Tuesday, December 21, 2010

For the 12 days of Christmas..

Each year i like to be reminded as to why we celebrate the day of Jesus Christs birth.

Since i was quite young, i always just assumed Jesus existed.. i never questioned it because i was never given the option. In R.E it was more of a 'and then he rose from the dead! Can you believe it!!?' I thought this awesome man just lived among us but had amazing healing powers. It wasn't until i grew up a little bit that mum and dad gave us the option. They never said he was or wasn't 'real'.. Jesus as a man actually existed, but whether or not he was the messiah, i find it hard to believe that one all mighty being impregnated a woman on earth.

1. After that Simpsons episode with God, i will always imagine HIM with a white beard and sandals.

2. As much as i believe in Aliens (to which i have never SEEN but just couldn't NOT believe that out of all the planets in all the universe in all the galaxies that WE are the only living breathing organisms.) I can't grasp the fact that one out-of-this-world creator is responsible for the actions and decisions we make.

3. I remember Grandma use to read the bible before bed and read us passages, i questioned what would happen if we didn't believe and she said something about is not being let in the pearly gates. In my head they were literal huge white beautiful rustic pearl and diamond gates.. and behind them was this secret garden.

4. I watched ALOT of Tony Robinson growing up. No WONDER i thought it was a huge adventure story.. he himself is not one to say if Jesus was real, he just took the bible and described everything as is, jumping through tombs.. the galloping of horses.. splitting the red sea.. the story is amazing... as a story.

5. Pay told me that thunder was god banging his drum.... What kid doesn't find thunder fun after hearing that God use to like rock'n roll?

I'm not saying there isn't a higher power, i am a very spiritual person and believe that there is some things in this world that we will NEVER have proof or fact for, and you know what? I'm quite happy with that. I'm quite happy to believe that something bigger, something more unique that we can ever even conjure up is there, where? No place, not sitting on some throne throwing lightning bolts.

And at Easter and Christmas, there is always that child like side of me that wishes that this man did rise from the dead. Whether or not i live my life for him, whether he is the direct reason we are here on earth(because the big bang theory just has the dude from rosanne in it.) People can have that much faith in something they have never seen, felt, touched, heard or even been blessed for.. people that see their families slaughtered still believe that it's okay, because god is there, watching out for them.


So the real reason i wrote this is because last christmas i volunteered at the Refugee Christmas Party. I don't think Volunteering is something to make you feel nice, i genuinely think that if the help is needed than it is our right as human beings to give back. In whatever reason. I have had so much fun with volunteering that now i find it hard to NOT. I called around and asked where i could help this year and nearly EVERY place was 'full'... i didn't know whether to be pissed off or completely gob smacked. THAT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! They had TOO MANY people wanting to help?

Anyway, so they gave me a call back and i'm doing the Christmas Party again! Tomorrow day before work. I am so looking forward to it.

And after work, me and Bhoy'de Bhoy are going to get G&J and go Christmas light hunting before spinning past some Ice Cream parlour for a lickity split.

For the 12 days of Christmas i decided to give something up each day, that i take for granted.

So some of the things i have given up;

* Coca Cola

* A Bra

* My phone

* The Computer

* Coffee

* My Car

* Without Make Up

* Without Jewelry

* Meat

* Spending Money(this was most difficult.)

I don't smoke.

I don't really watch TV

I don't drink.

And i can't really escape the radio because of work.

I have 4 days to go and i am STUMPED for ideas on what else to give up...

I can't really give up showering or not talking or something, because 1. that's gross.. and 2. i'm a puppy school teacher....

So if you have any ideas; i'd love to know.



For the week following Christmas i am going to do something completely bizarre everyday.

Whether it be...

Ice cream for Breakfast

Wearing a shirt and tie

Going barefoot

outside the square...

Okay; now i must depart and finish this helluva good Banana and Mango smoothie... 2 for you Glenn Coco.. you go Glenn Coco...

If i don't speak to you before then; Merry Christmas my darlings.

Whether you believe or not, may you have a happy, safe and sparkling wine(or Maison) Christmas.. celebrate, raise a glass, dance around and be happy.


Saturday, December 18, 2010

so some things that pop into my head throughout the day

#imagine if you were still close with brad/brooke/nadsy.
#imagine if you never met mr. swan nor travelled states for pirate lust
#imagine if you never lost all that weight(which is kind of funny, i lost more friends than i did kgs)
#imagine if i actually bothered in highschool
#imagine if i kept highland dancing
#imagine if i never started roller derby, where would i be?
#imagine if i really was pregnant, when i thought i was at 17.
#imagine if i kept working in aged care
#imagine if me and kal did hit it off, would he still be here?

anyway, i'm going to bed.
Christmas Time... i love you!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Today i go without..

Since the 12th of December i have been going 'a day without..' something.
Coca Cola
Make Up
Swearing(the hardest!)
Spending a cent(even unintentionally!)

Today i am going without Jewelery.
This can sound pretty odd, but i always wear jewelry. And apart from piercings i feel quite starkers today.

Speaking of today.
Drugs, drama and dogs, what a wonderful start to my day.
Each morning i take the Boys out to adventure the world, each day i let them choose the direction and we go wandering before breakfast. Well sometimes other people have the same idea.. I had a thought of taking them to the Primary School oval to have a chase about, but after the most AWESOME puppy play date *remind me tell you about it later.. well we didn't stop and kept climbing up that hill... towards us came a lovely smiling lady and her little Kelpie who i remember her calling 'Diamond'? I told her Spike is all talk, he barks and chucks a hissy but nothing too much. Well he WENT this dog. Now i may look like next to nothing but i never lose control of my boys. But Spike still got a good chunk and the other dog was snarling.. The lady was not impressed.. Not only this but it was on the main Queenscliffe Highway so when i grabbed spiked Muzzle to hold him back it looked like i was just abusing my dog. And i got a few beeps. I had to continue the walk with my hand tightly around Spikes collar on his neck. And when we got home i yelled at him, i was disappointed. And ashamed and embaressed.

After crying. shower. breakfast. and a huge breath in and out i went downstairs to apologise with a coffee in hand. On sight i freaked, Spike was not just cowering away from me but his eye was black and looked like he'd had a stroke.

Of course i freaked, i chucked my coffee onto the lawn strapped the boys into the car and piss bolted down the highway towards Work. P let R know and i got him in straight away. I was a blubbering mess, thinking i'd REALLY hurt him. R said she'd hit me if i didn't stop crying. I love her.

TUrns out as i had a hold of Spikes neck, basically it had strained him and caused a small blood vessle to burst. It is clear now and she checked his whole body out.
I've been noticing him wimpering of a night time and constantly CONSTANTLY licking his right wrist. And R let me know it is his Arthritis playing up.

He is senile.
Has arthritis .. and i yelled at him.

After the pigs ear, the femur, and the biggest hug ever.. i think he has forgiven me.
Oh and Bhoy got his one stitch from his ball taken out.

It's just gone 11.44 and i'm about to go and get a Bone Scan, i'm not sure what the process is, but the process in my pants says i'm nervous as hell.

This is the real deal guys, this is the reality of what i have done to myself.
And this is my taking responsibility for said actions.

Burgers and Chats with A afterwards, then puppies... thank goodness for puppies.

Will jotter before Christmas..


Wish me luck....

Friday, December 10, 2010

life isn't meant to be hard.

Walking in from eighteen puppies worth of work makes for one sack of pooped.
Having said that, it was a nice day... sometimes i'm happy to have arms the length they are, i can squeeze around my friends when they need me double.

Thursday night kicked off with a woopachang, my very first Christmas Party!!
I hope i stay a helluva long time in that place.. i never wanted to work retail again, but i don't even feel like i'm ever working. Sure sometimes i'm exhausted, my boss has made me cry twice, but the good charms outweigh the bad one hundred times over..

Tom: here lauren
Lauren: aw Tom!
Tom: *drops dead fish in my hand*
Lauren: *throws fish in the air and starts doing that 'oh my god tom just dropped a dead fish in my hand' dance* I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
Tom: lol.

Penny, she stuck by my side.. they talked with me, they reassured me, they even held my hand when i didn't think i needed it. And that support came from them seeing me..Lauren.

Moments like this, happen throughout my day.. everyday.
M, oh my goodness M. This little bundle of giggles and sweetheart wrapped up into a bundle of adorable. She never ceases to bring a smile to my chops and a little spruce up in my step.

And then we have the puppies, i have my dream job. And for once, i feel like i am doing something i am good at.
For a moment there i lost it, very robotical.
Lately that's how it feels. Like it's all a script.
Hi, How are you?
Even if the answer is of the negative approach, it's set up. Not real.
And i am excellent at unintentionally lying. Not lying, so much as just not being real.

And i liked myself, when i was real.
In the moment, feeling like what's happening at that time is the only thing worth worrying and or enjoying.

Life is for living.
I have taken the first step into the rest of my life, and because of these rambles and scrambles i am starting to mend, fix and recover broken bridges and ever so fragile wings.

Who said life was meant to be easy?
I was worried this would be a haze, that it would cover me. But if i am not quite sure who me is yet, then maybe this is my back burner. Whatever helps to push on.

Roller Derby break up tomorrow, i'm looking forward to changing.
Things ought to be different.
And i feel quite positive that things will fall into place, letting go...

laugh everyday
take a moment to smell the roses

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Wishes Izzy a happy 6 months alive in this beautiful world.

This won't be in anyway near as in depth as usual, i took a step back and rubbed my eyes. Rolling out of bed the day after getting SLEIGHED by the Santas Hell-pers i felt memorized and far too brittle to write.

I'm putting the final touches to my Christmas hoard, this is what i love most about Christmas. The Pre-Gift-Giving-Jitters. The "WILL SHE LIKE IT, I HOPE SHE LIKES IT"

I have had cuddles with my pretty niece
I have written a response to a letter
I have cried into my pillow
I have played tug-o-war with a Santas head.. and lost
I have eaten Sushi with my favourite
I have lost $5 on a Scratchie
I have made a difficult decision
I have broken a barrier
I have taken things slowly
I have finished Philosophers Stone..
I have started Animals of Farthing Wood
I have run away to gardens to think..
I have heard from Jeannie
I have listened to Mario Lanza

Alot can happen in two days, and all these little things.. mean that if anything was to ever happen to me. If i was to walk outside and get hit by a bus, i tried to make the most of my life. With whatever was given to me, i lived the best way i knew possible. I had backslides, i made mistakes, i tried to do the whole 'meal plan' thing, but it was too restrictive, i like to eat when i'm hungry, sleep when i'm tired..
i have good days
i have bad days

but i am always trying

and i love you, to the point of madness.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

it;'s just a scratch..

So although i may not be doing as well lately.. i am at least aware that i am not doing well. I am not questioning as to why i am over exercising.. at first, it felt amazing.. to be out and about before others were out of bed, fixing breakfast.. i was strolling streets, avoiding work goers down the highway and basically burning as much energy, raising my heartrate as much as possible. I knew what i was doing.
But it FELT good. Then it became obsessive.

I withdrew myself from Roller Derby, and i will be taking a wee break over the Summer Break to find that little flame of addiction again. I was feeling obligated to go, having to leave Bhoy behind and in one case "YOU GET ON THE FUCKING INSIDE LINE NOW".. it's just a game.. And yeah, we all take it very seriously.. for goodness sake we ALL do... But there are nicer ways of playing. And watch your mouth.

I respect that league and like B mentioned, i am afraid that withdrawing myself means losing alot of friends, if you're not a wall-you're nothing.. well if you're not on skates what the hell are you? A shram.

I don't know what shram is, it just felt right.

2 Gallons of water later..

I'm hoping this break brings much needed rest, both body and mind.
A year ago, all i wanted was a 9-5 job, a sheep for a while, a dumb down.
Can you imagine me living like that? I'm already OCD... that would just help the cause, or it could improve. giving me some guidence in the workforce world.
So today, considering my big lump of magic has now had his testicles gone, cut, shazamm i was thinking of taking him out for a playdate.. but will have to see if Floyd or Egg would like to come.. maybe tomorrow..

actually i kinda feel like going to the mill this afternoon, i have to pick up some things tomorrow so might save the petrol and just chill at home.

One main thing i know i have to now concentrate on, is getting out of my head.
When i walk, i have to FORCE myself to concentrate on the coloured roses in the garden, the shape of the roofs, where the snails are by moonlight, because i get locked in my head and the time goes by and it's an ongoing process.
Basically i'm sliding, but with one slide back comes 3 jumps forward, i'm aware and quite positive (today) that i will make it out the other end.
And stop judging myself, for things i do, for actions and decisions i make.
I will stop punishing myself, or at least try to. I will forgive myself.

And treat myself with the love and compassion that i wish i had the balls to.

See you in the real world.

dear aron, please come out of your bedroom and into the sunshine, life is fun.

(an actual thought from my walk the other morning; "what the fuck am i trying to stay alive for, obviously i want to live, but what is this? i'm not living! i'm plodding along trying to maintain slash lose body weight slash fat!!! for what? is this a life? what am i doing it for? am i happy? FUCK NO, then why am i continueing this?") See, complete lightning bolts of rational thoughts, of reality... then i start making sure i have my daily routine set up...

what a wanker.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Can't Stop.

So after 3 years of having this lying grey matter. It has come to breaking point.
I have made an appointment with my old O' to see if i can get some more CBT. I need something. I am on my last legs. I have just eaten nearly a tub of ice cream.
This is coming from the girl that won't have toast because she is having a sandwich for lunch. I am that fucked up right now.

*cue bomb boom crash noises*

Thanks to my little butterfly i am also sleeping with my head where my foots should be.
Because the christmas tree is up and i don't want to miss out on another Christmas because the whole time i'm worried or preoccupied with food. I don't CARE about the food, it's just a constant front of lobe always there fucking fuck.

I want babies.
I want to be so in love, that's all i think about.
I want to give and give and give.
I want to stay up all night talking,
but instead i go to bed uncomfortably binged full, exhausted, knowing i will be up at 6am running.. punishing myself for eating too much because i was greedy and wasn't even hungry just couldn't help it.

Why won't it leave me alone.
Why is it back now?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Happy Thanks Giving;

It's not a holiday we as Australians, nor the English/Scot in me would celebrate. But what a beautiful day to be recognizable of the things we as humans are thankful for;

What are you thankful for?
I am slowly feeling my way through one of the most down times i've had since i was nothing but a toothpick with fuzz and now i am only settling in even more so.. So what am i thankful for?

I'm thankful for the sunshine, when it shows his glow.. warmth, saturated grace.
I'm thankful for the dedication and tender care that goes into the rose gardens around Highland Way... i still try to stop and smell the roses.
I'm thankful for my mother, for never knowing what to say, and always getting frustrated, but always the first to hug me when i need it. I break her back everytime.
I'm thankful for my sister, who pretends not to care, but is always there to encourage me to smile. And is still the same little girl at heart, no matter how shiny her car and badge is.
I'm thankful for the way Bhoy and Duke love me, It is an unconditional 'feed me, and i'll die for you' kind of love. The kind that can give and give and give with no end.
I'm thankful for my dad, who can fix just about everything, and 90% of the time says the wrong thing... but on the off chance... what he does say always is the exact thing i need to hear, at the exact time.
I'm thankful for the people i work with; who only having known for such a short period of time have become like familia to me.. showing more support than i could ever have asked for... and being patient with me when my anxiety comes out in rhythms of toxic conversation... i'm actually a quiet achiever, i am more Lauren when i don't talk. Stack attacks with word vomit. Lauren would rather sonnets and mixed poetry with a hint of sarcasm.

I'm thankful for the illness i have somehow survived. SurvivING? And the constant battle it give me.. with the drive to push on. And the world for giving me little bits of 58 and chocolate which reminds me i haven't opened my advent calender today!!

However i punish myself, the lack of sleep to organized exercise and food. The constant need for perfection.... only makes me so content for those few hours when i DO see reality at it's brightest.

I'll beat your heart out, i promise you that much.
I will never give in to you.