Saturday, May 29, 2010

Am i suspended in gaffa...

So i'm not black and white.. Really?
But here comes the rain, so i'm going to call it a night. And by that i mean take off my hat and undo my bra. Not necessarily take it off anytime soon. But the preperation is there, i am dedicated and now planted the seed of not leaving the house.

And coming from the most indecisive thing on two legs; i drive a hard bargain.

I miss whatever it is i was feeling this time last night. There was peace and complete contentment wrapped up in all things wonderful.
This lack of control, has been exactly what i needed for now. Becoming more forward in my future, realizing that there is something else out there and maybe even acknowledging myself as more than a wall flower.

But i don't wanna be that thing again.
I almost packed up and moved to Sydney to play this role, and i jam fancy roles so why on earth would i put myself back in this situation. Because i haven't felt like this for so long. It is over whelming and charming and very very beautiful to look at.

But close up; there is this whole ugly back catalogue of other peoples emotions at hand. I don't do things by halves. I go right in there, fuck it up and then run away when shit doth hiteth the fan.

But i am skating my first bout in a weeks time, and this is not the time to lose heart over a boy. There i said it, a boy has somehow made me look twice. Somehow kept me up for 3 days straight.. and all i recall is his eyes, his music and dude he thought i was beautiful. Me? My best friend told me i "repelled" men since i became ill. Okay that was some kaygees ago but this man, this whole situation is amazing. And i want it.
I want to be a part of it, and having said that. I will do whatever i can to get what i want. Because i give up on these things, and i could easily wake up tomorrow and crawl straight back into my 8-11-130-4-630-9 regime.. i could and i probably would. But he makes me not want to. Not even a week and he makes me question everything i have ever believed in.

*slams face into table*
knitting and a cup of tea; fuck reality tonight.

I'm not doing the back seat, sydney, other girl call.
Sorry, it really doesn't suit me.

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