Tuesday, January 4, 2011

leaving my hat at the door..

The programme itself runs for 40 days, how it works is quite hard to explain.
You basically 'hand over' everything. From car keys to your freedom. Each week runs 'ward rounds' (this is from 2 years ago, so it may have changed) where there is a panel of all your professionals.. the doctor use to call us 'her girls'. Simon has seen me since i was 75-70-65-48-60-58-60-57 and so knows me well knows a part of me.. whatever part isn't disordered.. he knows disordered me very well.
Anorexia is very manipulative you see, i can fake everything without wanting to.
At the moment, and for quite some time i was winning.
now it is more 80-Disordered 2-Me and what does that leave? Well ??-Nothing.. a black hole.

Anyway, they tell me my progression.. weekly weigh ins usually on a tuesday morning, sometimes blind, then it is told to us at ward round.. you should hear the silence in the room after they've been weighed.. 1kg is like you've been raped. Thje blank stares, the dry chapped lips from malnutrition.. i never felt that.. i liked being hollow but never liked hurting myself.
We ask our panel for things
ie. bathroom door unlocked
leave with somebody
leave without somebody
our car
change our meal plans
(structured watched meals

8-breakfast (cereal+milk+toast+protein shake+juice)
10-morning tea('green food' + 'purple' food.. muesli bar + milkshake... crumpets with spread...yogurt + muesli bar.. Custard(SO MUCH CUSTARD.. we could tell what cooks were on as to how lumpy our custard was.. i never had custard till inside.. i kind of miss it) anyway..
12-lunch (sandwich + juice + dessert)
3- afternoon tea(see morning tea)
5-dinner (must have one hot meal either lunch or dinner..plus dessert plus juice)
8-supper (see morning tea)

So as you can see, i'm stressed about the crappy food.
but it's not about the food, for once.. this is about my head
i can have good food when im out.. which is why this week im eating all my favourite things. you end up savouring moments instead of morsels.
I miss me.
I miss MY mind.
Not hazes.
I know meditation and quite time helps.
But i'm swining between these horrible guilt trips, punishing myself. Usually if i'm left alone i do crunches/squats/run on the spot. anything to burn calories.
And on the other hand i eat large amounts in a small amount of time.. in secret... 'binging' and i don't know why. I don't know why.

Why do i talk about it so much?
I don't want to.
I have hobbies you know?
I am interested in Antique Circus', Gypsy Folk, Dogs, Puppies, Familias, Roller Derby, Music, Ukulele, Piano, Pianee, Massage, Highland Dancing, Writing Poetry, Writing Fiction, Books, Studying, i love studying.. Horse Riding, i want to swim with sharks, I love the colour scarlet, i love old rustic gold frames with out pictures hung on a dark brick wall, i love buddahs, i love cliche coffee table books, i love jewellry, i love animals, i love the smell of a tattoo shop, i love Newtown-Sydney, i love late night strolls (not burning, i love walking and giggling and talking and learning) i love candles around my bath.. big gold red melted wax ones. I love sleeping..I love waking up at dawn..i love pidgeon crawdles in the morning....i LOVE photography.. always have.. i collect photos. i collect postcards, asian fans, i love food.. not just edible food, i love ethnic foods, which i NEVER liked before getting ill.. i want food to merely be a part of my life.. i want things to go between meal times.

and out of all of this, i'm happy in there..
but to be insignificant. "the only good anorexic is a dead anorexic" i was good at something.
not the middle child, shitty student, single 20 something yearold that was kinda chubby. And in todays world, looks can make or break.

Why am i telling you all of this?

bottom line, i miss my boys already..

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