For the 12 days of Christmas..

Each year i like to be reminded as to why we celebrate the day of Jesus Christs birth.

Since i was quite young, i always just assumed Jesus existed.. i never questioned it because i was never given the option. In R.E it was more of a 'and then he rose from the dead! Can you believe it!!?' I thought this awesome man just lived among us but had amazing healing powers. It wasn't until i grew up a little bit that mum and dad gave us the option. They never said he was or wasn't 'real'.. Jesus as a man actually existed, but whether or not he was the messiah, i find it hard to believe that one all mighty being impregnated a woman on earth.

1. After that Simpsons episode with God, i will always imagine HIM with a white beard and sandals.

2. As much as i believe in Aliens (to which i have never SEEN but just couldn't NOT believe that out of all the planets in all the universe in all the galaxies that WE are the only living breathing organisms.) I can't grasp the fact that one out-of-this-world creator is responsible for the actions and decisions we make.

3. I remember Grandma use to read the bible before bed and read us passages, i questioned what would happen if we didn't believe and she said something about is not being let in the pearly gates. In my head they were literal huge white beautiful rustic pearl and diamond gates.. and behind them was this secret garden.

4. I watched ALOT of Tony Robinson growing up. No WONDER i thought it was a huge adventure story.. he himself is not one to say if Jesus was real, he just took the bible and described everything as is, jumping through tombs.. the galloping of horses.. splitting the red sea.. the story is amazing... as a story.

5. Pay told me that thunder was god banging his drum.... What kid doesn't find thunder fun after hearing that God use to like rock'n roll?



I'm not saying there isn't a higher power, i am a very spiritual person and believe that there is some things in this world that we will NEVER have proof or fact for, and you know what? I'm quite happy with that. I'm quite happy to believe that something bigger, something more unique that we can ever even conjure up is there, where? No place, not sitting on some throne throwing lightning bolts.



And at Easter and Christmas, there is always that child like side of me that wishes that this man did rise from the dead. Whether or not i live my life for him, whether he is the direct reason we are here on earth(because the big bang theory just has the dude from rosanne in it.) People can have that much faith in something they have never seen, felt, touched, heard or even been blessed for.. people that see their families slaughtered still believe that it's okay, because god is there, watching out for them.



Anyway;

So the real reason i wrote this is because last christmas i volunteered at the Refugee Christmas Party. I don't think Volunteering is something to make you feel nice, i genuinely think that if the help is needed than it is our right as human beings to give back. In whatever reason. I have had so much fun with volunteering that now i find it hard to NOT. I called around and asked where i could help this year and nearly EVERY place was 'full'... i didn't know whether to be pissed off or completely gob smacked. THAT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! They had TOO MANY people wanting to help?

Anyway, so they gave me a call back and i'm doing the Christmas Party again! Tomorrow day before work. I am so looking forward to it.

And after work, me and Bhoy'de Bhoy are going to get G&J and go Christmas light hunting before spinning past some Ice Cream parlour for a lickity split.



For the 12 days of Christmas i decided to give something up each day, that i take for granted.



So some of the things i have given up;

* Coca Cola

* A Bra

* My phone

* The Computer

* Coffee

* My Car

* Without Make Up

* Without Jewelry

* Meat

* Spending Money(this was most difficult.)



I don't smoke.

I don't really watch TV

I don't drink.



And i can't really escape the radio because of work.

I have 4 days to go and i am STUMPED for ideas on what else to give up...

I can't really give up showering or not talking or something, because 1. that's gross.. and 2. i'm a puppy school teacher....



So if you have any ideas; i'd love to know.

Christmas day is *A DAY WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY.

*A DAY WITHOUT REGRET



For the week following Christmas i am going to do something completely bizarre everyday.

Whether it be...

Ice cream for Breakfast

Wearing a shirt and tie

Going barefoot



outside the square...



Okay; now i must depart and finish this helluva good Banana and Mango smoothie... 2 for you Glenn Coco.. you go Glenn Coco...



If i don't speak to you before then; Merry Christmas my darlings.

Whether you believe or not, may you have a happy, safe and sparkling wine(or Maison) Christmas.. celebrate, raise a glass, dance around and be happy.



X

so some things that pop into my head throughout the day

#imagine if you were still close with brad/brooke/nadsy.
#imagine if you never met mr. swan nor travelled states for pirate lust
#imagine if you never lost all that weight(which is kind of funny, i lost more friends than i did kgs)
#imagine if i actually bothered in highschool
#imagine if i kept highland dancing
#imagine if i never started roller derby, where would i be?
#imagine if i really was pregnant, when i thought i was at 17.
#imagine if i kept working in aged care
#imagine if me and kal did hit it off, would he still be here?

anyway, i'm going to bed.
Christmas Time... i love you!

Today i go without..

Since the 12th of December i have been going 'a day without..' something.
Coca Cola
Make Up
Swearing(the hardest!)
Spending a cent(even unintentionally!)

Today i am going without Jewelery.
This can sound pretty odd, but i always wear jewelry. And apart from piercings i feel quite starkers today.

Speaking of today.
Drugs, drama and dogs, what a wonderful start to my day.
Each morning i take the Boys out to adventure the world, each day i let them choose the direction and we go wandering before breakfast. Well sometimes other people have the same idea.. I had a thought of taking them to the Primary School oval to have a chase about, but after the most AWESOME puppy play date *remind me tell you about it later.. well we didn't stop and kept climbing up that hill... towards us came a lovely smiling lady and her little Kelpie who i remember her calling 'Diamond'? I told her Spike is all talk, he barks and chucks a hissy but nothing too much. Well he WENT this dog. Now i may look like next to nothing but i never lose control of my boys. But Spike still got a good chunk and the other dog was snarling.. The lady was not impressed.. Not only this but it was on the main Queenscliffe Highway so when i grabbed spiked Muzzle to hold him back it looked like i was just abusing my dog. And i got a few beeps. I had to continue the walk with my hand tightly around Spikes collar on his neck. And when we got home i yelled at him, i was disappointed. And ashamed and embaressed.

After crying. shower. breakfast. and a huge breath in and out i went downstairs to apologise with a coffee in hand. On sight i freaked, Spike was not just cowering away from me but his eye was black and looked like he'd had a stroke.

Of course i freaked, i chucked my coffee onto the lawn strapped the boys into the car and piss bolted down the highway towards Work. P let R know and i got him in straight away. I was a blubbering mess, thinking i'd REALLY hurt him. R said she'd hit me if i didn't stop crying. I love her.

TUrns out as i had a hold of Spikes neck, basically it had strained him and caused a small blood vessle to burst. It is clear now and she checked his whole body out.
I've been noticing him wimpering of a night time and constantly CONSTANTLY licking his right wrist. And R let me know it is his Arthritis playing up.

He is senile.
Deaf.
Has arthritis .. and i yelled at him.

After the pigs ear, the femur, and the biggest hug ever.. i think he has forgiven me.
Oh and Bhoy got his one stitch from his ball taken out.

It's just gone 11.44 and i'm about to go and get a Bone Scan, i'm not sure what the process is, but the process in my pants says i'm nervous as hell.

This is the real deal guys, this is the reality of what i have done to myself.
And this is my taking responsibility for said actions.



Burgers and Chats with A afterwards, then puppies... thank goodness for puppies.

Will jotter before Christmas..

(ps. NO SLEEP TILL TOMORROW! MY 4 FAVOURITE BANDS ON STRAIGHT AFTER ONE ANOTHER!!)

Wish me luck....

life isn't meant to be hard.

Walking in from eighteen puppies worth of work makes for one sack of pooped.
Having said that, it was a nice day... sometimes i'm happy to have arms the length they are, i can squeeze around my friends when they need me double.

Thursday night kicked off with a woopachang, my very first Christmas Party!!
I hope i stay a helluva long time in that place.. i never wanted to work retail again, but i don't even feel like i'm ever working. Sure sometimes i'm exhausted, my boss has made me cry twice, but the good charms outweigh the bad one hundred times over..

Tom: here lauren
Lauren: aw Tom!
Tom: *drops dead fish in my hand*
Lauren: *throws fish in the air and starts doing that 'oh my god tom just dropped a dead fish in my hand' dance* I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
Tom: lol.

Penny, she stuck by my side.. they talked with me, they reassured me, they even held my hand when i didn't think i needed it. And that support came from them seeing me..Lauren.

Moments like this, happen throughout my day.. everyday.
M, oh my goodness M. This little bundle of giggles and sweetheart wrapped up into a bundle of adorable. She never ceases to bring a smile to my chops and a little spruce up in my step.

And then we have the puppies, i have my dream job. And for once, i feel like i am doing something i am good at.
For a moment there i lost it, very robotical.
Lately that's how it feels. Like it's all a script.
Hi, How are you?
Even if the answer is of the negative approach, it's set up. Not real.
And i am excellent at unintentionally lying. Not lying, so much as just not being real.

And i liked myself, when i was real.
In the moment, feeling like what's happening at that time is the only thing worth worrying and or enjoying.

Life is for living.
I have taken the first step into the rest of my life, and because of these rambles and scrambles i am starting to mend, fix and recover broken bridges and ever so fragile wings.

Who said life was meant to be easy?
I was worried this would be a haze, that it would cover me. But if i am not quite sure who me is yet, then maybe this is my back burner. Whatever helps to push on.

Roller Derby break up tomorrow, i'm looking forward to changing.
Things ought to be different.
And i feel quite positive that things will fall into place, letting go...

laugh everyday
take a moment to smell the roses

Wishes Izzy a happy 6 months alive in this beautiful world.

This won't be in anyway near as in depth as usual, i took a step back and rubbed my eyes. Rolling out of bed the day after getting SLEIGHED by the Santas Hell-pers i felt memorized and far too brittle to write.

I'm putting the final touches to my Christmas hoard, this is what i love most about Christmas. The Pre-Gift-Giving-Jitters. The "WILL SHE LIKE IT, I HOPE SHE LIKES IT"

I have had cuddles with my pretty niece
I have written a response to a letter
I have cried into my pillow
I have played tug-o-war with a Santas head.. and lost
I have eaten Sushi with my favourite
I have lost $5 on a Scratchie
I have made a difficult decision
I have broken a barrier
I have taken things slowly
I have finished Philosophers Stone..
I have started Animals of Farthing Wood
I have run away to gardens to think..
I have heard from Jeannie
I have listened to Mario Lanza


Alot can happen in two days, and all these little things.. mean that if anything was to ever happen to me. If i was to walk outside and get hit by a bus, i tried to make the most of my life. With whatever was given to me, i lived the best way i knew possible. I had backslides, i made mistakes, i tried to do the whole 'meal plan' thing, but it was too restrictive, i like to eat when i'm hungry, sleep when i'm tired..
i have good days
i have bad days

but i am always trying

and i love you, to the point of madness.

it;'s just a scratch..

So although i may not be doing as well lately.. i am at least aware that i am not doing well. I am not questioning as to why i am over exercising.. at first, it felt amazing.. to be out and about before others were out of bed, fixing breakfast.. i was strolling streets, avoiding work goers down the highway and basically burning as much energy, raising my heartrate as much as possible. I knew what i was doing.
But it FELT good. Then it became obsessive.

I withdrew myself from Roller Derby, and i will be taking a wee break over the Summer Break to find that little flame of addiction again. I was feeling obligated to go, having to leave Bhoy behind and in one case "YOU GET ON THE FUCKING INSIDE LINE NOW".. it's just a game.. And yeah, we all take it very seriously.. for goodness sake we ALL do... But there are nicer ways of playing. And watch your mouth.

I respect that league and like B mentioned, i am afraid that withdrawing myself means losing alot of friends, if you're not a wall-you're nothing.. well if you're not on skates what the hell are you? A shram.

I don't know what shram is, it just felt right.

2 Gallons of water later..

I'm hoping this break brings much needed rest, both body and mind.
A year ago, all i wanted was a 9-5 job, a sheep for a while, a dumb down.
Can you imagine me living like that? I'm already OCD... that would just help the cause, or it could improve. giving me some guidence in the workforce world.
So today, considering my big lump of magic has now had his testicles gone, cut, shazamm i was thinking of taking him out for a playdate.. but will have to see if Floyd or Egg would like to come.. maybe tomorrow..

actually i kinda feel like going to the mill this afternoon, i have to pick up some things tomorrow so might save the petrol and just chill at home.

One main thing i know i have to now concentrate on, is getting out of my head.
When i walk, i have to FORCE myself to concentrate on the coloured roses in the garden, the shape of the roofs, where the snails are by moonlight, because i get locked in my head and the time goes by and it's an ongoing process.
Basically i'm sliding, but with one slide back comes 3 jumps forward, i'm aware and quite positive (today) that i will make it out the other end.
And stop judging myself, for things i do, for actions and decisions i make.
I will stop punishing myself, or at least try to. I will forgive myself.

And treat myself with the love and compassion that i wish i had the balls to.

See you in the real world.
Meow.




dear aron, please come out of your bedroom and into the sunshine, life is fun.

(an actual thought from my walk the other morning; "what the fuck am i trying to stay alive for, obviously i want to live, but what is this? i'm not living! i'm plodding along trying to maintain slash lose body weight slash fat!!! for what? is this a life? what am i doing it for? am i happy? FUCK NO, then why am i continueing this?") See, complete lightning bolts of rational thoughts, of reality... then i start making sure i have my daily routine set up...

what a wanker.

Can't Stop.

Anything.
So after 3 years of having this lying grey matter. It has come to breaking point.
I have made an appointment with my old O' to see if i can get some more CBT. I need something. I am on my last legs. I have just eaten nearly a tub of ice cream.
This is coming from the girl that won't have toast because she is having a sandwich for lunch. I am that fucked up right now.

*cue bomb boom crash noises*

Thanks to my little butterfly i am also sleeping with my head where my foots should be.
Because the christmas tree is up and i don't want to miss out on another Christmas because the whole time i'm worried or preoccupied with food. I don't CARE about the food, it's just a constant front of lobe always there fucking fuck.

I want babies.
I want to be so in love, that's all i think about.
I want to give and give and give.
I want to stay up all night talking,
but instead i go to bed uncomfortably binged full, exhausted, knowing i will be up at 6am running.. punishing myself for eating too much because i was greedy and wasn't even hungry just couldn't help it.

Why won't it leave me alone.
Why is it back now?

Happy Thanks Giving;

It's not a holiday we as Australians, nor the English/Scot in me would celebrate. But what a beautiful day to be recognizable of the things we as humans are thankful for;

What are you thankful for?
I am slowly feeling my way through one of the most down times i've had since i was nothing but a toothpick with fuzz and now i am only settling in even more so.. So what am i thankful for?

I'm thankful for the sunshine, when it shows his glow.. warmth, saturated grace.
I'm thankful for the dedication and tender care that goes into the rose gardens around Highland Way... i still try to stop and smell the roses.
I'm thankful for my mother, for never knowing what to say, and always getting frustrated, but always the first to hug me when i need it. I break her back everytime.
I'm thankful for my sister, who pretends not to care, but is always there to encourage me to smile. And is still the same little girl at heart, no matter how shiny her car and badge is.
I'm thankful for the way Bhoy and Duke love me, It is an unconditional 'feed me, and i'll die for you' kind of love. The kind that can give and give and give with no end.
I'm thankful for my dad, who can fix just about everything, and 90% of the time says the wrong thing... but on the off chance... what he does say always is the exact thing i need to hear, at the exact time.
I'm thankful for the people i work with; who only having known for such a short period of time have become like familia to me.. showing more support than i could ever have asked for... and being patient with me when my anxiety comes out in rhythms of toxic conversation... i'm actually a quiet achiever, i am more Lauren when i don't talk. Stack attacks with word vomit. Lauren would rather sonnets and mixed poetry with a hint of sarcasm.

I'm thankful for the illness i have somehow survived. SurvivING? And the constant battle it give me.. with the drive to push on. And the world for giving me little bits of 58 and chocolate which reminds me i haven't opened my advent calender today!!

However i punish myself, the lack of sleep to organized exercise and food. The constant need for perfection.... only makes me so content for those few hours when i DO see reality at it's brightest.

I'll beat your heart out, i promise you that much.
I will never give in to you.

I holla.

Happy 1st day of Advent Calender sweethearts!!

That little window of hope popped open this morning with absolute glory.
I've had a temper, a tantrum and basically been on the brink of losing all my shit lately. Whether it be added stress from decision making. Cluttered mind from missing A. Or just a hormonal piece of shit really.

I'm not eating healthy, sometimes not at all (out goes my 90-20%) and trying to be 'normal' means not eating when i'm not hungry... right?

Even after exercising?
Always waiting to be told what to do. Inside i am merely 7 years old looking for somebody to hold my hand. SO i don't have to go it alone.
Having said that, get close to me and i'll bite.
Very Hard.

I recieved my Stat results - i ripped it up
I recieved a letter saying i was unsuccessful with a Job Interview somewhere that i desperately wanted to work - i ripped it up
I recieved another letter saying i was unsuccessful in the Primary Teaching course i enrolled for (sure, it's only first round... but really... what the feck is the world telling me?)

And i just recieved a telephone call from the Gordon saying i have an interview for Animal Studied Cert II next year. This and work would be absolutely amazing for now.

I can work and study, and even better save some Mooney for the next few years of my studying, working, traveling life.
I emailed the only Highland Dancing teacher in Geelong that (NOT Union dancer!! SCOTTISH OFFICIAL BOARD!!) is close and.. i really want to get back to my roots.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM9pGKmGnro&feature=related


Bloody Marys Vs. Dead Ringer Rosies
I won't lie, i had a sneak peak at some photos on Facebook... I barely remember the day. I remember eating hot chips and 'deserving a coke' and then getting KFC on the drive home...........I just don't feel it anymore. The passion and charisma for Roller Derby like i use to. If the aim in life is to be happy, and do things to make you happy, and work to get by, so that you are happy... theni think this two month break from Roller Derby is what i need... to do some flitting about this big wide world without the hustle and bustle of attendance, of obligation i have for a sport i loved oh so.

I'll keep up my fitness obsession;
swimming
yoga
dancing
running
walking every day

i can't not, i use to be fat. And i hated myself.
i am not fat, i am not as skinny as i use to be (though still technically quite underweight and battling an eating disorder) but at the end of the day i just want to be happy.

if healthy and happy go hand in hand... then i'll do whatever i can.
i had the most amazing dream last night.
A collaboration of 58, standing in the backyard while a man that looked like that weird plastic faced man from the kids HEALTH freak show stood at the door of a helicopter throwing out free basketballs filled with sweeties.


alright i'm going to meet aron for burgers
and i'm shitting myself.
about everything

Bhoy loses his bits tomorrow. :(
really worried about him, i don't want him to be in pain with his tail..not now not ever, do i deminish this by getting it fixed now? Or do i let it proceed until it becomes too painful for him and puts him through more trauma as an adult dog?

xxx

Big'n Blood'n; prepare for the lashings.

First to the points;

#Bhoy spent his first night outside last night, after giving him some left over BBQ chicken breast meat... his adorable farts were so putrid at one stage i regurgitated the Vienetta myself, mother and sister had earlier demolished amongst the 3(did it shrink since being in a Pizza Hut Meal Deal all those years ago?)

He didn't seem to mind, when i went down to check on him at about 6.30 he was fast asleep, dreaming of rabbits(or whatever he's always chasing in his dreams.. ) on Spikes bed and the big black bear was coiled up on the blanket i put out for Bhoy! It looked as though Spike had given Bhoy his bed for the night... be still my beating heart!!

So the night was really nice, i don't know what has changed.. apart from not being so highly strung my emotional catastrophe has gone down by at least 4. Something i forget to remember is that i am infact a woman, i was born with ovaries and breasticals(to my own surprise.. all that time i spent strapping down and double sports bra'ing feels like such a waste!) and like every other female in this world i go through hormonal patches. I also have pimple break outs(no matter how much dad tells me 'you're STILL getting them, you're too old for them!'.. thanks dad).. And i still sleep with a lavender heat pack every night curled into a ball as it rests burny burny on my abdoman, this is a problem and i will see L about it sooner rather than later. I have always had lady troubles.

I was put on the pill when i was 16 to help stop my cramps, which were so bad at one point i remember writhing in pain on the couch downstairs not even caring that we had family friends over, i was in agony.. i recall telling mum i wanted to 'cut it right out of me' .. the cramps subsided and i barely got my period. I would never do sports classes in fear of 'spills' and highland dancing nights were spent toilet breaking 5 or 6 times just in case. I was embaressed to use tampons too.. never used one in my life actually. Sorry that's a bit too much.

At 17 after being in what was my first love and first relationship we did what normal 17 year olds do. I went and got Implanon inserted into my right bicep.. right under McManus. This caused an onset of many problems. Not recieving my rose petals for a good 2 years. Droplets, cramps, but nothing worth saving for the Sweeney Todd.

When i got it removed the doctor asked how my mood had been, after adding 10KG+ to my already puppy fatted body i basically deflated.
Just as i started to get back into some kind of regime(i think i had 3 sets of monthly woahs before.. well before all this)

Last time i had my period, i was sitting in the bathroom at a Sydney Hostel while the man i was umming and ahhing about leaving states for played tin whistle down the hall... she was gone, i had been taking Laxatives, walking, dancing, running, not eating.. and she was gone. I was ecstatic, because i could be with him. All that went up the shitter(not literally, obviously... waster not, am i) And it has been at least 2 and a half years since i have had any slight bit of any movement down there.

I didn't get, my god, i didn't have to worry about something.
Highly strung, obsessive compulsive, undesired, undesireable, switcher, common nutpot didn't have to worry about having a specific time of the month.

But everytime this 'mind-cycle' finshes... i feel relieved.. Like i've just had an invisible patch of lady-time. Of incredible mood swings which included talk of Suicide, no motivation, and binge eating episodes(in which i over exercise, i would never.. ever turn down the other road.. shan't).

I have researched ways of getting her back.
Because having her back means recovery, it means i get the chance the CHANCE to be a mother. A real mother. I wouldn't want anything else.
When i think of what i've put my mother through? My family? How the hell do they even stand me sitting in a room with them?

I know eating more omega 3's, more avocado, more natural fats are meant('meant') to help bring it back, but there is no sure way of knowing.
Doc O'K says "your period will come back when your body reaches a more natural weight, not a happy weight, a natural weight).
Doc Lee says "crock of shit, it'll come back when it does.."

I'm not praying for it, but i sure do feel ready.
And then maybe i will have an excuse for being a bitch sometimes.


Good avenue;
I play my first ever game as a Bloody Mary tomorrow (i had a wee giggle at that myself.) Vs. the Dead Ringer Rosies at the Melbourne Showgrounds..

A few things coming up.

*Bloody Marys @ the VRDL Grand Final
*Work & Work & Work
*Reading Harry Potter (AND ACTUALLY GIVING MYSELF TME TO SIT DOWN AND READ IT!! OH AND EAT WITHOUT FORCING MYSELF TO EXERCISE!... okay that part i'm still getting use to)
*Volunteering at Christmas including the Refugee Christmas Camp and the Salvation Army Kitchen
*Bhoy 3rd Vacc & Castration
*More Christmas Shopping(bought my boss a bit of hers last night.. the best!)
*Mill Market Trawling
*Starting a summer netball team
*Isis' Board game night
*Christmas Break up at work!
*Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers Bout on the 5th of December!


Tra la la

Halfway. Halfblood. Halfdone.

Just in from the ladies night with Mum & Tessa.
We hitched up our skirts and headed down to Waurn Ponds to see Part I of Deathly Hallows.

I don't really have enough brain space to focus on.. well anything lately.
I use to read, write, watch, listen for hours.. i was happy then, or thought i was. No, i was happy. Content at least.

People wanted to read what i thought.
Wanted to be around me.

I tried on a Size 12 dress today, it fell off of me.
We bought Grip Ball.

I think i am addicted to the fuzziness of Fizzy Pop. Coca Cola.
I don't know if this is an addiction or just because somebody else did it.
Have i honestly become that numb to myself?
Who the fuck am i?

I see somebody with Popcorn and think "if they can, i can, i want popcorn"
Sometimes i eat chocolate because if they can, then i should be allowed.
Does this sound normal?
I went over a year without even the scent of chocolate being allowed into my nasal capacity incase i inhaled bad calories.

So after the Harry Potter slash Fat Fest all i think about is how early i'm going to have to get up to go for a run slash walk.
Oh god, these feelings are far too real and far too familiar... Right, do i go and talk to somebody again? Though i don't have a reason?
Do i just let myself indulge and swallow my pride?
Suck it up, princess?

What i wouldn't give to be normal.

from 28/01/2010

I will ref a Bout
I will go to Sydney
I will get a tattoo
I will welcome a new Bern
I will venture outwards
I will join two groups
I will dye my hair
I will do more volunteer work
I will find Part Time/Full Time work doing something i ENJOY
I will get bar work
I will save some paper and shrapnel
I will complete two short courses
I will apply for 2011 University
I will go to the Dinosaur Museum
I will fall in love again and again and again
I will walk the Otway fly
I will go camping
I will celebrate my best friends 21st
I will get ready for the big migration outta mama hens
I will make time to be bored
I will read five books that i've always wanted to
I will go to the movies alone
I will learn how to make REAL coffee
I will find duke a best friend
I will volunteer at the School
I will get my motorbike licence
I will get my fishing licence
I will learn to play piano/pianee!
I will learn my nephews favourite colours/songs/teddys?
I will get a massage table and DO what i am qualified for!
I will start my own business
I will be happy
I will wake up early
I will meet strangers
I will do my VSDMA Teaching

things to make me go sigh

you're on your own, my little nightmare.
you can not stay here..
it's far too bright for you
if they attack you, just lay there
play dead, dear.. it's your only way of pulling through

ni

Pid Dee Diddly Squat Me.

I haven't been this down..out of it..emotional..sad... depressed, in a long time.
I don't know what the reason for it, things seem to be sorting themselves out alright..i just can't get out of this shadow.

Like an eclipse that everyone is kind of prepared for.
A backwards downfall, i'm falling down hard.

I want my sister there for support; just greeting me good morning would be a start.
Am i expecting too much from her? from myself?

Ever since M sat me down in that room that afternoon shit has just gone rotten.
Basically telling me everything i thought i was okay at.. is wrong.. i'm lazy, distracted, and not worthy of the $ he pays me for casual hours.

I feel ripped off.
Broken hearted.
I feel like i'm never going to be happy again.

Facebook would be a brain numb-er but i don't wanna go back to that.
I'd rather sit on the front steps with a cup of tea and be miserable.

I can see this going on till the day i sink into that cold damp earth.
Derby? lost every ounce of passion, i go to training.. i'd rather be home.
Bhoy? My god he's precious but ocd is bitching me at the moment and i'm missing crucial days and hours spent without him... whence blogging.

seeya.

For evil to flourish, all that is needed is for good people to do nothing.

For the first time in a few weeks; i gave myself the morning off from running.
To switch on the television and watch the recorded season final of PTTR, my shameless love for the fictional familia is overwhelming at best.

I empathize with Ben.
I awe at Ruby.

I love the whole show.
I cook myself a toasted spice fruit muffin with butter and enjoy a huge cup of Moconna.
All in peace and tranquility. Because i don't give myself enough.

To put it simply; if i'm not doing something. Then i'm doing nothing.
To relax means i must have done something in order to deserve the relaxed state.
Bhoy whimpers, because he has cracked the sads after me yelling at him for eating an entire ashtray, and it's ingrediants.

I'm biting the bullet and going to meet up with A-ron today.
I am not sure how this is going to go, or even if it is the sure thing to do. But i'm doing it, because i do miss him. And something has to change.

Everything has turned to brown and i spend most evenings alone, pitying myself for not having the balls to change. Writing lists and lists of things i want to achieve, places i want to go.. and never actually taking the steps to do so.

What has happened to me lately?
What has changed that has driven me back into this state of complete sadsack?

Whatever it is, kindly piss off.
It's Christmas Time, and i will NOT let you steal my sunshine.

27th November - Bloody Marys VS. Dead Ringer Rosies @ Melbourne Showgrounds.
5th December - GRDL XMAS BOUT - Grinchettes VS. Santas Little Hellpers
17th December - NO SLEEP TILL MELBOURNE

I don't want to be so wound up working that i forget to ENJOY things..
I use to ENJOY puppies and people, and i have driven myself into the ground completely, perfectly, exactly what i'd set out to do.. beat perfection.

There is no perfection in shrinking.

Online magic 8 ball told me to do it

it also told me i was going to die.

in those exact words.

then it's sources said yes.

guilt, shame, shame, shame, truth or die... apparent-lie.

something, give me something.

I’ve always been a really philosophical person. Growing up, my friends would be running around the playground pretending to live in a castle or be captured prisoners and I would just sort of sit back and observe and think. I’m not sure what exactly I was thinking about- but I would just think. I would see birds fly by and think about how incredible life is, and the wind would blow and leaves would change and I would just observe and think, and be thankful. I would create hypothesis for little questions in life, and I have always assessed people for who I thought they were, not who they portrayed themselves as.

I lost this during my disease. I became extremely deep but only in the sense of the disorder. I would create ideas or theories about anything besides recovery or my disorder itself, and as I began to recover I lost this and I even acknowledged my concern about this. At the time I thought I was losing this part of myself, but in retrospect I was just transforming it back to what it used to be.

I guess it scares me a little, because it’s what makes me different from everyone else and it makes me think about my feelings and beliefs. It allows me to look deeper into my self and it’s not something I can really prepare for, I just need to accept it and embrace it. I need allow myself to be me.

the more i am, the more i feel.

The more i like.

Skate date with Jess, i love her. Sincerely.
Manda moving home
Mario Wii with familia
Harry Potter nights with Mum & Tessa
$$ KA CHING $ $
Prostate Walks
5KM runs, accomplished
Dozing Bulldog cuddles
Losing classes
"Not Productive"
"Unorganized"
Peanut Butter
HOLDING TOO TIGHT - DOWN TO 58.
Stalk Stalk Stalk
Ashlea Hobbs
CHRISTMAS PRESENT DONE! YAYAYAY
http://www.nosleeptil.com.au/

As i see the weight coming off, after indulging and the guilt that follows i realize two weeks later that all the stress and the 'lack of pleasure' from devouring ice cream/chocolate/fucking risotto... NOTHING changed... i sure as hell didn't.

Feck.

Alright, i have work and puppy time.
Dolls VS. Marys tonight

Nothing by half, just a little bit.

As i sit here overlooking the corio (i would be able to see the You Yangs but alas father grey has misted over) bay and sipping on a Hawt Moccona, a billion thoughts run through my head.

Speaking of running, every morning. I admit, i don't like the thought of running.. i've never been good at it. In school, i swear i had my period for 6 years straight. Or so Ms S and Mr R would have thought. I broke my arm playing "Octopus" in my orientation at Yr 7 PE.... But after i'm out there.. after i "just get to the corner.. just past that red car... " it HITS.. and all of a sudden i'm breathing better, my chestical doesn't hurt(apart from the superman i took at training the other day).. my gut is solid, my legs are strong.. Even growing out of my cheeky little shorts.

My dad has diabetes.
I knew it.

I don't know why.
We are more similar than he thinks, but i saw the medication and it was a flash. "A mild form"...

Dad... You also told me you had a "Mild Form" of prostate cancer.
he grows the most amazing mo, never donating... merely because he donated when they ripped out the little suckers from his blood stream.. all rare now. He has rogue cells floating about which is kind of scary but my point is.. this is real.

I have the most beautiful Bhoy in the entire world. One that snores so loud he wakes me up in shock horror... one that tilts his head when i tell him i have to go to Derby now.... One that gives me gentle bulldog kisses.

He is wonderful. I never thought i could love something this much again. Duke is getting use to him and i hope he gives him a wollop of Bhoy gets too close. In my ideal world i'll find them snuggling on the couch when i get home from work.

Work = suffice.
I have to learn more.
Products.
Our range of stock.
Puppies.
Training.
Obedience.

My tail is on fire from those ketchuping.
I may have a bit of a crush going on, but it's been that long i'll ignore it for another 4 years.

I've had some strange dreams lately.
I'll need to list.

Next'll be a list.
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time.. no really, it is.

Fans in colour; thinking fuschia.

Bagpipes are hootin' and a hollarin' from the loungeroom.
The kitchen smells of spray & wipe and a little bit of Lavender..
Duke is still hiding in the wardrobe.
Bhoy is washed, flea'd, wormed and outside with Black Bear
I'm two coffees into the morning, vegemite toasted and not so much hating myself

I use to think i was one of the most confident people i knew, i use to believe in myself, trust myself.. therefor trust my actions and decisions.
I skated well yesterday, i ploughed harder, i bet 9 to the line. Anybody that depicts that little metaphor will understand how happy i was.

After cracking the sads and moping outside last night with fish and chips alone on the grass .. 9 mosqweeto bites later... i apologised to Folks for being an arsehole. To my dog for crying instead of playing...

Sorry guys, the sun just came out.
PLAYTIME.

I'm going shopping.
I'm a girl at heart, fuck it.
x

Where; homeland
Time; 10.43PM
Feeling; Stuffed, Pooped, Exhausted, Disappointed, Lethargic
Matter; A whole wheel of blue vein cheese & Crackers (And sundried tomatos)
Occasion; T's Babyshower
Weather; Balmy
Alcohol; Strongbow Clear
Ate; Cold Sausage Rolls, Dirty Prawn Wontons, Packet o' Crackers, Cheese Platter, homemade Peanut butter rice bubble ball and some icing from a cupcake.
Feeling now; shattered
Why?; walked home and ate half a packet of LARGE Cheese and Onion Potato Crisps.
Aftermath; Hour run & hooping most the night.
To burn or not to burn, that is the question.

[# I eat when I am not hungry.
# I eat until I feel extremely uncomfortable, not just full.
# I eat a lot—and often.
# I snack and nibble all day long.
# I feel out of control and can't stop eating.
# I eat very fast.
# I prefer to eat alone.
# I keep my eating habits a secret from family and friends.
# I always seem to be dieting—and breaking my diet.
# My weight goes up and down by more than a few pounds.
# I feel disgusted, depressed, and guilty after I eat a lot]

Do you guys get sick of reading about it?
I had a subway salad for lunch because i didn't know what i was having for dinner; therefor 'allowing' myself the added bonus of chocolate & carbs tonight.
I'm more afraid of carbohydrates(the little fellas that stop my brain box from fudging up on me than i am of fats ie; cheese/nuts.)
I'm psycho aren't i?

Bhoy licks feet.
Things i have noticed;
I ENJOY running, once i'm out.. but sometimes i have to really force myself to get out of bed.
I don't step on drains/grates. I jump/leap them everytime..
I walk a different route every morning.
I simply MUST wash my face and brush my chompers as soon as i wake up and right before bed..Just feels better.
Dry Shampoo is my best friend. Not matter-o-factly but .. well it's awesome.
I'm going for a walk around the block to feel me better.

Aiight.

THE WRONG KIND OF TOXIC...

Tell your friends, tell your neighbours..

WARNING:
http://www.britannica.com/blogs/2010/7/cocoa-hulls-toxic-tuesdays-a-weekly-guide-to-poison-gardens

French & Saunders.

To make a concious effort to make this blog not only about battles but show that the inner self is quite a calm, natural, rash speaking, positive, savvy, happy folkwoman.

Things i love;
Circus themes, always have.. ran away to join the Anglesea Circus when i was first dealing with some personal issues. Fell in love with the boa's, the folk, the hoops, the sparkles, the freedom.. not so much the hour drive when i was out of work.. Sdraulig gave me much insight to the beauty that the world beholds, no matter how much we choose the other path.

Animals, in general.. When i was little my favourite book in the world was a giant Animals of the World book.. as in giant, it was bigger than me.. made out of hard cardboard. A little something(the exact same, as this) Apparently i would take it with me everywhere i go, i recently found a copy of it in Kerleys Auction house but the memory alone made me smile.. I didn't need the proof.

I loved reading!!
Sign of the Seahorse
Magic Faraway Tree
Wuthering Heights
Black Beauty

I loved movies;
Comedies, Romances, Old Horror, Documentaries, Stand Ups, Animations, Telemovies..
I have hundreds of DVDS and VHS just sitting in boxes .. a Sweeney Todd still unopened that i bought for $35.99 when it first came out on sale.. how much money i spent on these movies.. and these days i can not for the life of me even attempt to sit down 'relax' and watch a movie.. This is something i would love to do again.. be in control of my head or not have control that i am able to just SWITCH OFF..

This is something i'm looking forward to with University.. a chance to give it my all while i'm there and ENJOY my time off. This week i have only worked a 3 hour shift last night, i graduate another Class tonight and then i work the next two days.. It is rediculous.. going from 37 hours to 17. I can't live like that. I just went to go into town to by make up and then realized i really can't be bothered spending the money NOR do i really want to leave Bhoy to buy materialistic crud when i can and probably will just do a Kmart run tonight/tomorrow. So why bother wasting the petrol now? Enjoy my time at home! Kick your feet up (I wake up at 6.58am every morning to go for a walk/run with Spike and i come home shower, coffee, breakfast, then kind of just.. wait around for stuff to happen.. or tidy up my to do list..)

Did i mention that i got home to my two lovebirds hiding behind my Oriental Fans last night? Oh that was a delight. I dreamt of dead feathers last night.
They're alive. Just spooked. I think i have to change their names to French and Saunders. or Lano and Woodley? or Hale and Pace?

Well my tummy is starting to growl, but the elasticity on this skirt WOW-HAY-HOLD-UP.

I'm fine.

Things i love? I love my family. No matter how mental they drive me, how much we clash, how self important they can be.. i love them whole. Even the ones that are rude and ignore me. Yep, you're still in the heartbox too. Bad luck, you got me for life.

I love my friends, each one of them have in some way or another changed my life.
From things they've said, to adventures we've had. I will try even harder to be there for them as they are and always have been there for me. I miss Kathryn like there is no tomorrow. She would ALWAYS make me laugh. So strange how somebody can be your whole world one minute and a mere dot on your radar the next.

I love roller derby, as much as i have to drag myself there sometimes. At first, it was this whole new world. Then it was an excuse to burn C's. At the moment it feels like this wicked obligation... but that's because i'm trying so hard to hold control over everything else that sometimes sitting at home quiet, without peoples comments is alot nicer.
Deep down, i love it. More than anything. I tried so hard to give it my all, to make it my world. It was one of the main reasons i somehow managed to deal with minor (yep..back down to the lower mark these days) weight gain.. it gave me something to use my body for, a tool as well as a temple.. i guess. I got to meet the most wonderful women, men alike. Beautiful souls that i wouldn't have had the chance to meet.. they'll come, they'll go.. but deep down i'll love them to bits and bruises till i slither on into this deep dark earth.

I need food.
L

Run as slow as you want to, but just get out there and run.

And i will try, to fix you.
Vivid moments last night.
It's ironic that i drink to make my insides stop hurting?
And it's a love that gives me heartburn, it's a song that makes my stomach churn..

1. For every glass of coffee/fizzy pop ; drink a glass of water.
2. Get out more, go for a walk, listen to the birds, breath slowly & deeply.
3. Don't restrict through the day; to indulge at night. You know this doesn't work.
4. Live a LOT!
Maybe these tiny changes can stop my fat talk.
Because when i eat something i'm so busy worrying about how it is being layed on as fat that i forget to enjoy. So if someone said 'then don't do eat it' my inner monologue, that is possesed by something trying to creep back in and kill me is saying "SCORE! TOLD YA FATTY!"
So i eat chocolate, feel bad, but feel like i am winning...
Instead of enjoying.......

Go figure.
Do you eat because you're hungry?
It's been 3 years now, i've lost most sense of hunger/pleasure in EVERY sense of the word.. and basically normality with food.
I'd much rather eat with friends than alone.
Except breakfast... i'm a sucker for breakfast

In one day of being away from the drowning land of FB i feel like i am amongst this new breed of life. Dad actually said to me... "I am proud, it's not your thing anyway..." PROUD... because i dumped a social networking site.

We spent the day in the sunshine playing with snails and watching Bhoy run into garden gnomes head on.

We baked Banana Bread... one with Craisins and Almonds.. one with Walnuts...
I had a slivvering after training...

I realized i am missing VRDL bout due to my beautiful friends baby shower. And i don't feel an ounce of sadness. Because for so long i used exercise of any form; including roller derby to avoid situations that were not 100% under my control. People say i am nice; i feel like i am so mean. Last night i munched on some Reeses Peanut Butter drops on the drive home from training, though it wasn't for long and i felt like the silliest bambi, tripping pacelines.. couldn't squat properly. For the first time ever i won SSS but Dolly wasn't giving it her all. Pitiful.

I breathed ever so slowly and rembarked on my inner sanctuary. The more i breath, the less i think. And the less i think the more i can take time to just notice things around me. I'm not ever not doing something. Or 10 things at once. This morning i asked a friend what kind of Banana Bread she prefered, whilst i was unloading the dishwasher, packing the laundry basket, getting dressed, boiling googy eggs, feeding Bub'n Squeek and cleaning the benchtop. I can't manage to do one thing at a time. Anxious energy.

And it is just anxiety. You have it, whoever reads this.
My deal is; you could tell how out of control i was from the way i looked.
I went through some old photos.





Just a ... i'm not far away from this in NUMBERS but in LIFE... another world.
I want warmer weather; for the smell, and the adventures.

O' i totally feel a list coming on.
Skydiving-
Torquay-
Isis Dates-
More Familia BBQ's
Ice Cream Queenscliffe
More work? Please?
Dawg walking.

See you out there.

xx

Been Mean, Ning too.

I meant to post care-packages that i have hoarded/gathered/made from the past 12 months to the following, and am still yet to lick the back of the stamp..Why?
Bamalam.
Tracy.
Jude.
Sid.

I meant to get up at 6.58 every morning so i am out slamming the footpath by 7.15

I meant to make attendance, roller derby the priority more than my obligation lately.

I meant to catch up with so many, SO many.. no wonder i wasn't invited to my high school pals wedding.

I meant to call Megan to see how her Operation(not even knowing she had said op. due to shitty friend i am) went.

I meant to give up coca cola for a day.

I meant to give up obsessive thoughts.

I meant to be kinder to myself. Please?

I meant to save money.

I meant to see my old best friend Aron, what the fucks a Jailskate?

I meant to clean my room (whilst singing, Let's Get Organized.. a song my mum wrote about the important of organization skills....to the tune of Let's Get Physical...)

I meant to pay back Paul and Dad.

I meant to get my bicep finally tattooed.

I meant to study for the STAT exam, what on earth am i going to do if i DON'T get into uni?

I meant to be the friend people can depend on, not just the wimpy sick kid.

I meant to stay off facebook, FACEBOOK has become a means of the world. If you're not on facebook; it's almost as if you are living in this cyber world where nothing is said or done. This silent movie. I'm done with you; visitation rights a minority.

I meant to fall in love.
I wish somebody knew the thoughts, the patterns that go on inside my skull. Why i feel like falling in love is the be-all and end-all of life. Like i have to meet his/their expectations to be considered a better person? I'll question mark the points i'm attempting to make clearer with myself.

I meant to not make food an issue, but rather a pleasure.

Speaking of pleasure.

God i hope my familia don't find this.

I am so utterly, utterly in love with my Bhoy. He is perfect.
I don't know how, or why.. but we have to take the bull by the balls, and we have to do it now. Before the first word out of our babies lips is the status update of a lifetimes regret.

I'm back, Lauren, Stack, Danger. Whatever.
x

Him and It.

Didn't sleep due to Bulldog snoring into my ear? I'm not going to complain.
Happy heart.
Studying hearter for my STAT test this coming Saturday, which includes 3 hours of Multiple Choice and 2 Written English exams.
Heading off to work to buy treaties for Bjoy.

I'm not sure what his name is yet, but he is perfect. I love him.

Mum and Dad and Tessa love him; this is important to me.
I loved getting home from work and being greeted by his little face.

He will bring me slippers in the morning.
Because i ask.
And we will adventure together like no tomorrow.
But for now; study.
xx

Be still, my beating heart!

I go to sleep one happy kat.

He is mine, mine mine.
Must it be?
It must be.

Love, love love.

Futures still unwritten; thank you 58.
x

Mess with the best; die like the rest.

That was a weekend.
Plane flew into Avalon at 5.10PM, or 4.15PM according to my phone. I have no idea what the 'real time' is..All i know is that was an amazing weekend with some of the most beautiful, most surreal, most incredible people i am lucky enough to call friends, sisters, familia, acquaintances, co-workers? They mean the world to me; my sister in law is married to my brother. This doesn't make her any less a sister to me than my blood sister. I love them just as much. I understand exactly how people decipher the derby family/cult aspect of it; but they're their for me. They send me 3AM texts if they think i've been too quiet. That proves loyalty, sisterhood, companionship.

I guess i can dotpoint majority. If followers of Derby read on;
1. the game had to have been flawed. No bias shown
*Scores were not shown
*Penalties were not called
*Jam Refs missed about 10 Call-Offs...

It was like a theatrical performance; all lights and sparkles(lack of lighting; actually). Look, it's great. Wonderful even that such a wonderful show was put together and GRDL were invited up for it. But one of my best friends got smacked in the Jaw and is awaiting results due to messy DANGEROUS play and no penalty was called. The girl even apologised for the way she high-hits. Don't apologise; don't DO it.
From the side lines the game was magical. It was GRDL in all their glory. Trapping, Running, Catching, Crawling, Waiting, Killing fucking WINNING that game.

It was premepted.
All i know is; i ate like i was on holiday.
from everything, including my anorexia. I haven't laughed that much in YEARS! I was uncontrallably happy. Now to come home settle in and find my rhythm. Strecthes, Yoga, Relaxation, Dancing, Skating, Laughing, Talking, Writing, Studying, Working. Finding my happy medium.

Why would KG make me happier?
Added i mean, for health sure. But for mind? Surely i would have made this assumption before. Assume NOTHING. I force food down my throat at sometimes a sickening disturbing rate because i am PETRIFIED for starving. I can't emphasise this anymore. I lose all control when eating. Sometimes.. on my good days i eat, i laugh, i talk it's all dandy. Then i go to do something and eat in secret, like a little fat rat. This is the part of me i do not like.

Mum tells me to not be so hard, but that in itself is remarkably difficult.

I will call J, A from now. There is no more Jailskate. After the heartache there gotta be some sunshine. I miss that boy more than anything. And i was going to fill the void with a little American Bulldog X American Staffy. But i can't do it. I want to. Will i? DO I? Why should i? HOW CAN I?

*Savage in "Boston Dawgs".
*Isis with Kebab AND Pizza.
*Crushed Apple Cider on Tap
*Thongs
*Sleep Talking
*BEING ROBBED, WHEN SO DESERVED.
*Hurt from teammates "You're not a skater, skaters first"... thanks for reminding me.
*Iced Coffees and Toast
*My first Big Breakfast (9hours full)
*Shopping till i was dropping, not a cent on something wortwhile but a smile.
*Plans, Adventures, READY FOR IT!
*Seeing auld friends, from other lifetimes.

A girl i was in hospital with is now Skating as a Freshie for the Albury team... you have NO idea how much i smiled when i heard this.

SEEING AND TALKING TO BETTY ON SKYPE THIS MORNING FOR HER BIRTHDAY!
That, THAT was a trip in itself.
5am Violet Crumbles.
Not sure about Pooch.
Working FULL ON.
SATURDAY STAT TEST.
FUCK I HAVE TO WORK!!???
Oh o.

Must work it out tomorrow. Woops i wrote work out.
No i will go for a walk tomrrow.
Stress Less.
Fun More.
Eat slower.
Less rules.

Make Happy and GO!

has always had a thing for the beast...

I find myself looking past my achieved goals; just so the stress has passed.
Instead of being mindful of where i am; and what i am doing.

Take Brisbane for example, Monday is as much on my horizon as the bout on Saturday. Instead of just being completely jibber jabbered that i've been ALLOWED and WORKED HARD to get to the point where i'm even considered an 'Emergency' and allowed to sit on the side lines cheering on the girls i train three times a week with. I have my best friends name tatooed on me. Both of them actually, and yet i have been so wrapped up with Roller Derby lately that i haven't had 'time' (nor made) to see her/them.

My neice has been alive for four month; and i have barely seen her.

Fuck that for a joke.

Codswallop.
(it's the day for profanities).

Ps. 9.52AM and i'm staring adoringly at the Beast whilst goosepimples rise from the music of Beauty and the Beast. He was only meant to be portraying a 20 year old man turned into said Beast.

...is going to bed as a Bloody Mary

Knee Deep in Pooch Shampoo
Our Jacks brothers kisses
Hart for Familia
Late Night Work Phonecalls
Osteo Morrow
12-7
Vol au Vants
Midnight Crumpet Dinner
Brisbane in 1.5 sleeps
Early Morning escapades with the Black Bear
Ooh a favourite.

So i tend to eat, think, plan around Derby training.
Yes, i have an Eating Disorder. Yes i notice that my time-away has been short lived due to planning for Brisbane.
But i am more than excited that my hours at work have increased within walking in and walking out.
I will be skating for the BLOODY MARYS at the Grand Final for the VRDL at the Melbourne Showgrounds.
I'm late to bed, again.
I ate late night dinner and didn't feel bad.
Because Peanut Butter fixes everyting.
I over ate because i was nervous, constant need of feed due to "the control was all i was good at".
Erhm, naming the hound.
Aye, Doing exactly what makes me happy.
Paying off debts.
Fixing self.
Playing Uke.
Waiting for Ashlea to come back.
Chris and his awkward "IM EATING CAKE" and it spat into my mouth. ACCIDENT CARB!
I want more healthy addictions.
Craft is definately up there.
Ebay + Niece + Photos + Art + Helping + Laughing + Puppies..
But really, music use to be an addiction.
Roller Derby is an addiction.
But i am scared to think where i would be, what i would do without.

Care to be without.
I need sleep.
I've been down, i've been troubled.
I've been stuck in my head.
URGH fucking i i i.
That's me done for.
You want me? Come and find me.

WHAT IS LIFE, TO YOU? PLEASE LIST.

Isn't it amazing, when capturing a thought becomes so hard that we beat ourselves up over the time spent thinking and not so much doing?
Okay; so when i talk.. sometimes i forget that i have already spent at least an hour fobbing off the idea and going over and over nit picking every situation, every outcome, every repercussion.. and it all bubbles down to ONE specific line.. and then i say that line and or question.. and get a billion blank stares, a few chuckles and a 'what the fuck is your problem?'

Everything i put into my body; i consider weight.
When i think of putting myself first; i feel ill.
Last night i was drying off my body from after a shower(nothing beats a pelting hot shower.. especially when you know what it's like to have a dripping little excuse of a piddly shower away from 'home'). So i says to myself i says.... Happy doesn't have a number. This sounds so naive and so incredibly simple. But to put it harshly. The tinier i get, the easier it is for me to trick myself into thinking i'm a better person, a happier a person, a healthier person, a winner. When i'm on rollerskates, i am merely one of the pack. Sometimes the runt. But i long to be a winner.
When in kilt; i'm a winner.. the feeling of knowing your toes are pointed in such a manner.. the "behind step behind" was nailed in third step. And you jump higher with every bounce because you ate a banana right before training.

Remember Steve from Jerry Springer? Youtube his video with the girl with anorexia nervosa. Starving herself to death. I never saw myself as being slim let alone skinny.. let alone skeletal.. (i still smile when i think of that little girl who nabbed at her mothers cardigan 'mum mum it's a walking skeleton!'.. it was a proud smile, how horrid.) But he says a remarkable quote.
"Nobody is asking you to live to eat, but you gotta eat to live".

Why would i want to starve myself; or starve my BRAIN to be skinny.. each step leading to death... to GAIN a life? I want to live, i want to skydive and have a familia, be moved by music, dance with strangers, eat tasty food, take photos in paris, drink in ireland, walk through london, i want to play with puppies and laugh with sister... okay; so this is me ranting. WHY WOULD I WANT TO STRIVE TO BE SO THIN (and when you are at this weight; even mine still the thought is merely on food. it's a condition where your brain and body are still malnourished that your bodys feelings let off constant thoughts of food to 'remind you to eat' it's amazing really but we are excellent at ignoring how we truley feel... even if our guts are SCREAMING AT US). THEREFOR TO BE A BETTER PERSON, IF IN FACT I AM NOT LIVING AT ALL MERELY EXISTING?? I DON'T WANT TO BE A PIE.(i love you pixar/disney/childrens film quotes in general) I want to have a relationship with my brother again, mum thinks this is a core reason to my problem. I think it's just because i am emotional and if it wasn't him i was upset about it'd be something else. We're humans; isn't the main point of living to FEEL emotions? To have arguements? To laugh uncontrollably? It's not to work our fingers to the bone. It's to be happy.. Right?

Speaking of which; home is not a building. Home is literally where the heart is. Not your heart, not their heart. I have felt at home whilst eating pizza with smiles. I have felt home on the back of a horse. I have felt home whilst rollerskating in Melbourne streets with people that genuinely cared about my safety Kat. So what; i'm 23 and live with my parents. I've tried living out of home, i didn't move back here because i missed them(though i did miss them, it wasn't the reason) i moved home because i all of a sudden realized i wasn't in the right financial place to be living independently and still able to maintain a healthy head.

I hope i got what i wanted out.
Basically; i will always have things i don't like about myself.
I don't like who i see in the mirror; so don't look in the mirror.

I'm playing Dog Washer this morning; then puppy trainer tonight; then rollerskating this evening.

And go.
x

Monsteral Cycling.

It's gotten to the point where i'm so a flutter in the brainbox that i'm up then i'm down (thanks k. perry) i'm becoming upset then shrugging it off.. Like i'm tug-o-warring. They warned me this day would come. And it's fine, look i can literally snap into realistic thinking these days. This is a comfort for me.

I'm not wanting to be 'that' girl. Nor do i want to be acknowledged by the way i stand. Or whome i stand with. As humans we tend to rely on physicality and perception before even considering the inner gizzards. It's easier for us to comprehend. Understanding that if we give a 'compliment' when sincere, it will be the right thing to do and or say. When in reality we should find 100 other reasons to tip our hats and a pat on the back.

"We're all fighting our own battles."

promised myself i'd hit the pillow before midnight.
i'm sure tomorrow is going to be beautiful

& atoms.
things that have nothing to do with meals/food tomorrow that i'd like to do to satisfy my jitterbugs.
#Unload Dishwasher
#Paint/Art up Shelf in room
#Organize for ***
#Start Packing
#Puppy School write up for B's classes
#Morning Walk(do not obsess. Do not obsess)
#Spotlight run?
#Find things to sell on ebay/market
#Package for BB Birthday
#Wait for Postman
#Grey Water Garden and Mushroom Patch
#Organize Room

if you can tell, the only time i sit down and 'chill' is when i'm on the computer.

Urgh, all the emotions without the showing.
This is like a peacock dancing without his feathers.

What is keeping me away from FB

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/109-cats-in-sweaters

www.ebay.com.au in general

www.youtube.com old television shows
animals of farthing wood
art attack
hey arnold (totally had a crush on him)
disney songs

http://www.alternet.org/health/111138?page=entire


http://images.google.com/images?q=amazing%20animal%20photographs&biw=1280&bih=796

Delivery of... Egg?

I kind of can't believe some things are happening at such speed.
Yet with such grace as well.

Today was one of them.
An amazing morning of pidgeons, gents in flatcaps and beautiful Mocconna on the balcony. Making sure that i caught a glimpse of the ocean before i left for work. And work? With a bird having a little poop on my shoulder all i can say is; a bird was on my shoulder.

I was petrified of birds less than a month ago, the thought of their beedy eyes and fluttery wings flapping about.. made me jittery with a side of hand trembles. But today, i could ask Tequila to step up, step up, step up and she pooped on my shoulder.

Roller Derby is my one place i know i don't have to think about my body, as most of it is on display(under work uniform of khaki and navy blue teeshirts.. i'm pretty sure it's the smile that eggs the puppies on, not how much gap is between the waistline and my tummy) but today felt different, lately i have been trying to just go with feelings; avoiding binges and therefor feeling satisfied when i do eat and still quite anxious when i miss a meal(not because i'm a greedy guts, but because i spent alot of my life starving myself.. that when i get even slight hunger i think SHIT I'M GOING BACKWARDS and just need to eat something.)

But S just stepped on some feelings.
For going on four years i have hated my body, it's weird lumps, it's jutty out ribs, it's slender yet flabby frame. Never once considering the damage i had laid on the inside. And damage to the point of breaking something so beautiful. So when "Look at your belly, are you pregnant..." This destroyed me. I haven't been comfortable with my body for a while. Scales being unavoidable at work due to stepping on them with puppies or.. well see, they're huge so we do it for fun. ** just sits there. That number is always there. I don't budge, but i look like i rollercoaster.

So i made the wrong choice, and then my old ways came back flaring. I broke and told somebody the miss take i made. And it won't happen again.

But no, i'm not pregnant. Because i want to be so skinny, i had to be skinny, i just had to! I have gone 4 years without a menstrual period. I now have jiggle(i can tell when i go over speed bumps in my car) slight jiggle, the padded bra helps.
But my body is a frame with tough meat on it. Maybe the extra kaygees are muscle.

And right when i'm about to fall. A text, a message, a smile... a thought. a photo.
SOMETHING happens.
Trusting in the world is the best thing i've ever done.
Going out for dinner three nights in a row and being able to spend time with my friends and familia. I want to spend more time with my brother and my nephews and niece but he doesn't look at me the same. Though i think about him every single moment of the day.

This is all over the place; as per usual.
I am working outrageously and erratically as a Puppy School Teacher whilst applying for University. I want to make a change; "just a puppy school teacher?"
I make people happy, i MAKE happy... i am happy. Sometimes. Sometimes i am miserable beyond belief. Crying for no reason, because i am in a constant struggle with my brain. Difference being, i'm not skeletal anymore, so now it's just the inner skeleton in the closet that's grinding me down. It won't beat me.

Buddha believes we have 3 levels.
Adult, Parent and Child.
3 choices.
The adult is the source.
The parents is the docile.
The child is the creator.
Or so i see's it.

I'm off from FB land for a while, need the real world to cover some wounds.

Though i didn't make it to the Bloody Marys i will be on the side lines cheering them on and though heavy hearted, smile faced. Because i have the chance to train with them.

Maybe, just maybe... this is all in good time.
Maybe i should just walk away, some people aren't cut out for Roller Derby.
Stack is slowly Laurenizing herself again.
And can't say i'm disappointed or worried about this.

Bed time.
Sleepy time.

x

Obladi Oblada

Do i think other people make up excuses or falsely placed legitimate reasons as to dog out of plans to avoid a higher point of anxiety? I was thinking about this on the drive to work, it's not ANYTHING to do with that other person. If anything, there is more excitement therefor my heart races a bit faster, raising my awareness and therefor anxiety which if anything entices me to text them and pull out of the plans. It's nothing to do with that other person. I love people, when face to face with them i am so happy to be there, but the leading up to? I am a sucker for What-Ifs.

Funnily enough(it's not funny at all) i'm at my most calm when around those with high stressors switch on... biggest anti die-ter i know of.. and refuse to let ANYBODY be over ridden with negative mind from being happy.

I've decided a few things.
One of which is to stop living in the past, this goes for regretting binges and feelings of unworthiness... no point really.

Another thing.
Laddie, and his beautiful face.

NEXT on SICK SAD WORLD.
xx

Get on this, i choose. I chose.

http://zenhabits.net/20-ways-to-eliminate-stress-from-your-life/

I am sorry for your loss... xxx

How shellfish can one be?
One of my nearest and dearest friends is at her grandmothers funeral right now, and all i can think about is 'what's wrong with me', 'why me', 'but i don't wanna..'...

There is something so ugly about the green eyed monster, we always push ourselves to this awful level of unnatainable perfection and the overwhelming guilt that covers us when we do not achieve.. what a horible feeling.

Beautiful Eva, i hope you are okay. I laughed when you told me stories of the Hot water bottle(of coke) and the attack of the Killer Rooster (sorry mama Eva). Whenever you need a hug, you know where i am. I love you every bit.

And i am excited about Fables.
xxx

Beatles Puzzle, go do yourself.

How do i explain whats going on in my mind right now?

When somebody gives word of advice, i take it like gospel. I nod in agreence and engrave it into my head.
I want to look after myself and feel great. I want to jump out of bed again. And like Lauren would tell the world "YOU CAN DO IT". YOU jump out of bed, not the food you put in, or the thoughts in your head. You have everything you need to make a change.
Take a chance and give into the positive mind. We are far too close with the negative to realize how far we are from true happiness. We're all going to be okay in the long run. But for now, we must tighten our boot laces and man up.

I can't wait for Spring Time.. working as much as i can, saving as much as i can, relaxing as much as i can. I spent all of winter thinking/or trying to burn off calories. Telling myself otherwise but a part of me just wanted to stay skinny. Sickly skinny. Not slim. Not Slender. I want to be sick.

I want to be cared for, i want to be shown the way. A part of me isn't happy with the way everything is turning out and the only reason i punish myself is because i want to be the very best i can be. And i don't think i am giving it my all.

So, bottom line is trying harder i guess.
There is always going to be something to blog about.

Here is something; i want something to take up more of my time.
I spend 99% of my time thinking about food. I'm obsessed.
Sometimes i make three meals because i don't know what to have then instead of enjoying the meal i choose i end up regretting it and wishing i'd opted for something else.

It's the thought.
The thought we don't need. Nor want. It's merely there.
Yes, i saw Inception.

But it didn't shock me, or surprise me. I spend more of my days thinkign like that. Trying to stop/trigger/engage thoughts of mine and others. A thought is not a fact.

I want to adventure. I want to learn and study and i am SO excited for university. To start off all fresh.

Day three with no coffee, no chocolate, no lollies and no facebook.
I really shouldn't do this to myself, with my black and white thinking it's like a lamb to the slaughter. Because it means when i do have coffee I've already branded it as a BAD thing therefor i will punish myself, and feel hell guilty. Same for Chocolate and Lollies.

When really i'm trying to feel better on the inside.
I went to mum and dads yesterday because i am so lonley in this house.
I hate waking up alone every day.
I wake up with a smile when Js is here.

I got so excited listening to him talking about his annual Melbourne Show trip he takes with his grandparents. I love that. Because it is so familiar. I love how much i love him.

I'm trying to give up c&c

I don't think i could have chosen two harder things to give up, i feel like death right now., And coming up to the end of day two i made the decision to quit my bitchin' and just set out and do it.

I've spent so much time procrastinating and now that my weight (or lack of) no longer holds me back i can do this. I can do whatever the frick i want.

I gave up Chocolate for a little bit, i gave up lollies for a little bit, i gave up coffee for a little bit.
I want to be making and eating my own meals again, so i will. And i am. And dandy!

Also waving goodbye to the Facebook.
Not for along, but living in this house means i must give up some things. And some of those things are things we want. or think we need.

I had a wonderful moment the other day, sitting on a wooden bridge dangling my footsies over the edge into the closed mouth river with birds singing, and cherry blossom stretched wide above my head. Delicious.
Look how many I's again. Fail. So i've decided to go home. Not because i feel like i have to. Not because my housemate not because of anything. But i feel it's the right thing to do right now. I go with gut feelings and my gut tells me.. i need to be at home right now. I'm going to continue paying mum and dad rent but with no extra expenses. I just hate feeling responsible for screwing S over. She is an amazing girl and has made moving out the best ever. but i was not her ideal roomie. She is never home, and i fucking hate it. I can't stand being alone. It's when i'm alone i am at my very worst. I want to have someone to cook for, someone to hang with.

it stinks.


I'm going to the gym.
Because i feel fat. And i hate that.

Less care, careless.

try not giving a shit

I'm trying out a new thing, it's called not giving a shit.
I got home from roller derby training and couldn't decide on what to make, so i made pizza. When in doubt. Make pizza.

Do i feel bad for this?
No.

And by no, i mean i'll get over it.
Trying this whole no caffiene no chocolate no lollies thing.
I don't like it, so why am i doing it?

I want to be healthier. Living out of home has been added stress = added baggage = binge sessions.

I don't wanna know.
I don't want to give a shit.

does not want, please.

I don't want to be in the majority.
Sometimes i'll be secretly digging into some kind of food(usually something 'naughty') and like a rat, a filthy little trash rat i'll be nibbling away at a slivvering or 9 of cake. More than what everybody else had, like someone who hasn't eaten cake for a thousand years. I did it tonight, you know. One slice of me goes "it's okay, you ARE going to the gym tomorrow." And everyday i wake up telling myself it's going to be better today, it's going to be different.

My psychologist and dietician have recently put together a project where i was their main topic. I was their "it will be okay". So of course i feel disgusted in myself when i begin these.. well they are... i binge.

Because while i nibble, i tell myself no.
I don't even get time to enjoy because i'm too busy feeling embaressed and disgusted in myself. The tearoom at work, when people are in the next room. Sometimes i've tried to speed them along so i could secretly steal another crumb of chocolate from the table.

When will this stop?
My stomach is bulging out around my abdomen and i can't explain why. I can't really pass anything solid at the moment and i'm turning back into old ways.

I have been to the gym once this week.
One; because i have a cold/flu. (though sweating it out has helped in the past)
Two; because this girl came into my life, a girl who wants what i am suffering from
and Three; because i've been lazy.

I haven't been listening to myself at all.
I've been telling myself No More Sweeties.
No more Chocolates.

I write lists of things to do to keep my occupied so eating isn't a trouble but a joy and a usual day to day thing.

I don't even have normal hunger pains anymore. I am either not hungry and eat anyway or i'm so worried or anxious thinking about the food that i eat and forget i've eaten and just sit their in an excited rage of emotions.

I'm too tired for this, it's all in the head.
Everything is in the head.
We control our minds, actions, behaviours.
Please help me be strong enough to turn the other stone.

I look bigger, healthier. People recognise.. And when i try to forget it is brought up again. If not by people i know then by strangers.
I don't want my constant thoughts to be pre occupied with food and exercise.
I want to to be happy.

I've recently decided i want to go to Uni next year and must do a math catch up class before then. But this means giving into outer limitations. I don't want to be in this comfort zone anymore.
My housemate i think is going to be moving in with her best friend and she has given me one of the best experiences at living out of home. Apart from Hospital this is like freedom., Though Food has scared me... again and again.

Not even Roller Derby has helped me out of this rut.
Work has, but even then the girls there eat cake. I want to eat cake, i want to eat cake and not worry about it.

I'm the biggest anti dieter in the world.
FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCKFCUKFCUKFUCK.

Just fuck off.
I'll probably be moving back into my parents house, under different circumstances until i have saved enough to mvoe out again.

My hours a\t work were cut dramatically and now all i want to do is study and be busy.
i'm sick of going to bed full as a goog. not happy full but sad full.. exhausted full... like 'just get enough sleep to gym tomorrow morning'.

Do i want to be the skeleton on the treadmill again?
Why do i emphasize my body so much.

Baked goods be the death of me.
Death by cake it will be.

I want to skydive.
I want to move to UK.
I want to visit mi familia.. the cherowbriars.
I want to meet puppies in france.
I want to cook with friends
I want to be lauren, as much as i am stack
I don't want to be angry at jailskate for burning the toast, or not living up to my..... expectations?

I want to be yoga obsesed again
i want to draw
i want to be tattooed again
i want people to se eme, i think people see i am binging myself into this shell of
something i am not.

i need to go to bed..

Craving Vitamin B, C and D.

I had a bad day yesterday, a really bad dad.
In comparrison, i had a pretty damn amazing weekend...
Ultimate list;
Shar Pei Pee leg at work
Working
Missing meals, replacing meals
nerves
Salad rolls for dinner
Chocolate Labs
Rollerama ventures
Bella & Keyes
Buying a dress or two
Completing forms
Making plans
Picnics at Buckley Falls
Sleeping in till Lunchtime
Jailskate
Tupperware Parties gone haywire
Free coffee when you weren't expecting it
Betsy Blonde & Boss Doc
Rai Scar & Becks mega roast & pudding night
Meeting the Dachies
Self realizations
Making proper plans for future
What i wanna do
What i gotta do
What i'm gonna do
Derby Training, in reverse.
Working muscles, stretching core.
Love yourself now, Treat yourself now.

i'm on hold with 3 mobile.. one handed blog
So when you get woken up at 2.28AM by a blood curdeling scream and a smash caboom blammo, you want to run away. You want to wake up 7 years old and allowed to eat what you want, put on your rollerskates and skate up and down your street without a care in the world. But you can't. You sleep with your light on, worried that she has hurt herself. Knowing you can't wake somebody from something like this. I had a warning, but no way of knowing what was going to happen.

Poor dear.
I wake up at 11AM two days in a row. I don't sleep in, i like making the most of the morning, the midday and the afternoon... i enjoy sleeping when the sun is down. (my hand is still smudgey with vegemite.. at least i hope it's vegemite..)

With a dirty message from my dear heart "You said you were going to get up at 8.30" Really? Really? you know how much i was kicking myself already and you make me feel even worse. Do you know how much i punish myself already? I am now signed up with a 24/7 Gym and i love it, i do. I love that i have something to do, somewhere to go. But i don't like using it as a way of punishment. Which i have been. I'm being charged for it, so since moving out of home i don't want to go wasting something that i'm paying for. Same goes for food.

As per usual, i get stressed and it comes out in what i'm consuming. Is it so bad to want to just lie on the couch and watch a television series? Something tells me i should be moving, always moving.

My head is stuffed, both now, from flu and mentally from stress.
I have things to do, things i have to do. And by have i mean, want to with a bit more importance.

Aka. Finding out information on catch up classes and university courses.

I didn't pass VCE Math, and to get into the Uni course i want to do i must have it. Therefor catchup classes is the way to go. Instead of waiting out another 6 months and picking up later.

Not enjoying feeling frumpy.
I am now at a BMI of 18.

Woah.

I reversed out of my driveway and hit a man on his motorized scooter.

*i haven't been writing in a long time... this is word vomit.
*i ate so much cheese crackers and chocolate because i missed dinner and was starving that i threw up.
*feelings over thought
*psychotics lost the grand final
*i love fruit
*i tried to go vegetarian for a while, Rai made me change my mind
*i want to take part in Going Without...any suggestions?

Back on the blog world, including images.
Thanks for letting me use your laptop Miss S.

Back to the scratching post...
Purrxxx

We have a She-Leader!

Well Gee wizz, i fly away from the facebook spectrum for a whole three days and Australian Government goes all topsy turvy!

I don't know how to feel about this incredibly monumental moment... We have a female Prime Minister.

"We'll never see a black man as president..."
"We'll never see a female leader of Australia..."
"You won't live to see your 22nd bithday..."
HA suckers; i knew all along!!

My calves are burning, my lady is shining and the coffee is black.
Enjoyed a bowl of winterful Banana and Walnut Honey Oats this morning, a bit of a play on the whole Protein slash Carbs slash Fats (Slash Fruit.. i always have to have plenty of fruit). I won't eat two apple in the same day. I try not to eat anything out of a packet(Ice cream and Chocolate hold the exception..)

I am looking forward to working this afternoon, finishing my cross stitch, spending the weekend with mi familia.. i got to hold Izzy last night for the first time in a week.. Gastro is something to be greatly avoided .. especially to that of a wee bern liker dear Izzy.

Today i will;
clean the bathroom(CHECK)
clean the kitchen (CHECK)
teach an ol' hound new tricks(Shake my hand, baby).
write some postcards..
steps of Puppy School into li'l black book
a stroll around the neighbourhood..
work
home for pumpkin soup and crusty bread
ice cream and probably some television..

i don't watch television, and i have come to the very severe realization that i may be bright.. but i couldn't tell you what a Kardashian is, i have no idea about the economy.. only that it makes 'adults' in my life sad and stressed, sometimes even mentally depressed, i couldn't even begin to understand the 'Dollar' and when it is good to buy some new Sugars.. Does this make me dumb? Does this make me special?
Not in a good way, i feel a bit daft for not knowing, i've never considered myself naive, i guess it's quite similar to my .. everybody has a good side.. i like to think no matter what, deep down people are alright.. so things can't be that bad(And Mr. Murphy says, if everything seems alright, you have no idea whats going on).

I'll never question Mrs. Murphy.

X

When your smiles stuck in m head like a pop song..

Day Duex of Anti-FB.
I spent the morning humming about the house waiting for 11PM to roll around so i could bolt on into KK to see Seemore Spinner. My phone flashed up at just past 10 and i was ready to be drilled.

The constant need of having to tell the world what i am doing is becoming a fuzzy backburn. I don't need you, i want you.. but never need.

I spend more time in the moment of things than wadering about my own wonders.

I finally got my lady, I couldn't thank Spinner enough for this. She is a masterpiece to me. An incredible feeling.. having carried this woman around with me for years now. On every wall, as a screensaver, by my bedside. But now she is at my side. For all time.

Endulged in a delicious Ham and cheese Croissant, a whisper perhaps.. "YOU'VE ALREADY HAD A BREAD-LIKE SUBSTANCE TODAY!.. AND THE BUTTER.. YOU'RE HAVING GOULASH TONIGHT NO MORE BUTTER"... no what i heard was 'I'm hungry and i got derby tonight.. feed me up.. oh i love this cafe' and on we go.

Tonight i head off to bed with a tummy full of Peanut Butter Cups. I have been in high love with this Toxic for many a moon. For a year now have known of her but what a wonder. A leader in every sense of the word. Sends me.. ME... a mighty bag of Peanut Butter Cups and a reason to sleep in. A wonder; understatement. She is just divine.

Off we pop. Not much on for tomorrow. Mister O'Keefe was booked out and couldnt' see me in time before i had to run off to work. So have rescegged.

I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
But i'm fine, i'm fine..