Saturday, May 29, 2010

for the love of peanut butter.

alas i twirl my hair and wait,


one word;

it wouldn't be called a crush if it wasn't meant to hurt.

Am i suspended in gaffa...

So i'm not black and white.. Really?
But here comes the rain, so i'm going to call it a night. And by that i mean take off my hat and undo my bra. Not necessarily take it off anytime soon. But the preperation is there, i am dedicated and now planted the seed of not leaving the house.

And coming from the most indecisive thing on two legs; i drive a hard bargain.

I miss whatever it is i was feeling this time last night. There was peace and complete contentment wrapped up in all things wonderful.
This lack of control, has been exactly what i needed for now. Becoming more forward in my future, realizing that there is something else out there and maybe even acknowledging myself as more than a wall flower.

But i don't wanna be that thing again.
I almost packed up and moved to Sydney to play this role, and i jam fancy roles so why on earth would i put myself back in this situation. Because i haven't felt like this for so long. It is over whelming and charming and very very beautiful to look at.

But close up; there is this whole ugly back catalogue of other peoples emotions at hand. I don't do things by halves. I go right in there, fuck it up and then run away when shit doth hiteth the fan.

But i am skating my first bout in a weeks time, and this is not the time to lose heart over a boy. There i said it, a boy has somehow made me look twice. Somehow kept me up for 3 days straight.. and all i recall is his eyes, his music and dude he thought i was beautiful. Me? My best friend told me i "repelled" men since i became ill. Okay that was some kaygees ago but this man, this whole situation is amazing. And i want it.
I want to be a part of it, and having said that. I will do whatever i can to get what i want. Because i give up on these things, and i could easily wake up tomorrow and crawl straight back into my 8-11-130-4-630-9 regime.. i could and i probably would. But he makes me not want to. Not even a week and he makes me question everything i have ever believed in.

*slams face into table*
knitting and a cup of tea; fuck reality tonight.

I'm not doing the back seat, sydney, other girl call.
Sorry, it really doesn't suit me.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Go to sleep little lamb.

what the hell is going on?
anxiety has taken a much needed holiday and is leaving me with these demonic little tummy butterflies all getting up in their kung fu gear.

the similarities are few and far between;
i've started laughing for unknown reasons;
things started happening;

but i'm not sure if said things should be happening for any known reason, other than it is the right time and the right place for it.

And i think i know what i want to do.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

it's in the weigh she stays

at what age, do we honestly believe we find ourselves?
is it the same time we wear the dress we bought for that 'special occasion'?
is it the same time we finally decide to catch up with that friend you promised to see?
perhaps it's the same time you finally put your name down on the volunteer list?

do we expect to hit this age and be handed this book of answers, how to be happy, how to tell your children money doesn't grow on trees(i still think this is horse crap)
oh also chapter three; how to keep your job, how to stay ontop of your bills, how to enjoy a sunday, how to take care of yourself, how to relax, how to love; with all of it... how to not be an arsehole, how to be the best mother... i think there is a sudoku in there somewhere, to break up the common bullshit.

we add drama for spice, we lack humour because laughing is a weakness.
i'm half asleep blogging and trying not to re read back and forth messages.

when i'm on skates, i'm fine. but i don't like being the one people recognize it's not a bad thing. a wallflower, you're still there, you're still someone beautified and natural, you're just hung, usually with poise and grace and some kind of quiet self esteem, but you exist. that's the difference, i was a wall hanging, but i never existed. i wouldn't be able to tell you what the hook felt like in the nape of my neck. and i wouldn't be able to describe the sensation of being invisible.. because i was trapped in whatever wanted to eat me whole roasted and stuffed like a peppercorn. and that highway seemed much more tantalizing.

when i'm around my nephews i scream and play and act like an idiot.. i skip down the road. but most of the time, i assume as a 23 year old i should act a certain way.
never once has T not asked 'CAN WE GO TO POPPYS HOUSE' in the middle of the supermarket, how does a 3 year old act? like his parents?

the oddities of today has done my head in.
nothing could have prepared me for lashings such as these, and whatever it was, was beautiful and genuine and real. And i am thankful for getting out of bed this morning.. whatever made me do it, and i know you were there again... darker mornings, later nights.. i don't know what led me to this, or how this even happened.

But it's out there now, in the cyber world. all textical and surreal.
Like the man in the mop hair once said; surreal but nice.

thank you, i looked back, and nothing .. NOTHING looked appetizing..if anything i smiled, i wanted to move the other way. And fuck it, it's all happening.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

All because of Gold..

You follow instinct.
You take a shower after training because your whole body is screaming and your face is glowing. You go to bed and think 'this is pretty normal'.
You wake up 9 hours later famished, you reach for home made granola and a cup of greek yogurt with craisins.. setting you back 600kcal at least. You feel full and bad, not good, not content, you feel bad. You don't want to go for a walk because you have training tonight and want to give 29340213 percent. So you make some sugar skulls. Your sister wants you to tag along for a drive out to see brother at his work and buy some kitty food... she goes into the petrol station and comes out with a magnum gold;
;but i have lunch waiting at home.
;i've always eaten more than you today honey.
;i don't feel like this.
;don't look at wrapping oh wait you already know it off by heart hai 25g of fat in 370cal form.

But you smile, you eat, you enjoy, but you feel bad.
You feel badder than bad.
"Okay so this can be my lunch.. maybe a pear later.. dinner then training.. maybe a walk"

With schooling, life and drama on my mind.. these thoughts are background music.
But for now, i am stuck in this "No everybody thinks you look good now, you don't want/need to gain more".
My S told me, "Those voices, are bad. Fuck those voices".

So i'm having a bad day...

Sure, it's good to be positive and happy, but there are going to be "those days." Everyone is going to have a bad day or two, every once in a while. Nobody likes to have bad days, but still, you're going to have them. I think allowing yourself to feel what you feel, and have a bad day every now and then is good, but there are ways to definitely make a bad day worse. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, but don't wallow in it. If you're feeling depressed, let yourself cry. Let yourself frown- but don't dwell on it. If you feel your mood turning more positive- go with it! If you feel yourself becoming angry- go with it! Go with what you are feeling. Make sure not to take it out on other people. I have to watch out on this one. At school, if I'm having a bad day, I tend to isolate, which is a passive way of taking it out on my friends. Instead, I could just be assertive and say that my day isn't going well. I do think it is good to express to others that your day isn't going well, because then they are more aware of how to treat you, without potentially upsetting you. Plus, they may be a good person to talk too, if you are both willing. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel. I know, I tend to bottle up, which doesn't work- eventually I explode on other people, which really damages relationships. Bottling up the bad days isn't the way to go. Talk to someone. It may be hard to be open, trust me, I know how hard it is to be open; but it really helps. Bad days are okay, remember that. If today is going to be a bad day, then you know what- that's okay! Go with the flow, and feel what you feel- even its not the best emotion in the world.

Spectacles, testicals, wallet and watch..

I'll begin the long time break by saying; WELL ISN'T IT JUST!

Breakfast done, face on, sitting here in a dressing gown wondering what it is exactly i can do to get that feeling back. The feeling of productivity, appreciation for the day and a little bit of self-happy.
Come 6th of June i'll be taking place in my very first bout.. Sure it took a year to get me to a place and weight that i could get smashed around without breaking. But that year has been the most amazing, strange, beautiful year to date.
Kinships, Family, Love, Crushes, PT Work, New hobbies, Dancing, Skating, Skating, Skating, Laughing, Delicious Eats, Pretty faces, adventures abroad, adventures indoors.

I'll be wearing the Blue & Black uniform of the Psychotics who will be smashing bits with The Beautiful broads of the Ballarat Rat Pack. Can't wait. Especially considering how one person doesn't think i can do it; sure they don't know much. But i trust what they do, and for him(yeah, i'm talking about you) to think i can't do it... well son, just makes me wanna push harder. Skater faster, Hit snugglier, and flip you off as i go by.

Harley is now fashioning a Zebra print collar with bell. One too many feathers at the front door.

What else? I'm stuck on the end of the diving board, ready for it. But not wearing my goggles. SO WAITA MINUTE!! I got this far, give me a breather... this is merely a talk from me to me. I'm never going to be good enough for ME. I hold self acceptance and self worth far too high for my own good. Having said that I tend to whisper the following words at least once a week "Come the end of the day, the people that matter are always going to be there at the end of the day.. whether you decide to take the plunge or not, to eat the slice of cake or not, to dance around in your knickers or not... same faces.. if they matter".

Two weeks till we fly across borders to beautiful Adelaide.. i hope my faux fur russian hat with the ear flaps comes before then! I read over my flight deets last night, and found out me and Genie have to be at the airport by 4.30AM on the friday morning.. we're a bit eager.

I'm thinking of having a bit of a sunday garage/market stall this Sunday at BVAC if anybody is interested.

Babe McManus is due in the next 20 days... so that sits all cozy between First Bout-Dads Birthday-Great Southern Slam.... couldn't have picked a more fun-filled week little peanut!!

This post is dedicated to a little bit of Scarlet; no proper reason. Just had her on my mind while i wrote this.

Too much Homemade Granola & Yogurt for breakfast... i is feeling fullz.
Oh i also NSO'd the Dead Ringer Rosies VS. Dolls Au Go Go...
If i could just do derby everyday, fulltime, fullweek, till death.. i'd be pretty stoked.

I don't deal well with boredom.
An lately, hello boredom.
Wouldn't even care if it was office work 8-6.. just something!!

Stacks Off.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

is going to university. .

i decided this morning, at about 3.20AM

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Good and Gooder

1. Enjoy a sunset
2. Walk barefoot in the grass
3. Dance in the rain
4. Enjoy the feeling and smell of clean sheets
5. Smile at a stranger
6. Have a killer cup of coffee
7. Splurge on your favorite wine
8. Crack a cold beer on a hot day
9. Listen to your favorite music
10. Play with your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews
11. Indulge in your favorite chocolate cookies
12. Dance like nobody’s watching
13. Go for a drive to nowhere in particular
14. Write in a new notebook
15. Bake some bread from scratch
16. Get all dressed up for a dinner at home
17. Watch a movie while eating fresh popped popcorn
18. Soak in a hot bath
19. Bake chocolate chip cookies to share
20. Play fetch with your dog
21. Pull your kids in a wagon
22. Organize a picnic
23. Feel the wind blow through your hair
24. Enjoy a grilled cheese sandwich with chocolate milk
25. Relax at home after a tough day
26. Have a few sticks of licorice
27. Get a massage
28. Have your nails done
29. Splash around in a pool
30. Blow bubbles and run around popping them
31. Make a snow man
32. Laugh uncontrollably at something that’s not that funny
33. Take 10 minutes and flip through the latest edition of your favorite magazine
34. Make snow angels
35. Get buried in the sand at the beach
36. Take a nap in the afternoon sun
37. Wake early and enjoy the quiet
38. Watch the sunrise
39. Eat french bread dipped in a mixture of olive oil and balsamic vinegar
40. Use an electric blanket on a cool night
41. Enjoy hot tea with lemon and honey when you’re sick
42. Enjoy chicken cordon bleu (one of my favorites!)
43. Warm your feet by a fire waterfall
44. Read your favorite book
45. Smell the fresh rain
46. Canoe around a lake at sunset
47. Reminisce about years gone by it’s great to see how far you’ve come
48. Get your kids to nap at the same time :)
49. Listen to the sound of a waterfall
50. Wear a pair of soft fuzzy slippers

Friday, May 14, 2010

Oh o Spaghetti o

I guess there is still some real work to be done, i finally found words to put behind some of my feelings lately..

I'll be sitting there enjoying a meal yada yad.. and it's delicious yay i'm feeling satisfied with taste... but there is this overwhelming sensation that i MUST finish what is infront of me.. whether it's a conditioning type treatment from when i was in hospital or because like i think the real reason is.. i am so scared of "Starving" again.. it's a fear... a fear of not being able to trust myself..