Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I holla.

Happy 1st day of Advent Calender sweethearts!!

That little window of hope popped open this morning with absolute glory.
I've had a temper, a tantrum and basically been on the brink of losing all my shit lately. Whether it be added stress from decision making. Cluttered mind from missing A. Or just a hormonal piece of shit really.

I'm not eating healthy, sometimes not at all (out goes my 90-20%) and trying to be 'normal' means not eating when i'm not hungry... right?

Even after exercising?
Always waiting to be told what to do. Inside i am merely 7 years old looking for somebody to hold my hand. SO i don't have to go it alone.
Having said that, get close to me and i'll bite.
Very Hard.

I recieved my Stat results - i ripped it up
I recieved a letter saying i was unsuccessful with a Job Interview somewhere that i desperately wanted to work - i ripped it up
I recieved another letter saying i was unsuccessful in the Primary Teaching course i enrolled for (sure, it's only first round... but really... what the feck is the world telling me?)

And i just recieved a telephone call from the Gordon saying i have an interview for Animal Studied Cert II next year. This and work would be absolutely amazing for now.

I can work and study, and even better save some Mooney for the next few years of my studying, working, traveling life.
I emailed the only Highland Dancing teacher in Geelong that (NOT Union dancer!! SCOTTISH OFFICIAL BOARD!!) is close and.. i really want to get back to my roots.

Bloody Marys Vs. Dead Ringer Rosies
I won't lie, i had a sneak peak at some photos on Facebook... I barely remember the day. I remember eating hot chips and 'deserving a coke' and then getting KFC on the drive home...........I just don't feel it anymore. The passion and charisma for Roller Derby like i use to. If the aim in life is to be happy, and do things to make you happy, and work to get by, so that you are happy... theni think this two month break from Roller Derby is what i need... to do some flitting about this big wide world without the hustle and bustle of attendance, of obligation i have for a sport i loved oh so.

I'll keep up my fitness obsession;
walking every day

i can't not, i use to be fat. And i hated myself.
i am not fat, i am not as skinny as i use to be (though still technically quite underweight and battling an eating disorder) but at the end of the day i just want to be happy.

if healthy and happy go hand in hand... then i'll do whatever i can.
i had the most amazing dream last night.
A collaboration of 58, standing in the backyard while a man that looked like that weird plastic faced man from the kids HEALTH freak show stood at the door of a helicopter throwing out free basketballs filled with sweeties.

alright i'm going to meet aron for burgers
and i'm shitting myself.
about everything

Bhoy loses his bits tomorrow. :(
really worried about him, i don't want him to be in pain with his tail..not now not ever, do i deminish this by getting it fixed now? Or do i let it proceed until it becomes too painful for him and puts him through more trauma as an adult dog?


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Big'n Blood'n; prepare for the lashings.

First to the points;

#Bhoy spent his first night outside last night, after giving him some left over BBQ chicken breast meat... his adorable farts were so putrid at one stage i regurgitated the Vienetta myself, mother and sister had earlier demolished amongst the 3(did it shrink since being in a Pizza Hut Meal Deal all those years ago?)

He didn't seem to mind, when i went down to check on him at about 6.30 he was fast asleep, dreaming of rabbits(or whatever he's always chasing in his dreams.. ) on Spikes bed and the big black bear was coiled up on the blanket i put out for Bhoy! It looked as though Spike had given Bhoy his bed for the night... be still my beating heart!!

So the night was really nice, i don't know what has changed.. apart from not being so highly strung my emotional catastrophe has gone down by at least 4. Something i forget to remember is that i am infact a woman, i was born with ovaries and breasticals(to my own surprise.. all that time i spent strapping down and double sports bra'ing feels like such a waste!) and like every other female in this world i go through hormonal patches. I also have pimple break outs(no matter how much dad tells me 'you're STILL getting them, you're too old for them!'.. thanks dad).. And i still sleep with a lavender heat pack every night curled into a ball as it rests burny burny on my abdoman, this is a problem and i will see L about it sooner rather than later. I have always had lady troubles.

I was put on the pill when i was 16 to help stop my cramps, which were so bad at one point i remember writhing in pain on the couch downstairs not even caring that we had family friends over, i was in agony.. i recall telling mum i wanted to 'cut it right out of me' .. the cramps subsided and i barely got my period. I would never do sports classes in fear of 'spills' and highland dancing nights were spent toilet breaking 5 or 6 times just in case. I was embaressed to use tampons too.. never used one in my life actually. Sorry that's a bit too much.

At 17 after being in what was my first love and first relationship we did what normal 17 year olds do. I went and got Implanon inserted into my right bicep.. right under McManus. This caused an onset of many problems. Not recieving my rose petals for a good 2 years. Droplets, cramps, but nothing worth saving for the Sweeney Todd.

When i got it removed the doctor asked how my mood had been, after adding 10KG+ to my already puppy fatted body i basically deflated.
Just as i started to get back into some kind of regime(i think i had 3 sets of monthly woahs before.. well before all this)

Last time i had my period, i was sitting in the bathroom at a Sydney Hostel while the man i was umming and ahhing about leaving states for played tin whistle down the hall... she was gone, i had been taking Laxatives, walking, dancing, running, not eating.. and she was gone. I was ecstatic, because i could be with him. All that went up the shitter(not literally, obviously... waster not, am i) And it has been at least 2 and a half years since i have had any slight bit of any movement down there.

I didn't get, my god, i didn't have to worry about something.
Highly strung, obsessive compulsive, undesired, undesireable, switcher, common nutpot didn't have to worry about having a specific time of the month.

But everytime this 'mind-cycle' finshes... i feel relieved.. Like i've just had an invisible patch of lady-time. Of incredible mood swings which included talk of Suicide, no motivation, and binge eating episodes(in which i over exercise, i would never.. ever turn down the other road.. shan't).

I have researched ways of getting her back.
Because having her back means recovery, it means i get the chance the CHANCE to be a mother. A real mother. I wouldn't want anything else.
When i think of what i've put my mother through? My family? How the hell do they even stand me sitting in a room with them?

I know eating more omega 3's, more avocado, more natural fats are meant('meant') to help bring it back, but there is no sure way of knowing.
Doc O'K says "your period will come back when your body reaches a more natural weight, not a happy weight, a natural weight).
Doc Lee says "crock of shit, it'll come back when it does.."

I'm not praying for it, but i sure do feel ready.
And then maybe i will have an excuse for being a bitch sometimes.

Good avenue;
I play my first ever game as a Bloody Mary tomorrow (i had a wee giggle at that myself.) Vs. the Dead Ringer Rosies at the Melbourne Showgrounds..

A few things coming up.

*Bloody Marys @ the VRDL Grand Final
*Work & Work & Work
*Reading Harry Potter (AND ACTUALLY GIVING MYSELF TME TO SIT DOWN AND READ IT!! OH AND EAT WITHOUT FORCING MYSELF TO EXERCISE!... okay that part i'm still getting use to)
*Volunteering at Christmas including the Refugee Christmas Camp and the Salvation Army Kitchen
*Bhoy 3rd Vacc & Castration
*More Christmas Shopping(bought my boss a bit of hers last night.. the best!)
*Mill Market Trawling
*Starting a summer netball team
*Isis' Board game night
*Christmas Break up at work!
*Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers Bout on the 5th of December!

Tra la la

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Halfway. Halfblood. Halfdone.

Just in from the ladies night with Mum & Tessa.
We hitched up our skirts and headed down to Waurn Ponds to see Part I of Deathly Hallows.

I don't really have enough brain space to focus on.. well anything lately.
I use to read, write, watch, listen for hours.. i was happy then, or thought i was. No, i was happy. Content at least.

People wanted to read what i thought.
Wanted to be around me.

I tried on a Size 12 dress today, it fell off of me.
We bought Grip Ball.

I think i am addicted to the fuzziness of Fizzy Pop. Coca Cola.
I don't know if this is an addiction or just because somebody else did it.
Have i honestly become that numb to myself?
Who the fuck am i?

I see somebody with Popcorn and think "if they can, i can, i want popcorn"
Sometimes i eat chocolate because if they can, then i should be allowed.
Does this sound normal?
I went over a year without even the scent of chocolate being allowed into my nasal capacity incase i inhaled bad calories.

So after the Harry Potter slash Fat Fest all i think about is how early i'm going to have to get up to go for a run slash walk.
Oh god, these feelings are far too real and far too familiar... Right, do i go and talk to somebody again? Though i don't have a reason?
Do i just let myself indulge and swallow my pride?
Suck it up, princess?

What i wouldn't give to be normal.

Monday, November 22, 2010

from 28/01/2010

I will ref a Bout
I will go to Sydney
I will get a tattoo
I will welcome a new Bern
I will venture outwards
I will join two groups
I will dye my hair
I will do more volunteer work
I will find Part Time/Full Time work doing something i ENJOY
I will get bar work
I will save some paper and shrapnel
I will complete two short courses
I will apply for 2011 University
I will go to the Dinosaur Museum
I will fall in love again and again and again
I will walk the Otway fly
I will go camping
I will celebrate my best friends 21st
I will get ready for the big migration outta mama hens
I will make time to be bored
I will read five books that i've always wanted to
I will go to the movies alone
I will learn how to make REAL coffee
I will find duke a best friend
I will volunteer at the School

I will get my motorbike licence
I will get my fishing licence
I will learn to play piano/pianee!
I will learn my nephews favourite colours/songs/teddys?
I will get a massage table and DO what i am qualified for!
I will start my own business
I will be happy
I will wake up early
I will meet strangers
I will do my VSDMA Teaching

Sunday, November 21, 2010

things to make me go sigh

you're on your own, my little nightmare.
you can not stay here..
it's far too bright for you
if they attack you, just lay there
play dead, dear.. it's your only way of pulling through


Pid Dee Diddly Squat Me.

I haven't been this down..out of it..emotional..sad... depressed, in a long time.
I don't know what the reason for it, things seem to be sorting themselves out alright..i just can't get out of this shadow.

Like an eclipse that everyone is kind of prepared for.
A backwards downfall, i'm falling down hard.

I want my sister there for support; just greeting me good morning would be a start.
Am i expecting too much from her? from myself?

Ever since M sat me down in that room that afternoon shit has just gone rotten.
Basically telling me everything i thought i was okay at.. is wrong.. i'm lazy, distracted, and not worthy of the $ he pays me for casual hours.

I feel ripped off.
Broken hearted.
I feel like i'm never going to be happy again.

Facebook would be a brain numb-er but i don't wanna go back to that.
I'd rather sit on the front steps with a cup of tea and be miserable.

I can see this going on till the day i sink into that cold damp earth.
Derby? lost every ounce of passion, i go to training.. i'd rather be home.
Bhoy? My god he's precious but ocd is bitching me at the moment and i'm missing crucial days and hours spent without him... whence blogging.


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

For evil to flourish, all that is needed is for good people to do nothing.

For the first time in a few weeks; i gave myself the morning off from running.
To switch on the television and watch the recorded season final of PTTR, my shameless love for the fictional familia is overwhelming at best.

I empathize with Ben.
I awe at Ruby.

I love the whole show.
I cook myself a toasted spice fruit muffin with butter and enjoy a huge cup of Moconna.
All in peace and tranquility. Because i don't give myself enough.

To put it simply; if i'm not doing something. Then i'm doing nothing.
To relax means i must have done something in order to deserve the relaxed state.
Bhoy whimpers, because he has cracked the sads after me yelling at him for eating an entire ashtray, and it's ingrediants.

I'm biting the bullet and going to meet up with A-ron today.
I am not sure how this is going to go, or even if it is the sure thing to do. But i'm doing it, because i do miss him. And something has to change.

Everything has turned to brown and i spend most evenings alone, pitying myself for not having the balls to change. Writing lists and lists of things i want to achieve, places i want to go.. and never actually taking the steps to do so.

What has happened to me lately?
What has changed that has driven me back into this state of complete sadsack?

Whatever it is, kindly piss off.
It's Christmas Time, and i will NOT let you steal my sunshine.

27th November - Bloody Marys VS. Dead Ringer Rosies @ Melbourne Showgrounds.
5th December - GRDL XMAS BOUT - Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers

I don't want to be so wound up working that i forget to ENJOY things..
I use to ENJOY puppies and people, and i have driven myself into the ground completely, perfectly, exactly what i'd set out to do.. beat perfection.

There is no perfection in shrinking.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Online magic 8 ball told me to do it

it also told me i was going to die.

in those exact words.

then it's sources said yes.

guilt, shame, shame, shame, truth or die... apparent-lie.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

something, give me something.

I’ve always been a really philosophical person. Growing up, my friends would be running around the playground pretending to live in a castle or be captured prisoners and I would just sort of sit back and observe and think. I’m not sure what exactly I was thinking about- but I would just think. I would see birds fly by and think about how incredible life is, and the wind would blow and leaves would change and I would just observe and think, and be thankful. I would create hypothesis for little questions in life, and I have always assessed people for who I thought they were, not who they portrayed themselves as.

I lost this during my disease. I became extremely deep but only in the sense of the disorder. I would create ideas or theories about anything besides recovery or my disorder itself, and as I began to recover I lost this and I even acknowledged my concern about this. At the time I thought I was losing this part of myself, but in retrospect I was just transforming it back to what it used to be.

I guess it scares me a little, because it’s what makes me different from everyone else and it makes me think about my feelings and beliefs. It allows me to look deeper into my self and it’s not something I can really prepare for, I just need to accept it and embrace it. I need allow myself to be me.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

the more i am, the more i feel.

The more i like.

Skate date with Jess, i love her. Sincerely.
Manda moving home
Mario Wii with familia
Harry Potter nights with Mum & Tessa
$$ KA CHING $ $
Prostate Walks
5KM runs, accomplished
Dozing Bulldog cuddles
Losing classes
"Not Productive"
Peanut Butter
Stalk Stalk Stalk
Ashlea Hobbs

As i see the weight coming off, after indulging and the guilt that follows i realize two weeks later that all the stress and the 'lack of pleasure' from devouring ice cream/chocolate/fucking risotto... NOTHING changed... i sure as hell didn't.


Alright, i have work and puppy time.
Dolls VS. Marys tonight

Nothing by half, just a little bit.

As i sit here overlooking the corio (i would be able to see the You Yangs but alas father grey has misted over) bay and sipping on a Hawt Moccona, a billion thoughts run through my head.

Speaking of running, every morning. I admit, i don't like the thought of running.. i've never been good at it. In school, i swear i had my period for 6 years straight. Or so Ms S and Mr R would have thought. I broke my arm playing "Octopus" in my orientation at Yr 7 PE.... But after i'm out there.. after i "just get to the corner.. just past that red car... " it HITS.. and all of a sudden i'm breathing better, my chestical doesn't hurt(apart from the superman i took at training the other day).. my gut is solid, my legs are strong.. Even growing out of my cheeky little shorts.

My dad has diabetes.
I knew it.

I don't know why.
We are more similar than he thinks, but i saw the medication and it was a flash. "A mild form"...

Dad... You also told me you had a "Mild Form" of prostate cancer.
he grows the most amazing mo, never donating... merely because he donated when they ripped out the little suckers from his blood stream.. all rare now. He has rogue cells floating about which is kind of scary but my point is.. this is real.

I have the most beautiful Bhoy in the entire world. One that snores so loud he wakes me up in shock horror... one that tilts his head when i tell him i have to go to Derby now.... One that gives me gentle bulldog kisses.

He is wonderful. I never thought i could love something this much again. Duke is getting use to him and i hope he gives him a wollop of Bhoy gets too close. In my ideal world i'll find them snuggling on the couch when i get home from work.

Work = suffice.
I have to learn more.
Our range of stock.

My tail is on fire from those ketchuping.
I may have a bit of a crush going on, but it's been that long i'll ignore it for another 4 years.

I've had some strange dreams lately.
I'll need to list.

Next'll be a list.
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time.. no really, it is.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fans in colour; thinking fuschia.

Bagpipes are hootin' and a hollarin' from the loungeroom.
The kitchen smells of spray & wipe and a little bit of Lavender..
Duke is still hiding in the wardrobe.
Bhoy is washed, flea'd, wormed and outside with Black Bear
I'm two coffees into the morning, vegemite toasted and not so much hating myself

I use to think i was one of the most confident people i knew, i use to believe in myself, trust myself.. therefor trust my actions and decisions.
I skated well yesterday, i ploughed harder, i bet 9 to the line. Anybody that depicts that little metaphor will understand how happy i was.

After cracking the sads and moping outside last night with fish and chips alone on the grass .. 9 mosqweeto bites later... i apologised to Folks for being an arsehole. To my dog for crying instead of playing...

Sorry guys, the sun just came out.

I'm going shopping.
I'm a girl at heart, fuck it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Where; homeland
Time; 10.43PM
Feeling; Stuffed, Pooped, Exhausted, Disappointed, Lethargic
Matter; A whole wheel of blue vein cheese & Crackers (And sundried tomatos)
Occasion; T's Babyshower
Weather; Balmy
Alcohol; Strongbow Clear
Ate; Cold Sausage Rolls, Dirty Prawn Wontons, Packet o' Crackers, Cheese Platter, homemade Peanut butter rice bubble ball and some icing from a cupcake.
Feeling now; shattered
Why?; walked home and ate half a packet of LARGE Cheese and Onion Potato Crisps.
Aftermath; Hour run & hooping most the night.
To burn or not to burn, that is the question.

[# I eat when I am not hungry.
# I eat until I feel extremely uncomfortable, not just full.
# I eat a lot—and often.
# I snack and nibble all day long.
# I feel out of control and can't stop eating.
# I eat very fast.
# I prefer to eat alone.
# I keep my eating habits a secret from family and friends.
# I always seem to be dieting—and breaking my diet.
# My weight goes up and down by more than a few pounds.
# I feel disgusted, depressed, and guilty after I eat a lot]

Do you guys get sick of reading about it?
I had a subway salad for lunch because i didn't know what i was having for dinner; therefor 'allowing' myself the added bonus of chocolate & carbs tonight.
I'm more afraid of carbohydrates(the little fellas that stop my brain box from fudging up on me than i am of fats ie; cheese/nuts.)
I'm psycho aren't i?

Bhoy licks feet.
Things i have noticed;
I ENJOY running, once i'm out.. but sometimes i have to really force myself to get out of bed.
I don't step on drains/grates. I jump/leap them everytime..
I walk a different route every morning.
I simply MUST wash my face and brush my chompers as soon as i wake up and right before bed..Just feels better.
Dry Shampoo is my best friend. Not matter-o-factly but .. well it's awesome.
I'm going for a walk around the block to feel me better.


Thursday, November 4, 2010


Tell your friends, tell your neighbours..



Wednesday, November 3, 2010

French & Saunders.

To make a concious effort to make this blog not only about battles but show that the inner self is quite a calm, natural, rash speaking, positive, savvy, happy folkwoman.

Things i love;
Circus themes, always have.. ran away to join the Anglesea Circus when i was first dealing with some personal issues. Fell in love with the boa's, the folk, the hoops, the sparkles, the freedom.. not so much the hour drive when i was out of work.. Sdraulig gave me much insight to the beauty that the world beholds, no matter how much we choose the other path.

Animals, in general.. When i was little my favourite book in the world was a giant Animals of the World book.. as in giant, it was bigger than me.. made out of hard cardboard. A little something(the exact same, as this) Apparently i would take it with me everywhere i go, i recently found a copy of it in Kerleys Auction house but the memory alone made me smile.. I didn't need the proof.

I loved reading!!
Sign of the Seahorse
Magic Faraway Tree
Wuthering Heights
Black Beauty

I loved movies;
Comedies, Romances, Old Horror, Documentaries, Stand Ups, Animations, Telemovies..
I have hundreds of DVDS and VHS just sitting in boxes .. a Sweeney Todd still unopened that i bought for $35.99 when it first came out on sale.. how much money i spent on these movies.. and these days i can not for the life of me even attempt to sit down 'relax' and watch a movie.. This is something i would love to do again.. be in control of my head or not have control that i am able to just SWITCH OFF..

This is something i'm looking forward to with University.. a chance to give it my all while i'm there and ENJOY my time off. This week i have only worked a 3 hour shift last night, i graduate another Class tonight and then i work the next two days.. It is rediculous.. going from 37 hours to 17. I can't live like that. I just went to go into town to by make up and then realized i really can't be bothered spending the money NOR do i really want to leave Bhoy to buy materialistic crud when i can and probably will just do a Kmart run tonight/tomorrow. So why bother wasting the petrol now? Enjoy my time at home! Kick your feet up (I wake up at 6.58am every morning to go for a walk/run with Spike and i come home shower, coffee, breakfast, then kind of just.. wait around for stuff to happen.. or tidy up my to do list..)

Did i mention that i got home to my two lovebirds hiding behind my Oriental Fans last night? Oh that was a delight. I dreamt of dead feathers last night.
They're alive. Just spooked. I think i have to change their names to French and Saunders. or Lano and Woodley? or Hale and Pace?

Well my tummy is starting to growl, but the elasticity on this skirt WOW-HAY-HOLD-UP.

I'm fine.

Things i love? I love my family. No matter how mental they drive me, how much we clash, how self important they can be.. i love them whole. Even the ones that are rude and ignore me. Yep, you're still in the heartbox too. Bad luck, you got me for life.

I love my friends, each one of them have in some way or another changed my life.
From things they've said, to adventures we've had. I will try even harder to be there for them as they are and always have been there for me. I miss Kathryn like there is no tomorrow. She would ALWAYS make me laugh. So strange how somebody can be your whole world one minute and a mere dot on your radar the next.

I love roller derby, as much as i have to drag myself there sometimes. At first, it was this whole new world. Then it was an excuse to burn C's. At the moment it feels like this wicked obligation... but that's because i'm trying so hard to hold control over everything else that sometimes sitting at home quiet, without peoples comments is alot nicer.
Deep down, i love it. More than anything. I tried so hard to give it my all, to make it my world. It was one of the main reasons i somehow managed to deal with minor (yep..back down to the lower mark these days) weight gain.. it gave me something to use my body for, a tool as well as a temple.. i guess. I got to meet the most wonderful women, men alike. Beautiful souls that i wouldn't have had the chance to meet.. they'll come, they'll go.. but deep down i'll love them to bits and bruises till i slither on into this deep dark earth.

I need food.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Run as slow as you want to, but just get out there and run.

And i will try, to fix you.
Vivid moments last night.
It's ironic that i drink to make my insides stop hurting?
And it's a love that gives me heartburn, it's a song that makes my stomach churn..

1. For every glass of coffee/fizzy pop ; drink a glass of water.
2. Get out more, go for a walk, listen to the birds, breath slowly & deeply.
3. Don't restrict through the day; to indulge at night. You know this doesn't work.
4. Live a LOT!
Maybe these tiny changes can stop my fat talk.
Because when i eat something i'm so busy worrying about how it is being layed on as fat that i forget to enjoy. So if someone said 'then don't do eat it' my inner monologue, that is possesed by something trying to creep back in and kill me is saying "SCORE! TOLD YA FATTY!"
So i eat chocolate, feel bad, but feel like i am winning...
Instead of enjoying.......

Go figure.
Do you eat because you're hungry?
It's been 3 years now, i've lost most sense of hunger/pleasure in EVERY sense of the word.. and basically normality with food.
I'd much rather eat with friends than alone.
Except breakfast... i'm a sucker for breakfast

In one day of being away from the drowning land of FB i feel like i am amongst this new breed of life. Dad actually said to me... "I am proud, it's not your thing anyway..." PROUD... because i dumped a social networking site.

We spent the day in the sunshine playing with snails and watching Bhoy run into garden gnomes head on.

We baked Banana Bread... one with Craisins and Almonds.. one with Walnuts...
I had a slivvering after training...

I realized i am missing VRDL bout due to my beautiful friends baby shower. And i don't feel an ounce of sadness. Because for so long i used exercise of any form; including roller derby to avoid situations that were not 100% under my control. People say i am nice; i feel like i am so mean. Last night i munched on some Reeses Peanut Butter drops on the drive home from training, though it wasn't for long and i felt like the silliest bambi, tripping pacelines.. couldn't squat properly. For the first time ever i won SSS but Dolly wasn't giving it her all. Pitiful.

I breathed ever so slowly and rembarked on my inner sanctuary. The more i breath, the less i think. And the less i think the more i can take time to just notice things around me. I'm not ever not doing something. Or 10 things at once. This morning i asked a friend what kind of Banana Bread she prefered, whilst i was unloading the dishwasher, packing the laundry basket, getting dressed, boiling googy eggs, feeding Bub'n Squeek and cleaning the benchtop. I can't manage to do one thing at a time. Anxious energy.

And it is just anxiety. You have it, whoever reads this.
My deal is; you could tell how out of control i was from the way i looked.
I went through some old photos.

Just a ... i'm not far away from this in NUMBERS but in LIFE... another world.
I want warmer weather; for the smell, and the adventures.

O' i totally feel a list coming on.
Isis Dates-
More Familia BBQ's
Ice Cream Queenscliffe
More work? Please?
Dawg walking.

See you out there.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Been Mean, Ning too.

I meant to post care-packages that i have hoarded/gathered/made from the past 12 months to the following, and am still yet to lick the back of the stamp..Why?

I meant to get up at 6.58 every morning so i am out slamming the footpath by 7.15

I meant to make attendance, roller derby the priority more than my obligation lately.

I meant to catch up with so many, SO many.. no wonder i wasn't invited to my high school pals wedding.

I meant to call Megan to see how her Operation(not even knowing she had said op. due to shitty friend i am) went.

I meant to give up coca cola for a day.

I meant to give up obsessive thoughts.

I meant to be kinder to myself. Please?

I meant to save money.

I meant to see my old best friend Aron, what the fucks a Jailskate?

I meant to clean my room (whilst singing, Let's Get Organized.. a song my mum wrote about the important of organization skills....to the tune of Let's Get Physical...)

I meant to pay back Paul and Dad.

I meant to get my bicep finally tattooed.

I meant to study for the STAT exam, what on earth am i going to do if i DON'T get into uni?

I meant to be the friend people can depend on, not just the wimpy sick kid.

I meant to stay off facebook, FACEBOOK has become a means of the world. If you're not on facebook; it's almost as if you are living in this cyber world where nothing is said or done. This silent movie. I'm done with you; visitation rights a minority.

I meant to fall in love.
I wish somebody knew the thoughts, the patterns that go on inside my skull. Why i feel like falling in love is the be-all and end-all of life. Like i have to meet his/their expectations to be considered a better person? I'll question mark the points i'm attempting to make clearer with myself.

I meant to not make food an issue, but rather a pleasure.

Speaking of pleasure.

God i hope my familia don't find this.

I am so utterly, utterly in love with my Bhoy. He is perfect.
I don't know how, or why.. but we have to take the bull by the balls, and we have to do it now. Before the first word out of our babies lips is the status update of a lifetimes regret.

I'm back, Lauren, Stack, Danger. Whatever.