Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Him and It.

Didn't sleep due to Bulldog snoring into my ear? I'm not going to complain.
Happy heart.
Studying hearter for my STAT test this coming Saturday, which includes 3 hours of Multiple Choice and 2 Written English exams.
Heading off to work to buy treaties for Bjoy.

I'm not sure what his name is yet, but he is perfect. I love him.

Mum and Dad and Tessa love him; this is important to me.
I loved getting home from work and being greeted by his little face.

He will bring me slippers in the morning.
Because i ask.
And we will adventure together like no tomorrow.
But for now; study.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Be still, my beating heart!

I go to sleep one happy kat.

He is mine, mine mine.
Must it be?
It must be.

Love, love love.

Futures still unwritten; thank you 58.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Mess with the best; die like the rest.

That was a weekend.
Plane flew into Avalon at 5.10PM, or 4.15PM according to my phone. I have no idea what the 'real time' is..All i know is that was an amazing weekend with some of the most beautiful, most surreal, most incredible people i am lucky enough to call friends, sisters, familia, acquaintances, co-workers? They mean the world to me; my sister in law is married to my brother. This doesn't make her any less a sister to me than my blood sister. I love them just as much. I understand exactly how people decipher the derby family/cult aspect of it; but they're their for me. They send me 3AM texts if they think i've been too quiet. That proves loyalty, sisterhood, companionship.

I guess i can dotpoint majority. If followers of Derby read on;
1. the game had to have been flawed. No bias shown
*Scores were not shown
*Penalties were not called
*Jam Refs missed about 10 Call-Offs...

It was like a theatrical performance; all lights and sparkles(lack of lighting; actually). Look, it's great. Wonderful even that such a wonderful show was put together and GRDL were invited up for it. But one of my best friends got smacked in the Jaw and is awaiting results due to messy DANGEROUS play and no penalty was called. The girl even apologised for the way she high-hits. Don't apologise; don't DO it.
From the side lines the game was magical. It was GRDL in all their glory. Trapping, Running, Catching, Crawling, Waiting, Killing fucking WINNING that game.

It was premepted.
All i know is; i ate like i was on holiday.
from everything, including my anorexia. I haven't laughed that much in YEARS! I was uncontrallably happy. Now to come home settle in and find my rhythm. Strecthes, Yoga, Relaxation, Dancing, Skating, Laughing, Talking, Writing, Studying, Working. Finding my happy medium.

Why would KG make me happier?
Added i mean, for health sure. But for mind? Surely i would have made this assumption before. Assume NOTHING. I force food down my throat at sometimes a sickening disturbing rate because i am PETRIFIED for starving. I can't emphasise this anymore. I lose all control when eating. Sometimes.. on my good days i eat, i laugh, i talk it's all dandy. Then i go to do something and eat in secret, like a little fat rat. This is the part of me i do not like.

Mum tells me to not be so hard, but that in itself is remarkably difficult.

I will call J, A from now. There is no more Jailskate. After the heartache there gotta be some sunshine. I miss that boy more than anything. And i was going to fill the void with a little American Bulldog X American Staffy. But i can't do it. I want to. Will i? DO I? Why should i? HOW CAN I?

*Savage in "Boston Dawgs".
*Isis with Kebab AND Pizza.
*Crushed Apple Cider on Tap
*Sleep Talking
*Hurt from teammates "You're not a skater, skaters first"... thanks for reminding me.
*Iced Coffees and Toast
*My first Big Breakfast (9hours full)
*Shopping till i was dropping, not a cent on something wortwhile but a smile.
*Plans, Adventures, READY FOR IT!
*Seeing auld friends, from other lifetimes.

A girl i was in hospital with is now Skating as a Freshie for the Albury team... you have NO idea how much i smiled when i heard this.

That, THAT was a trip in itself.
5am Violet Crumbles.
Not sure about Pooch.
Working FULL ON.
Oh o.

Must work it out tomorrow. Woops i wrote work out.
No i will go for a walk tomrrow.
Stress Less.
Fun More.
Eat slower.
Less rules.

Make Happy and GO!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

has always had a thing for the beast...

I find myself looking past my achieved goals; just so the stress has passed.
Instead of being mindful of where i am; and what i am doing.

Take Brisbane for example, Monday is as much on my horizon as the bout on Saturday. Instead of just being completely jibber jabbered that i've been ALLOWED and WORKED HARD to get to the point where i'm even considered an 'Emergency' and allowed to sit on the side lines cheering on the girls i train three times a week with. I have my best friends name tatooed on me. Both of them actually, and yet i have been so wrapped up with Roller Derby lately that i haven't had 'time' (nor made) to see her/them.

My neice has been alive for four month; and i have barely seen her.

Fuck that for a joke.

(it's the day for profanities).

Ps. 9.52AM and i'm staring adoringly at the Beast whilst goosepimples rise from the music of Beauty and the Beast. He was only meant to be portraying a 20 year old man turned into said Beast. going to bed as a Bloody Mary

Knee Deep in Pooch Shampoo
Our Jacks brothers kisses
Hart for Familia
Late Night Work Phonecalls
Osteo Morrow
Vol au Vants
Midnight Crumpet Dinner
Brisbane in 1.5 sleeps
Early Morning escapades with the Black Bear
Ooh a favourite.

So i tend to eat, think, plan around Derby training.
Yes, i have an Eating Disorder. Yes i notice that my time-away has been short lived due to planning for Brisbane.
But i am more than excited that my hours at work have increased within walking in and walking out.
I will be skating for the BLOODY MARYS at the Grand Final for the VRDL at the Melbourne Showgrounds.
I'm late to bed, again.
I ate late night dinner and didn't feel bad.
Because Peanut Butter fixes everyting.
I over ate because i was nervous, constant need of feed due to "the control was all i was good at".
Erhm, naming the hound.
Aye, Doing exactly what makes me happy.
Paying off debts.
Fixing self.
Playing Uke.
Waiting for Ashlea to come back.
Chris and his awkward "IM EATING CAKE" and it spat into my mouth. ACCIDENT CARB!
I want more healthy addictions.
Craft is definately up there.
Ebay + Niece + Photos + Art + Helping + Laughing + Puppies..
But really, music use to be an addiction.
Roller Derby is an addiction.
But i am scared to think where i would be, what i would do without.

Care to be without.
I need sleep.
I've been down, i've been troubled.
I've been stuck in my head.
URGH fucking i i i.
That's me done for.
You want me? Come and find me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Isn't it amazing, when capturing a thought becomes so hard that we beat ourselves up over the time spent thinking and not so much doing?
Okay; so when i talk.. sometimes i forget that i have already spent at least an hour fobbing off the idea and going over and over nit picking every situation, every outcome, every repercussion.. and it all bubbles down to ONE specific line.. and then i say that line and or question.. and get a billion blank stares, a few chuckles and a 'what the fuck is your problem?'

Everything i put into my body; i consider weight.
When i think of putting myself first; i feel ill.
Last night i was drying off my body from after a shower(nothing beats a pelting hot shower.. especially when you know what it's like to have a dripping little excuse of a piddly shower away from 'home'). So i says to myself i says.... Happy doesn't have a number. This sounds so naive and so incredibly simple. But to put it harshly. The tinier i get, the easier it is for me to trick myself into thinking i'm a better person, a happier a person, a healthier person, a winner. When i'm on rollerskates, i am merely one of the pack. Sometimes the runt. But i long to be a winner.
When in kilt; i'm a winner.. the feeling of knowing your toes are pointed in such a manner.. the "behind step behind" was nailed in third step. And you jump higher with every bounce because you ate a banana right before training.

Remember Steve from Jerry Springer? Youtube his video with the girl with anorexia nervosa. Starving herself to death. I never saw myself as being slim let alone skinny.. let alone skeletal.. (i still smile when i think of that little girl who nabbed at her mothers cardigan 'mum mum it's a walking skeleton!'.. it was a proud smile, how horrid.) But he says a remarkable quote.
"Nobody is asking you to live to eat, but you gotta eat to live".

Why would i want to starve myself; or starve my BRAIN to be skinny.. each step leading to death... to GAIN a life? I want to live, i want to skydive and have a familia, be moved by music, dance with strangers, eat tasty food, take photos in paris, drink in ireland, walk through london, i want to play with puppies and laugh with sister... okay; so this is me ranting. WHY WOULD I WANT TO STRIVE TO BE SO THIN (and when you are at this weight; even mine still the thought is merely on food. it's a condition where your brain and body are still malnourished that your bodys feelings let off constant thoughts of food to 'remind you to eat' it's amazing really but we are excellent at ignoring how we truley feel... even if our guts are SCREAMING AT US). THEREFOR TO BE A BETTER PERSON, IF IN FACT I AM NOT LIVING AT ALL MERELY EXISTING?? I DON'T WANT TO BE A PIE.(i love you pixar/disney/childrens film quotes in general) I want to have a relationship with my brother again, mum thinks this is a core reason to my problem. I think it's just because i am emotional and if it wasn't him i was upset about it'd be something else. We're humans; isn't the main point of living to FEEL emotions? To have arguements? To laugh uncontrollably? It's not to work our fingers to the bone. It's to be happy.. Right?

Speaking of which; home is not a building. Home is literally where the heart is. Not your heart, not their heart. I have felt at home whilst eating pizza with smiles. I have felt home on the back of a horse. I have felt home whilst rollerskating in Melbourne streets with people that genuinely cared about my safety Kat. So what; i'm 23 and live with my parents. I've tried living out of home, i didn't move back here because i missed them(though i did miss them, it wasn't the reason) i moved home because i all of a sudden realized i wasn't in the right financial place to be living independently and still able to maintain a healthy head.

I hope i got what i wanted out.
Basically; i will always have things i don't like about myself.
I don't like who i see in the mirror; so don't look in the mirror.

I'm playing Dog Washer this morning; then puppy trainer tonight; then rollerskating this evening.

And go.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Monsteral Cycling.

It's gotten to the point where i'm so a flutter in the brainbox that i'm up then i'm down (thanks k. perry) i'm becoming upset then shrugging it off.. Like i'm tug-o-warring. They warned me this day would come. And it's fine, look i can literally snap into realistic thinking these days. This is a comfort for me.

I'm not wanting to be 'that' girl. Nor do i want to be acknowledged by the way i stand. Or whome i stand with. As humans we tend to rely on physicality and perception before even considering the inner gizzards. It's easier for us to comprehend. Understanding that if we give a 'compliment' when sincere, it will be the right thing to do and or say. When in reality we should find 100 other reasons to tip our hats and a pat on the back.

"We're all fighting our own battles."

promised myself i'd hit the pillow before midnight.
i'm sure tomorrow is going to be beautiful

& atoms.
things that have nothing to do with meals/food tomorrow that i'd like to do to satisfy my jitterbugs.
#Unload Dishwasher
#Paint/Art up Shelf in room
#Organize for ***
#Start Packing
#Puppy School write up for B's classes
#Morning Walk(do not obsess. Do not obsess)
#Spotlight run?
#Find things to sell on ebay/market
#Package for BB Birthday
#Wait for Postman
#Grey Water Garden and Mushroom Patch
#Organize Room

if you can tell, the only time i sit down and 'chill' is when i'm on the computer.

Urgh, all the emotions without the showing.
This is like a peacock dancing without his feathers.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What is keeping me away from FB in general old television shows
animals of farthing wood
art attack
hey arnold (totally had a crush on him)
disney songs

Delivery of... Egg?

I kind of can't believe some things are happening at such speed.
Yet with such grace as well.

Today was one of them.
An amazing morning of pidgeons, gents in flatcaps and beautiful Mocconna on the balcony. Making sure that i caught a glimpse of the ocean before i left for work. And work? With a bird having a little poop on my shoulder all i can say is; a bird was on my shoulder.

I was petrified of birds less than a month ago, the thought of their beedy eyes and fluttery wings flapping about.. made me jittery with a side of hand trembles. But today, i could ask Tequila to step up, step up, step up and she pooped on my shoulder.

Roller Derby is my one place i know i don't have to think about my body, as most of it is on display(under work uniform of khaki and navy blue teeshirts.. i'm pretty sure it's the smile that eggs the puppies on, not how much gap is between the waistline and my tummy) but today felt different, lately i have been trying to just go with feelings; avoiding binges and therefor feeling satisfied when i do eat and still quite anxious when i miss a meal(not because i'm a greedy guts, but because i spent alot of my life starving myself.. that when i get even slight hunger i think SHIT I'M GOING BACKWARDS and just need to eat something.)

But S just stepped on some feelings.
For going on four years i have hated my body, it's weird lumps, it's jutty out ribs, it's slender yet flabby frame. Never once considering the damage i had laid on the inside. And damage to the point of breaking something so beautiful. So when "Look at your belly, are you pregnant..." This destroyed me. I haven't been comfortable with my body for a while. Scales being unavoidable at work due to stepping on them with puppies or.. well see, they're huge so we do it for fun. ** just sits there. That number is always there. I don't budge, but i look like i rollercoaster.

So i made the wrong choice, and then my old ways came back flaring. I broke and told somebody the miss take i made. And it won't happen again.

But no, i'm not pregnant. Because i want to be so skinny, i had to be skinny, i just had to! I have gone 4 years without a menstrual period. I now have jiggle(i can tell when i go over speed bumps in my car) slight jiggle, the padded bra helps.
But my body is a frame with tough meat on it. Maybe the extra kaygees are muscle.

And right when i'm about to fall. A text, a message, a smile... a thought. a photo.
SOMETHING happens.
Trusting in the world is the best thing i've ever done.
Going out for dinner three nights in a row and being able to spend time with my friends and familia. I want to spend more time with my brother and my nephews and niece but he doesn't look at me the same. Though i think about him every single moment of the day.

This is all over the place; as per usual.
I am working outrageously and erratically as a Puppy School Teacher whilst applying for University. I want to make a change; "just a puppy school teacher?"
I make people happy, i MAKE happy... i am happy. Sometimes. Sometimes i am miserable beyond belief. Crying for no reason, because i am in a constant struggle with my brain. Difference being, i'm not skeletal anymore, so now it's just the inner skeleton in the closet that's grinding me down. It won't beat me.

Buddha believes we have 3 levels.
Adult, Parent and Child.
3 choices.
The adult is the source.
The parents is the docile.
The child is the creator.
Or so i see's it.

I'm off from FB land for a while, need the real world to cover some wounds.

Though i didn't make it to the Bloody Marys i will be on the side lines cheering them on and though heavy hearted, smile faced. Because i have the chance to train with them.

Maybe, just maybe... this is all in good time.
Maybe i should just walk away, some people aren't cut out for Roller Derby.
Stack is slowly Laurenizing herself again.
And can't say i'm disappointed or worried about this.

Bed time.
Sleepy time.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Obladi Oblada

Do i think other people make up excuses or falsely placed legitimate reasons as to dog out of plans to avoid a higher point of anxiety? I was thinking about this on the drive to work, it's not ANYTHING to do with that other person. If anything, there is more excitement therefor my heart races a bit faster, raising my awareness and therefor anxiety which if anything entices me to text them and pull out of the plans. It's nothing to do with that other person. I love people, when face to face with them i am so happy to be there, but the leading up to? I am a sucker for What-Ifs.

Funnily enough(it's not funny at all) i'm at my most calm when around those with high stressors switch on... biggest anti die-ter i know of.. and refuse to let ANYBODY be over ridden with negative mind from being happy.

I've decided a few things.
One of which is to stop living in the past, this goes for regretting binges and feelings of unworthiness... no point really.

Another thing.
Laddie, and his beautiful face.