Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Halfway. Halfblood. Halfdone.

Just in from the ladies night with Mum & Tessa.
We hitched up our skirts and headed down to Waurn Ponds to see Part I of Deathly Hallows.

I don't really have enough brain space to focus on.. well anything lately.
I use to read, write, watch, listen for hours.. i was happy then, or thought i was. No, i was happy. Content at least.

People wanted to read what i thought.
Wanted to be around me.

I tried on a Size 12 dress today, it fell off of me.
We bought Grip Ball.

I think i am addicted to the fuzziness of Fizzy Pop. Coca Cola.
I don't know if this is an addiction or just because somebody else did it.
Have i honestly become that numb to myself?
Who the fuck am i?

I see somebody with Popcorn and think "if they can, i can, i want popcorn"
Sometimes i eat chocolate because if they can, then i should be allowed.
Does this sound normal?
I went over a year without even the scent of chocolate being allowed into my nasal capacity incase i inhaled bad calories.

So after the Harry Potter slash Fat Fest all i think about is how early i'm going to have to get up to go for a run slash walk.
Oh god, these feelings are far too real and far too familiar... Right, do i go and talk to somebody again? Though i don't have a reason?
Do i just let myself indulge and swallow my pride?
Suck it up, princess?

What i wouldn't give to be normal.


  1. Yes. Go and talk to somebody again. Of course there is a reason. Just because you aren't as bony as you were once, your mind is not supporting you the way it needs to be, that is plenty of reason! Look at your recent posts, they are spiralling backwards, sounding more and more like 18 months ago. We can't be having that. You have made so much progress in everything, don't throw it all away. Do I need to stage an intervention? I can and I will :)

  2. I don't want this Scar, i don't want any focus at all on my body. I torture myself with work out regimes. If i eat-i must work out-if i work out-i'm allowed to eat.

    it's merely control.
    and i don't want none of it.
    i'm calling Peter.