want to be making and eating my own meals again, so i will. And i am. And dandy!

Also waving goodbye to the Facebook.
Not for along, but living in this house means i must give up some things. And some of those things are things we want. or think we need.

I had a wonderful moment the other day, sitting on a wooden bridge dangling my footsies over the edge into the closed mouth river with birds singing, and cherry blossom stretched wide above my head. Delicious.
Look how many I's again. Fail. So i've decided to go home. Not because i feel like i have to. Not because my housemate not because of anything. But i feel it's the right thing to do right now. I go with gut feelings and my gut tells me.. i need to be at home right now. I'm going to continue paying mum and dad rent but with no extra expenses. I just hate feeling responsible for screwing S over. She is an amazing girl and has made moving out the best ever. but i was not her ideal roomie. She is never home, and i fucking hate it. I can't stand being alone. It's when i'm alone i am at my very worst. I want to have someone to cook for, someone to hang with.

it stinks.

I'm going to the gym.
Because i feel fat. And i hate that.

Less care, careless.

try not giving a shit

I'm trying out a new thing, it's called not giving a shit.
I got home from roller derby training and couldn't decide on what to make, so i made pizza. When in doubt. Make pizza.

Do i feel bad for this?

And by no, i mean i'll get over it.
Trying this whole no caffiene no chocolate no lollies thing.
I don't like it, so why am i doing it?

I want to be healthier. Living out of home has been added stress = added baggage = binge sessions.

I don't wanna know.
I don't want to give a shit.