Monday, January 10, 2011

Scratching to Scrawling..

It's about time to empty the kitty litter...

This is a place for all my shit, a place to vent, crap on.. and try and push out whatever it is that is holding me back from living my life..

I have been involved with disease for the past three years. It has utterly consumed every fibre of my being. And with great contentment, i need to let go.. I was never good at saying goodbye.

And this isn't to say i won't return to the dark corner of the room, but in some way i would like to think i am far beyond this now.

I am not going back to the place with the same headspace. Alot of that is in the words you are reading. I've done the thinking, i've done the over analyzing, hell i've even googled ways of 'recovering'. Anything to get me back into the sunlight.

What i'm hoping to gain from my tomorrows;
How to live, not merely exist...
How to love again, heart and soul...
To love and respect myself, before trying to love somebody else...
To listen to my body, feed it, love it, tend to it's needs...
To learn how to just rest, in quiet...
To learn to enjoy things again, slow down, look around, enjoy life...
How to eat in peace...
How to trust myself..
To re-learn my loves, my passions and hobbies...
To wander around this world with a real smile...
To laugh, really laugh... from the inner gizzards...
Not to give up when the going gets tough...

There is no time on this, when somebody asks what i do.. I'm timeless. No point putting a figure on something so beautiful as what life is, and what it can be.
It's only when you give up complete control, that you become whole.

I wish you all hope, love and let me do mine.
See you on the other side..
Scratch Scratch.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Gone Fishin'

While we were out on our evening walk;

There are some moments my rational mind is about 98% in control.

2% at rest.

I have had so much support lately from one someone in particular.

And though i'm seeking answers from others, instead of myself (oh, like a typical person living in this day and age?)

I'm the one that made this specific decision.

Honestly, i use FB as a means of cheap and easy communication. Gone are the days that i would have suitcases of hand written letters, postcards.. all from the one place, all meaning the world to me. Have you ever recieved a letter sprayed with a cologne? With a rose petal? I can truthfully say i have. And it can change your entire state of self.

FB is becoming an obsession to anybody disconnected from themselves. It means they are constantly updated with the current state of everybody else. I culled over 500+ people in one sitting. Going through anybody i had never spoken to, hadn't met(excluding os family and roller derby teams) and anybody who had an animation as a display image.

A few months ago i wrote a list of things i wanted to do.

And scratched off every single one in the 3 weeks i was away from facebook. Not because i felt i had to. But because i had the time.. and twiddling my thumbs leads to finger cramping. My point being, i care more about what those on FB think than those in my real life.

Not saying i do, but a part of me, the ill part of me.. adds some photos specifically in need of a reminder that i am unwell. And the acknowledgment of those around me. Having said that, i am more aware of me doing it now than i am at the time. Doesn't that say something? A scream for help? Any kind of lifeline to snap me back to reality. I didn't need a shot down, i didn't need to be shunned by the ones that i cared about the most. I tried my very hardest in the real world, just to survive.. to be happy. We can't all be as happy as you. Everybody is fighting their own battle.

I'm not better off having been through what i did.

I am in no way more superior for having to deal with this disease.

In highschool i made fun of the anorexic twins like everybody else on the bus, anybody that knew me 4 or so years ago would laugh in my face if i said i was going to get a disease that shrunk every organ in my body and made me the skeleton i was. I've regained half the minimum weight required to have a healthy lifestyle. I constantly think of food because my body is still screaming for extra nutrition. But i am in no NO way more wisley and wordly having been through any of this, no matter how hard it is to realize. Is this even coming across correctly? I'm not asking for pity. This is how i get it all out. I write it down. I can type faster than i write. And yes there will be a day where i don't have to write it down, and it will be water off a ducks back, but you know what? Right now.. it helps me to get it out.

I wish you were as proud of me for trying with all my might to live in the real you are for my choice to go back in.

I feel not worthy enough to seek the help i am receiving. I feel like their are a million other people needing a hand held more than me. I want to help, i want to make people happy.

Alright, i already had one lady 'that's the stupidest fucking thing i ever heard'.

I didn't even realize how murderous the Queensland floods were.

A gunman is loose in my stomping ground.

My best friends birthday is tomorrow.

I'm packing my bag. Mostly with books, and a contact juggling ball.. I WILL master it Mister Bowie.

And through all of this, their is the whitest light sitting in my chest telling me everything is going to be alright.

That this is the mean fight before i re-gain my life. Weight is merely a coverage.

"filling my bones".

feeding my heart - team fat hearts.

and living my life to the fattest degree.

Friday, January 7, 2011

And i think to myself, but i want to think t you.

Joey Ramone - What a wonderful world.

I found the old hard drive full of tunes, i use to be transformed by music.

And i had the most bizarre taste, if it moved my feet i wouldn't skip it.

Britney Spears - Toxic is on this playlist.

Next to MacArthur Park and the Last Unicorn soundtrack.

I don't know why i feel so lost right now, i want to be strong enough to fight this dis ease.

So i'm taking the plunge

Some thoughts of my own... which is why i'm heading back.

"you don't look sick enough to be back there."

"there is no point in eating now, you're going to gain in there"

I cried last night, scared of what others think. Though i'd shift the world for those that matter, those that don't opinions haunt me. Why? I would drop my pants for my league. But care more about how they percieve my body(it is a tool, afterall)... I made it my own to never comment on somebodys body, nor appearance. I wish this was a worldwide affair.

"you look well" even makes me think i'm fat.

FAT!? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm underweight. For 3 years i've punished myself.

This rollercoaster is killing me. And i love rollercoasters.

The main difference is (The old main drag - the pogues) i know i'm ill.

I'm not anywhere close to what i was last time i was there. I enjoyed the constant company. I am half as manipulative (a beautiful trait of this bastard) as i use to be.. but am great at putting on my mask.

Everybody is fighting their own battle, why the hell do i feel uppety about mine being any worse off.

I can think f a million ("she does nothing by halves.. " - ) people who need protection from themselves more than me.

I am becoming afraid of food again? WHen did that happen? So i push on and eat the things that scare me most. But the guilt afterwards is killing me.

And all i keep telling myself is "i can't wait for my real life to begin" knowing full well... when not stuck in my head (it;s back to 40/60) i am living my life... a great life... just not as real as i'd like)

It's not that i'm selfish, i hate selfish people. see my point?

i want to like myself enough to look after myself.

I'm sorry i always talk about this, it consumes me sometimes. An overwhelming fucker.

Well, this is it. I'm going to miss having control.. but know i must let go COMPLETELY to gain my life back.

This is Lauren speaking.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Bloods a'boiling

Pants off friday.

I am furious, pretty man, and quite pitiful.
Not understanding an illness is one thing, but honestly thinking less of somebody for it is another..

I am furious, pretty mad and quite pitiful.
Just because people have other plans with their lives, doesn't mean your lives are any better.
I try hard every single day, every single second to make the most of my life, sometimes i just have to suck it up and put on a brave face, no matter how my nerves shoot me down. But to think that people have such low care and respect for you just makes me think i need to try harder, for a different reason.

I am relieved, i am content and quite alright.
I'll make the most of mine, and leave the rest to beaver.

Snoochie Boochies.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

And never underestimate the power of Body Language.

A form of communication.
An act of kindness, kinship and love.
The vessel to our gizzards..
and the transport of our soul.

The heart holds memory,
the grey matter remembers the memory
and the body gets the brunt of it.

We hold stress in our shoulders,
We run so much our feet burn,
We work our fingers to the bone,
We try to do 3 things at once and Stub our toe
We're too busy looking to the future that we don't see a passing car

My god, what we put our bodies through...and they always somehow forgive us...
Going on 3 years, and getting my results back from my Bone scan today...
Will reality finally hit me?
Will i be counting my blessings?
That i have a chance?
I'm holding my breath and turning blue...
and by next week i hand over the keys(literally) and hang my hat at the door...
I'm listening to my body.

From my Listography


# Animal Companionship Course
# Save for Travel
# Go Camping
# Visit Dinosaur Museum
# Read at LEAST 10 books from my list
# Complete my tattoos
# Write a short story
# Go swimming with the sharks
# Go Skydiving
# Horse riding on the beach
# Connect with auld friends
# Billy Connolly
# Billy Joel
# Sort my half sorted room(s)
# Garage Sale
# Begin Highland Dancing again!!
# Take Piano lessons
# Ukulele Duel with my hart
# Take more snapshots

this will go on for a while..

leaving my hat at the door..

The programme itself runs for 40 days, how it works is quite hard to explain.
You basically 'hand over' everything. From car keys to your freedom. Each week runs 'ward rounds' (this is from 2 years ago, so it may have changed) where there is a panel of all your professionals.. the doctor use to call us 'her girls'. Simon has seen me since i was 75-70-65-48-60-58-60-57 and so knows me well knows a part of me.. whatever part isn't disordered.. he knows disordered me very well.
Anorexia is very manipulative you see, i can fake everything without wanting to.
At the moment, and for quite some time i was winning.
now it is more 80-Disordered 2-Me and what does that leave? Well ??-Nothing.. a black hole.

Anyway, they tell me my progression.. weekly weigh ins usually on a tuesday morning, sometimes blind, then it is told to us at ward round.. you should hear the silence in the room after they've been weighed.. 1kg is like you've been raped. Thje blank stares, the dry chapped lips from malnutrition.. i never felt that.. i liked being hollow but never liked hurting myself.
We ask our panel for things
ie. bathroom door unlocked
leave with somebody
leave without somebody
our car
change our meal plans
(structured watched meals

8-breakfast (cereal+milk+toast+protein shake+juice)
10-morning tea('green food' + 'purple' food.. muesli bar + milkshake... crumpets with spread...yogurt + muesli bar.. Custard(SO MUCH CUSTARD.. we could tell what cooks were on as to how lumpy our custard was.. i never had custard till inside.. i kind of miss it) anyway..
12-lunch (sandwich + juice + dessert)
3- afternoon tea(see morning tea)
5-dinner (must have one hot meal either lunch or dessert plus juice)
8-supper (see morning tea)

So as you can see, i'm stressed about the crappy food.
but it's not about the food, for once.. this is about my head
i can have good food when im out.. which is why this week im eating all my favourite things. you end up savouring moments instead of morsels.
I miss me.
I miss MY mind.
Not hazes.
I know meditation and quite time helps.
But i'm swining between these horrible guilt trips, punishing myself. Usually if i'm left alone i do crunches/squats/run on the spot. anything to burn calories.
And on the other hand i eat large amounts in a small amount of time.. in secret... 'binging' and i don't know why. I don't know why.

Why do i talk about it so much?
I don't want to.
I have hobbies you know?
I am interested in Antique Circus', Gypsy Folk, Dogs, Puppies, Familias, Roller Derby, Music, Ukulele, Piano, Pianee, Massage, Highland Dancing, Writing Poetry, Writing Fiction, Books, Studying, i love studying.. Horse Riding, i want to swim with sharks, I love the colour scarlet, i love old rustic gold frames with out pictures hung on a dark brick wall, i love buddahs, i love cliche coffee table books, i love jewellry, i love animals, i love the smell of a tattoo shop, i love Newtown-Sydney, i love late night strolls (not burning, i love walking and giggling and talking and learning) i love candles around my bath.. big gold red melted wax ones. I love sleeping..I love waking up at dawn..i love pidgeon crawdles in the morning....i LOVE photography.. always have.. i collect photos. i collect postcards, asian fans, i love food.. not just edible food, i love ethnic foods, which i NEVER liked before getting ill.. i want food to merely be a part of my life.. i want things to go between meal times.

and out of all of this, i'm happy in there..
but to be insignificant. "the only good anorexic is a dead anorexic" i was good at something.
not the middle child, shitty student, single 20 something yearold that was kinda chubby. And in todays world, looks can make or break.

Why am i telling you all of this?

bottom line, i miss my boys already..