Friday, April 30, 2010


I'm sitting here with a weak plunged coffee and a beanie.. wondering what it is that i should natter on about this evening.
Oh did i mention i got a job? A part time deal at a recording studio? No? Well i did.

And even better? It's a derby-related, women dominated, rock'n roll studio.. in my favourite industrial neighbourhood.
So while my tummy pops as usual(really going to look into this, liquid? salt? dairy? it's something intolerant to..)
Listening to two bands shout out what ever it is THEY'RE thinking about. I tapper away hoping to one day eventually make something of this. Who am i kidding, i do this out of plain bordem these days.

I lady in bed last night, heat pack to the guts and mind even further so.. Ice Cream cravings and Craisin inhalings...I'm getting to a point where i no longer even acknowledge the negative voice that once ruled every fibre of my being. Speaking of fibre, my body totally realized i opted for blueberry crepes over my vanilla oats this morning.. giving me grief like a bitch she is.
But i realized, i don't need to obsessively scratch down every thought, every movement, every calorie .. there was a sense that i had to.

Now in Term II of the Eating Disorders Programme at the place i spent 3 months feeding up(surprisingly i have now hit a number that is no longer considered "Anorexic" "Dangerously Underweight" I am at the bare minimum of what the scales say is "bottom end of healthy".

Look body, we're never going to see eye to eye. But you know what, sometimes when i'm lying there just smiling.. I'm happy you're my body. I'm happy that you were there when i decided to make choices. When i decided to take that walk Anzac morning to see the wattle..
A fair call pulled by Miss A. last week. "So it still consumes you". I didn't have to lie. I didn't have to think of something quick. It no longer CONSUMES me. I eat at peace. I'm learning to do things slowly.

Do you know how wonderful things can be when you just slow down?
Don't walk so fast.
Don't talk so fast, listen slowly.
Watch things, slowly..
Eat.. slowly..

Now now, we can all poke fun.. come on what were you thinking "Yeah i think you took that too far". I can laugh, slowly i can see the lighter side of pale skin and drawn cheekbones.

For once in a very long time i'm just alright.
And i'm alright with being just .. alright.

So M, do you still think this is worthy of other peoples eyes?

Slowly, and yours.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Radeladia & Seeds.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Munching on some of these badboys;

I'm only sleeping.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Embracing my inner LJ.

So, to anybody reading. I have now officially hit the heighest weight i have been in two years. This is a wonderful thing.. right?
I question mark that statement, because i am shit scared.

I am shit scared because now i really CAN'T play the sick-card anymore. Having said that last night i cracked the wobblies big time and found myself crying in bed from 9.30 till 3.30 this morning... and again at day break. I won't question it, i haven't 'cried' in years. I haven't felt 'full' in just as long. Now? Now i think i'm getting it. I eated a cookie, after eating breakfast and lunch and such... is that alright? Again, questioning.. seeking advice, asking if it's okay that i did that. I still feel uncomfortable dishing up my own meals, but this is something i am playing with.

I am racking my brains again, by geez the things i do for Derby.
I'm going to go for a walk before S. Comes to get me for training, this past week has just been bizarre.

Emotionally draining, tummy bubbles times one hundred, angry, happy, sad, dances, skating, reffing, calling my first minor penalty on a Toxic. That was scary. That was real fear. These fears i have are made up of false facts and idiotic negative talk.

It was a delicious cookie mind you.
m&m coles cookie. I may have one with a cup of tea before bed tonight?

Don't plan.
So, i broke my car. Yep.. took on some extra work babysitting and broke the Knuckle of the left hand shaft.. BROKE IT GOOD!! Smashed, Crushed, Cranked, hello ball baring where did you explode from?
Portside Auto Wreckers.. towed him home.. i got quotes from my two favourite Greasers and was told $700+.. fuck it, Adelaides off then... LIKE HELL IT IS.

Bought the ticket before even dibble dabbling over that thought.
So ticket in hand..240 dollars and ticking the wrong box later..I think i'm going to start a Video Blog.. or a Vlog.. whatever you want to call it.
I don't know who reads this factfile anymore. Hmf.

I had two different Green Curries with Coconut Cream this week... (USES STOP 'TECHNIQUE') Because as i was writing that i was thinking how that would look divided around the body, how i would feel lying there and not being able to feel my knobbly knees knock together whilst i sleep.. HUZZAH IT'S A WIN FOR ME MISTER.

Wow, what am i talking about... YES... CAN OF V..
Okay, so Oh yeah... ANYWAY.


HELLO .. hai.

Okay bishez,

Stacks on.

Friday, April 9, 2010

What kept me up last night..

Mum. Would you ever want your child to fall in love with somebody who may be suffering from a psychological disorder?

Horrible Fact; i don't think i would want that.


What a strange little mug.

Date Night, pringles,freak outs, face massages, cancellations, days of crying, let downs, ball kicking, egg eating, embarrassing as shit predicaments, losing sight of the big picture, test driving fancy shmancy cars, wearing clothes i use to love, no make up days, eating the wrong thing, feeling like shit because of it, baby shopping, preparing, long talks, family ties, seclusion, annoyance, prancing in dresses, skating, not skating, skating, not skating, to skate, not to skate, to travel, not to travel.... and last night realizing, i have never been so lonely.

And alot of these feelings are to do with lonliness. You can not expect a 23 year old woman to sit at home with her family(it's winter time, who wants to go outside?) with so many rushed thoughts, rash decisions and lovey dovey movies to come to a halt with

"mum, i am so lonely..."

It's been over two years since i had somebody i could rely on, a friend is somebody you take part with. Enjoy time with, laugh with, be with. Not a reliance, stop relying, i will if you will.

I am not confortable with myself at the moment, so give me time to find my bambi legs again. I was gaining for a soul purpose, and when that was greyed over with 'not this time, stack'.. again? Of course i was going to be hurt. But i can't be hurt for a little bit, just give me a moment to come to terms with that. You put yourself out, with a black'n white thunker you THROW yourself out there.. only to be wolloped back down so quickly and so hard that by the time you come too, nobody really recognizes the new curves and the bubbly time. They're not important, what's important is that everything else is working out. And by working out, i mean under control.

Far from it.
One of my friends this all these posts are directly attacking him, i'm not the kind of person that will go out of my way to hurt somebody, unlike some. But it took major psychological pounces to get where i am now, and excuse me if i need time out. Is it time out? Or complete pushed away. What i'm not cool enough? You would pick your comfort, your happy over whatever it is i was saying. Sure you'd try and permisson a bus of wankers, but you'd also completely cut me off on a usual post training family laugh'n scoff....

Sometimes you've gotta take the good with the ugly.


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Sick of eet.

I try to surround myself with beautiful, loving things. In hope that one day it'd remind me of it all, when in fact it has been happening this whole time.
You know what stinks, though? Realizing you work so hard, put so much effort into something you love, am so evilly passionate about. To the point of secret stress fractures when at the end of the day, you're under your own radar.

So to this i ask, what's the point?
Do i continue doing so, or do i go back to finding something else.

You really hurt my feelings tonight, a friend wouldn't have done that to me.
As long as you're alright, it's okay.. i'm glad that's how you feel. I know many very happy people that live like that. Miserable, People Hating, It's not selfish, it's just you feel good as long as you're happy.

Cool, have fun with that.
I meant what i said yesterday, and one thing i am really good at. Is lying to myself more so than to others.

Don't tell me how you took this, not up to your standards. Like the world.

The deville said 'take this pill'.
She was sweet,