Sunday, January 9, 2011

Gone Fishin'

While we were out on our evening walk;

There are some moments my rational mind is about 98% in control.

2% at rest.

I have had so much support lately from one someone in particular.

And though i'm seeking answers from others, instead of myself (oh, like a typical person living in this day and age?)

I'm the one that made this specific decision.

Honestly, i use FB as a means of cheap and easy communication. Gone are the days that i would have suitcases of hand written letters, postcards.. all from the one place, all meaning the world to me. Have you ever recieved a letter sprayed with a cologne? With a rose petal? I can truthfully say i have. And it can change your entire state of self.

FB is becoming an obsession to anybody disconnected from themselves. It means they are constantly updated with the current state of everybody else. I culled over 500+ people in one sitting. Going through anybody i had never spoken to, hadn't met(excluding os family and roller derby teams) and anybody who had an animation as a display image.

A few months ago i wrote a list of things i wanted to do.

And scratched off every single one in the 3 weeks i was away from facebook. Not because i felt i had to. But because i had the time.. and twiddling my thumbs leads to finger cramping. My point being, i care more about what those on FB think than those in my real life.

Not saying i do, but a part of me, the ill part of me.. adds some photos specifically in need of a reminder that i am unwell. And the acknowledgment of those around me. Having said that, i am more aware of me doing it now than i am at the time. Doesn't that say something? A scream for help? Any kind of lifeline to snap me back to reality. I didn't need a shot down, i didn't need to be shunned by the ones that i cared about the most. I tried my very hardest in the real world, just to survive.. to be happy. We can't all be as happy as you. Everybody is fighting their own battle.

I'm not better off having been through what i did.

I am in no way more superior for having to deal with this disease.

In highschool i made fun of the anorexic twins like everybody else on the bus, anybody that knew me 4 or so years ago would laugh in my face if i said i was going to get a disease that shrunk every organ in my body and made me the skeleton i was. I've regained half the minimum weight required to have a healthy lifestyle. I constantly think of food because my body is still screaming for extra nutrition. But i am in no NO way more wisley and wordly having been through any of this, no matter how hard it is to realize. Is this even coming across correctly? I'm not asking for pity. This is how i get it all out. I write it down. I can type faster than i write. And yes there will be a day where i don't have to write it down, and it will be water off a ducks back, but you know what? Right now.. it helps me to get it out.

I wish you were as proud of me for trying with all my might to live in the real you are for my choice to go back in.

I feel not worthy enough to seek the help i am receiving. I feel like their are a million other people needing a hand held more than me. I want to help, i want to make people happy.

Alright, i already had one lady 'that's the stupidest fucking thing i ever heard'.

I didn't even realize how murderous the Queensland floods were.

A gunman is loose in my stomping ground.

My best friends birthday is tomorrow.

I'm packing my bag. Mostly with books, and a contact juggling ball.. I WILL master it Mister Bowie.

And through all of this, their is the whitest light sitting in my chest telling me everything is going to be alright.

That this is the mean fight before i re-gain my life. Weight is merely a coverage.

"filling my bones".

feeding my heart - team fat hearts.

and living my life to the fattest degree.

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