Says the girl with the Crimson locks.

Sometimes i wish this brain didn't use patterns.
But, in the same case. Without this brain i'd forget alot of cool shit.

Feels like i've been bashed in the head a thousand times. So short and sweet it is.
You choose the right pizza, you always make me laugh with your weird santa beard stories and you know how to dance.

All in all, you rule.
Bruised up and plump from Derby and an ice cream.
Nom & Nom.

Stack
X

Fifty Eight

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

will explain later.
ALL I CAN SAY NOW IS.
READ ALL THE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE 100% SURE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK

no. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

What i want. When i want.

Step 1. In progress...
You'll all catch on soon enough.

You are the only person in charge of your actions, feelings and behavior.

Woke up bright and early, i love the sound of morning pigeons. Have really not been feeling hungry, just eating mechanically. And quite a lot according to the scales yesterday. I'm not taking the suppliments but i am definately heading in a wonderful new direction. Freshly plunged Brazilian coffee beans and the smell of my new strawberry shrub sprouting some little retarded knobbly berries. Sunshine and a read of the paper on the grass with my dog.. all at sunrise mind you. Fixed myself up the last bowl of Bam-Cereal and Honey Yogurt with Bloobs. And some crosswords. Hey, i'm a nerd.

i don't know where the decision came from, but there is no going back now.
Had my second little outting with Jessica today, we drank extra large pink milkshakes(took me about 20 minutes to decided STRAWBERRY VANILLA OR MOCHA!? WHEN IN DOUBT ...PINK!) Did you know i can't tolerate Milk? No? Me either oh my god we should be best friends.

But really, it has been giving me hell since midday. We got the times muddled up but having said that i got to see my favourite and then see a movie that i wasn't expecting to love and made some brash decisions without second doubting myself.

Bran Nue Dae, a stage show brought to the big screen. All about an aborigine boy trying to find his way home after shunning the Father of his Boarding school for stealing Cherry Ripes and Coca Colas. Well, if you're gonna piss off the big guy.. may as well do it in style! Brilliant line up, cheesey songs and so many 'woah, um.. can they.. uhh get away with saying that?!" Really enjoyed it.
Met up with Mama afterwards and took her out to Panache for Lunch.

Got on with the rest of my hoarding for the big-thing tonight and then came home for a catch up on the computer. And got to see Tessa.. and kindly slapped her with a little sachet of Horse Placenta.... you can have fun with whatever just popped into your little heads right then. But i speak no word of a lie!

Woo.. time for Step 2!

x

Block. Jam. Assist. Bruise.

I'm sitting on a donut pillow.
So, one things for sure. Derby training was awesome tonight. It's strange, after going through my old journals of how i use to see my friends. How i use to see this on boy, and now i see him as a man with a whistle and a big man-voice. It's daunting and terribly exciting.

I ate too much ice cream, mushed nutella and peanut butter into it. There was about half a cup left so i ate that too... no point leaving it. You know why i did this? Because on the way home from training i was so nippish (and knew after a hard work out... and a black tailbone to follow) i needed to eat back everything i burned. My body is still at such a low weight that it is crucial i gain more as to not stay in the Anorexia frame of mind. I'm sick of thinking about it, so i can only cringe at how whoever reads this must roll the eyes at another day another dime'a dozen. I can't help it. This is my Kitty Litter.. if you don't like it, use the garden.

But either way, i went soldiering in to Coles to get some ice cream to take home and stood there.. reading nutritional panels, comparing... then ummed over Neopolitan(BUT THAT DOESN'T COME LOW FAT!), Caramel/Choc/Vanilla swirl? Ohh a fancy one? Like the Coffee Indulgence? The fear isn't in the bowl. The fear is in the decision making. (oh by the way i walked out with nothing.. then passed safeway and tried again... 15 minutes and i walked out with blueberries.) I did end up having the left over of whatever we had.. but point being.. i had to have it then, because anorexia was telling me no.. "nah, you don't NEED it"... then i saw a picture of (insert drop-a-derby-name here) on the fridge door and JUST FUCKING DID IT.

Plus, Stack needs it. Stack needs to be reminded. But doesn't like asking to be reminded. This is a weakness.

I felt so good at training tonight, my fitness is up.. as this past week has been so sludge for me due to the cramps and the backed up to hell feeling. But i skated it out. And it was devine. My butt will handle it. Pad-Up Stack.

I had my weigh in today, it's an up.
I asked about my cramps. "Your body will start working again, when you start rebuilding again.. not when you're at a healthy weight forget whoever told you that".

We anorexics remember everything. EVERYTHING.
And i also get bitterly mad when women, girls, men, boys, mention going on diets. These crash diets kill. Fuck. Fucking. Fuck.
Handed in my resume at Le Body Shoppe today!! So excited!! My two favourite things. Feeling good and pretty smells.

Second day of Respite tomorrow.
Going to see Brand Nue Day and then whatever else takes place tomorrow.. baby skulls and what not.

Block. Jam. Assist.
Stack X

AT 11.58....

I opted for the Vanilla smashed with Nutella concoction for a pre-bed meal.
I believe this was the best choice i could have made, because i was talking myself out of it for longer than it took me to serve it. SNACK KAT NOM.
I am feeling mega clucky today, just went across the road to see my beautiful, glowing, mama-of-the-century award winning sister. Who let me rub the belly!
O tummy, i'm sorry.. i thought you were ready to handle that. No, no.. hush now.

Today was jolly good, rip snorting and all things two-worded. Wonderfully inspiring, deliciously compelling and all in all Stack & Jail did good.
To market, to market to wander childhoods, our parents childhoods, our parents' parents' childhoods and all the mushy stuff in between.

Japanese banqueted for lunch, and packed our swag for the beautiful building of 21030192309182031 memories. You can't sum this place up in a word, a sentence.. in a five thousand word essay. I learn more about Mister JS everytime i spend time with him. Quite lucky to have somebody like that in my life, actually after yesterdays edition of "nobody, not even HE understands". I don't ever want to set anything up for a fall. I used this theory before i got ill and i will not let it interfere with any of my life from here on in. Take things as they come and hope for the best.

So if i continue to write i won't think about the things i have consumed today and therefor won't kick myself when i think about the little to no movement i did. I walked to the shop to get a paper this morning. Turns out i LOVE mornings, i will love them more when i have things to fill my day with.. come to think of it.. i've had two years of "holiday-time". To the outside eye, this has been my prison.. my little dungeon. I've had to fight the ugliest demons in here. From doing laps of the hallways and the backyard to flying up and down the stairs like a freak just to get my heartrate up. You "JUST HAVE" too. No explanation. If you don't, FAIL. Epic-ally.

I remember one time i was in such a daze i woke up doing stomach crunches IN BED.. ASLEEP, this happened a few times in hospital too. Night nurses woke me up doing checks. I got completely dressed, volleys, shorts and hoodie and went for a half asleep run down the railtrail.. when i got back it had just gone 4.30AM. I didn't know when to stop. Or how.
Anorexia steal more than your body, your mind. It thieves your honesty, your love.. it rapes you for all you're worth. And then reminds me how unworthy you are. Of any of it back.

And this is me looking back, and now i rub my full VERY full belly.. sure not the healthiest day of eats but i watch what i eat.. a melting moment and a pretty big helping of ice cream with nutella and a kiev with some potato salad.. a chai latte... see.. it's not normal to remember what you've eaten throughout the span of a day. But the way my head is wired, i work in twenty four hour blocks. No No head.. I had a wonderful day yet again.. and there is more to come.. the fact i can see greener pastures is enough for me to go to sleep with a smile on my chinnigan.
But i'm fighting again, i don't want any of you to see it.. But i'm winning too.


It is my purpose in life to smash down these blocks and return to some mid way Stack Vs. Danger.. Lauren Jennifer McManus.

I can't wait to meet my niece.

Weigh in tomorrow(she says quietly as her inner monologue slaps her cheekies, will you freak if the numbers go up? ...is 58 really what you think it means? FUCKING 58 IT'S 11.58 RIGHT FUCKING NOW!).. too much... sorry i've gotta go. and then handing in some resumes!! One at the Body Shoppe! I am so very excited and nervous and eeeeeee.. Which means early rise. O and ending it with Derby!



Stack Out
X

What kind of bees make milk?

My little sister rules.
Today was quite amazing.
I'm re-learning.
First day jitters.
Job Hunting.
Stack-Snacking.
Upset Bellybites.
Genuine Care.
For the love of novelty pens!

So, first day of ED Day Program is complete. You think of all the outcomes, possibilities and what the day will (WILL!) entail before even entering the room. But by the time you're in the room, you're on your own there pal! I was expecting a classroom set up, whiteboard, nervous eyes and play lunch comparisons.
Well the comparisons were there.

We get a weekly task to complete;
she brought this technique from the Butterfly Foundation which she worked with for many years. She's absolutely lovely, great to talk to and really knows what she's on about.
I'm glad she doesn't beat around the bush, i've done that for two years. So, it's a slap in the face.
My goals are pretty bizarre, and kind of exciting. But i will tell the ones that are involved(oh yeah, this is audience participation.) what they need to do, when the time comes (that's lookin' at you J!)

I have things to practice this week. Practice, no HAVE/MUST achieves, no pressure and NO blame.
Knuckling down to one hard ball; there is a definate line between my eating disorder and the struggle for me to become an adult. Not the house, the car, the insurence and the white picket fence(though i can totally imagine me with the white picket fence.) But the drawing myself back into my childlike state, the no boobs, the taken care of, the no responsibility, the lack of *hurm* womanhood.

What makes me so afraid to grow up?
What kind of things can i do, baby steps.. to help me move on with my life?
I think i am finally in the right state of mind, and place to begin to actually work on these questions.
And not worry, if it IS easier to box it all up and shove it to the side "get on with things, that's what you're MEANT to do" Yes, well i tried that, and i am still sitting at square two on my recovery chart. So baby steps ahoy!

This is a wonderful learning curve, and one that i can always work and play with.

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
Life is meant to be fiddled with.




Oh and Tessa got in contact with some friends and has been getting my foot in the door with some work, Tessa Bessa Bo Bessa Banana Bana Bo Bessa Fee Fi Fo Fessa Tessa <3
Stack
X

..wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair..

Australia Day; or as i like to think of it, just another excuse for everybody to get drunk and eat lots of animal.

Mum and Dad were both born in the UK. But Dad recently gained his Australian Citizenship. Hoora! So every year they go all out. Those tiny toothpicks of blue red and white(which as far as i'm concerned is as american as you can get.) Flags on balcony, flags on beer cups, flags in the garden, flags stuck in holes on the washing line.

I wasn't too fussed about today, was looking forward to catching up with some extended family around a table in the beautiful sunshine. Sure, there was going to be some kind of stress factor for the folks. Will people come, will there be enough food, how does my hair look? I love you mum, it's adorable because we always have to "Schoozsh" up the back of her hair where she can't see it.

People started rocking up just after twelve and things started sizzling.
I got to spend most the time chatting with my nephews. They tend to keep to themselves alot. I wish i understood what that kind of communion felt like. They are so en-wrapped in each others love and lives that it's quite hard to sometimes get in. Me and my brother use to be extremly close. He was my best friend. I got sick, and he didn't understand. That's not the problem. I try very hard to try and 'prove' myself to him. To alot of people.. (vicious cycle round VI. DING DING DING). But either way, i doubt things will ever be the same, but i can honestly say i have done everything in my power to try and save whatever relationship there was left. Yes i didn't go back to Hospital when Mum and Dad went overseas. And you know what? I'm better for it. I had a lot of growing up to do, and as i posted last night.. it's there where i found my place, i know what needs to be done. Sucks, bigtime. I miss him so much.

And why do i find myself posting this blog? What gives people the right to say things like "Heffing up there aren't you Lauren!?" Really? You thought out of all the words in the English Language that, THAT was the best thing to say to someone recovering from Anorexia? Once, Twice, Eighteenth time.. Nothing broke my back, but i was exhausted afterwards. Because i had to literally stand there and take in these strange comments of ..well they were good intentions. I think some of them were even compliments. But 'heffing up'?

When does that mindset change? When a compliment is taken with a genuine smile?
On one side of the garden it was "We want to see you meat up, Lauren we care"
To the other "Oh WOW look at he size of your legs now! What? You're STILL gaining?"

And i am feeling quite ill, could have been the Chocolate Ripple Cake X2.. or the Chocolate Bavarian Cake.... I pulled a Smorgys and saved room for Desserts.. i clearly did not save enough. But honestly, i usually hate being in those situations. The kind where i am in control. Strange ordeal, considering i gained this disease through over-controlling. Now i hate when i have to pick and choose because i don't know what a normal portion of anything is. So i flip out a little bit and just end up having too many ciders(oh yeah, maybe it's the ciders fault for poor belly?) But i had bits and peices of everyones.. and this killer Feta/Cottage Cheese/Olive/Pesto dip with turkish bread lathered in Sweet Chilli.. I love you Aunty Carol. Too much food talk.

So wonderful weather, good food, nice smile. Everybody seemed to have a wonderful time.
I'm already wrapped up in the leopard gown ready to jump in the shower (i've had a bath already) before bed.
First day of the Eating Disorders Day Program at the C.
We have to pack our own lunch, i think i'll make mine Fairy Bread. I remember always being SO excited in school if i knew i had a Sprinkle Sandwich for lunch that day. I even remember being upset because i THOUGHT i did but mum forgot to pack it.....I was in Grade Six. UNWRUCKY!

This is like going back to school. But really, not looking forward to having to deal with glares and stares from a whole lot more ED-eyes .. will i have enough, will i be judged.. i don't like what they are doing here. No, Nelly


Heat pack here i come.


8.48PM and looking forward to a sprinkle sandwich(on white.. as Hamish Blake insists.. FAIRY BREAD ON MULTIGRAIN SHOULD BE CALLED TROLL BREAD.. IT'S THE EPITOME OF BAD PARENTING.)

First Tuesday without Derby. Does. Not. Like.

Night.
Stack X

PINK AND BOWS AND FRILLY SOCKS!

My darlinghearts.. Christian, Bronwyn, Gabriel and Trey...

CONGRATULATIONS!! They found out they're finally getting their little girl!!

I'M GOING TO HAVE A NEICE!

Another McManus girl! And i am the happiest Stack in the world right now.

Healthy, big... Thunder Thighs.. A DERBY GIRL IN THE WOMB!!

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh O Spaghetti-O!

We all know it, i just posted a mega whole lot of pod shit on my facebook notes and somehow the window was no longer open. Nor saved for that matter, thanks technology.

I have been the most painful of arses lately. I know it, i thought it was a day thing.. a week.. NO it is a week thing. My voice isn't as loud as it has been these past few months but i am definately starting to decipher the narky badgirl from the absolutely stupid half wit eighter. You're annoying, young lady. Go to your room(you can't do no one no harm there.) Well you can, but duke will get his paws up for me. Hee-YA!

Wondering whether or not it is that certain somebody that has got my head spinning round, the same certain somebody that i am absolutley amazed can put up with my bullshit trollop whenever i go on my rants. For goddess sake, you are the real thing.
But i know that, and i thank you five thousand and a half times. Because you don't understand just what you mean to me. You give me confidence to face things i am not willing to conquer alone. And i don't let you know it all the time, but you somehow drag me out the other side without realizing it. But to the somebody else. I don't know how i keep hurting you. It's definately not a knee jerk reaction. Somebody boils toils and troubles and i have to lash out and attack. I have to prove myself on some kind of scale as to where and why and WHO i am, compared...

Easily influenced, stubborn as a mule.

I'm intimidated by the other side lately, it obviously goes to show that eating and food is merely the outlet to whatever it is i try to bargain with. Though i must admit my thing with the whole thinking too far ahead. Yeah, that's going out with the Recycle Bin tomorrow.. no with the Red Bin, i don't wanna be wiping my arse two years down the track and be reminded of the "But i can't have yogurt for breakfast.. WHAT IF I WANT A SMOOTHIE IN TOWN LATER!?".. Really, you're THAT bored. (It's not bordem, it's control.) And the only reason i have and or need that control? Is because everybody else is without it. And i'm trying to find my own way of living without it... by taking full control of it.

I have, on more than one occasion said "tomorrow i'm going to pretend i am the person i want to be" And the following day, proceed to live my day like my scu-wiff disease was merely a shaddow from five years ago kind of stuck to the wheel of my rollerskate. I will proceed to use this theory until i genuinely forget what it is to live life with a disease that rapes you for everything you are truley worthy of.

It's definately not the conversations or the schpeels(how do you take my crap guys, come on.. more calcium for stronger spine there, lady!) I can take it, i can take a shuttuppa-ya! every now and again. I reckon i could, sure i'd be stunned... Dad told me to grow up the other day and i lashed! For two days i bubbled and brewed thinking 'but how dare he'. Knowing full well my unrealisticly high-expectations that got me INTO this mess in the first place had completely taken full control of my REALISTIC/GENUINE caring nature and was heading straight for a cliff. He literally meant, grow... up.. Sometimes, alot of the time it AINT about you/me. And me, as i stand as the woman i am. Knows that, but for some reason(the truth, yes sometimes it does hurt.. But as the wise ol' baboon says.. you can either run from it or... you can learn from it..so what am i gonna do?) that negative mind set has been driving a really good bargain lately. And wimp that i am has fallen head over heels for it... but it's okay i ordered Pro Tec knee pads.. which will do me until i can get me some 187s. God damn not having a job/real income.

So rant up, after spending an hour even attempting to jot down the absolutely dribble that was washing around in my grey matter. I decided blog it out.. See what happens, and wave off the followers. I won't be taking photos of my meals. You'd all have heart attacks.. i'm not a vegetarian, i love meat. And if weight gain was the real problem then i'd be stacking away those Ensures like there was no tomorrow.. but i'm interested in real food, in dulling out the overwhelming sensation. And inner monologue. JD never thought this much. At least if i had a voice over like him i wouldn't get ansty about not being able to scribble this all down(because for some reason, i want to remember what it's like to be so messed up.. that eventually i wake up and smile back... and have the balls to chuck it in a flame'n fire and skate over the ashes.)

Eventually these posts will have some kind of ONE-TOPIC-ASSOCIATION. But for now, for the beginning.. you need to know the stone cold facts.

I'm not doing so good right now, the beauty of that is... i'm not ashamed to ask for help and also.. I know there is a better side to all this, it's mine for the taking. She's reared her brute strength and this is me getting ready to take her head on. This is going to be such a beautiful year.

Battered, Scattered and Suffice

I DID MY VERY FIRST SCRIMMAGE TONIGHT!!
I want to hug the hell out of everyone that came down and gave me tips, hips and a mighty big boob graze.
Bella, Michellica, Rosa, Surreal Killer, Spot'er and Candy. It was so great. I didn't think, just dove straight in. I kind of asked for it, but i was tagged Captain of the whites and finally took some god damn initiative. It sounds so easy, to control your own head. We constantly give in, letting ourselves feel like we are controlled by this 'thing' this higher power. Crock of Shit.. Really. Shut up.
So i did my first low contact full co-ed scrimmage. And i am on cloud fifty eight right now. I'm not planning on coming down a while, so will keep you all posted with how my body is going to thank me in the morning. With black and purple kissy marks!

On rising this morning, i noticed old bad habits. Lying in bed twirling my hair procr-ass-tinating. About nonsense, of course. What i was going to do that day, how derby was going to turn out. SNAP, i jumped out of bed and started hippi-hippi-shaking around my bedroom and had a wash before breakfast. Weekends are usually Eggy. Googy Eggs and Soldiers. Always opt for protein. No matter when, this is a good part of my Disorder. So i made Sunny Side Ups on Toast with a big glass of juice. Turns out the less preempting i do, the less stress.. the less regret. I never drink my calories .. and when i do i fucking enjoy them.. Milkshakes, Supashakes, Good coffee, Cider or Lemon Lime and Bitters. But apart from that, my body does not like much but water. Fuck, see.. the tangents.. the food sch peel. My brain has been so conditioned, this is me unconditioning it... I need to do this, like weening myself of a drug... But i am not gaining fast enough. Sure it's not about the gain, but my body is still so underweight that all my brain thinks is food-food-food-food.. it's that obsessive nature. This blog will not be soley on my process through recovery. But mainly images, shit that makes me giggle and lots of FML's. Anything to keep me away from whatever it is i'm so afraid of confronting(and i will find you, bastard.)

Yes, yes point. I spend too much time in my head. TOUCHE' I spend too much time thinking, and not enough doing. When i am busy, when i am not in control. I can handle it. I'm using techniques. Whether it be making up my mind in seven inhalations or getting outside in the morning air just to hear the morning pigeons. Getting out of routine, for once in my life. There will always be good days and bad days. There will always be fools that can't hold their tongue. But there will always be Stack to fight back, i spent most of my life listening to that, taking on that bullshit. And spent even longer talking about everyhting i was EVENTUALLY going to do... shoulda-coulda-woulda.
Well i am, i'm doing it, it's done. I love this.

If everyday was derby, i'd eat like a queen.

I use to be good at dancing, i knew dancing..
I use to be good at being in love, and i wanted everybody to feel the intensity of the love i felt..
Anorexia was a hobby, it was an obsession. And it tricks you, i was brilliant at it.
Now i want to be derby, i want to live it, do it, smell it, i will know derby. . Oh yes, she will be mine.
Something as small as the flit of a butterflies wings...


Time for rest and recuperation

On your bike,
Stack
X

and atom!!

I will ref a Bout
I will go to Sydney
I will get a tattoo
I will welcome a new Bern
I will venture outwards
I will join two groups
I will dye my hair
I will do more volunteer work
I will find Part Time/Full Time work doing something i ENJOY
I will get bar work
I will save some paper and shrapnel
I will complete two short courses
I will apply for 2011 University
I will go to the Dinosaur Museum
I will fall in love again and again and again
I will walk the Otway fly
I will go camping
I will celebrate my best friends 21st
I will get ready for the big migration outta mama hens
I will make time to be bored
I will read five books that i've always wanted to
I will go to the movies alone
I will learn how to make REAL coffee
I will find duke a best friend
I will volunteer at the School
I will get my motorbike licence
I will get my fishing licence
I will learn to play piano/pianee!
I will learn my nephews favourite colours/songs/teddys?
I will get a massage table and DO what i am qualified for!
I will start my own business
I will be happy
I will wake up early
I will meet strangers
I will do my VSDMA Teaching

Will you call my name?

Dad must have closed down my window before as i was scribbling down(which in twenty ten terms means tip-tapperooni away on the ol' keyboard) my list of things.

Just rolled on in from such a ... pleasent evening.
Words that come to mind are ; succulent, empowering, strange and frequent.
J has been acting a bit distant lately, since the Luau, really. We got to talking.. and as is the usual Stack & J way, we needed that Polar Bear and he didn't let us down.
Full Circle, from Drug-Cup-Cakes, Dosed Daqueries to Fifty Eight in all it's wonder and Kite-Fails.

And we still somehow managed, somewhere along the way to fit in what could have been the shortest outdoor Gaol Skate that we have ever done.
Truth be told, i have been a selfish sunken mess these past few weeks. Not knowing what's coming or going. Really not caring, and lately it has only been the current meal and or one liner that has got me through the day.
One of the major components of my Therapy with S was that i had to learn to be more realistic. Learning to live with a disease that was self induced, but being able to manage the way i managed.. without using my usual coping mechanisms(which, let's face it.. were out to kill me from day one.) It wasn't until i opened up to J tonight that i realized i have fallen back on some very dangerous patterns, holding the people i care most about too high, then watching them fall/fail and vanish before my very eyes. Because that's what i wanted.

(inserts cuppa break at 12.42AM)

Oh-O! Stack went searching for a Green Tea and Vanilla teabag.. WOOPSY.
Fuck it, if i'm going to smash something may as well do it while nobody else is home, past midnight and not be wearing slippers.

So I'm told i spend too much time in my head. You know when you spot a Red car, you call it a red car and then your friend says "I'd say it's more a blood orange.." .. You will look for the blood orange.. It's an unintentional change of thought pattern caused by outsiders influence/impression...
Well of course this leads me back in the same cycle of thinking too much about.. thinking too much.

So, bottom line. I expressed my concern of constant-food-meal-thought to J. I think he got it, i think for once i didn't feel completely insane because he took the time to try and understand. This is a very rare and very beautiful thing that J just happens to have so naturally about him. He wants to understand. And for an 18 year old, he sure does spend as much time in that head as i do.

It's been a year since i started my first blog while i was an In Patient at the ED ward. Technically i am swaggering about the same weight bench mark, knowing full well i have a helluva hike to go.. But i salute my past and skip along my merry little way tra-la-la. Because I can honestly say i am so proud for what i have achieved, messed up and bruised these past twelve months. No time for shoulda, coulda, woulda's. They're an ugly roundabout for self pity and bad memoirs. We can all learn from our mistakes, we just tend to put them on the back burner. I turned my stove off, i had quite a nice array of things bubbling and brewing away back there.. We bring them to the surface, deal.. fight.. flight and move on.

Three days till we find out the sex of Peanut!!

Ni Ni
Stack X

Dreaming in Sepia

Lesson of the day:
When all else fails... turns it off.. and turn it on again.

Things that made me smile:
Apart from her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpldChvYY8A

& www.cuteoverload.com



majority of it.

There will be a day when it is back to some kind of normal, i don't want to know when that day is. The fact i can somehow see the horizon through all the muck of times, i am smiling even thinking how far i have come.
And i am thankful for so much, where would i be without my sister?
Bamalam & Fink taking me under their stinky derby wings...

Hell, i can't even imagine what the hell i'd be doing if i didn't have Roller Derby.

Ahh.. shower time for stack as i slap off the clothes and slink into boodwah

Nighty Gowning.
X

Yes ma'am..

Night Markets

Bats in the Fruit Trees
Robot Fan Voice

Pine Lime Cordial

Breathing into the belly

Thai Fish Curry

My best friends eyes

Moulding

Figuring

Scavanging the decks

Tidying, piling, ridding.

Reading 4.0

Listing

Not Listening

Tonight see's me amongst it, attempting to sort through my head.

Funny, huh? You are told that you 'spend too much time in your head' or 'think too much' and what automatically happens? You sure don't get OUT of your head, oh no. You delve deeper.. and question the question at hand with another thought, proloning the inevitable.. feeling like you're back at square one.

Like that tune my sister always has on her mixtapes. The "ol'" me is dead and gawn. Here stands somebody, anybody.. the person i am. The person i intend on being, and the one that i get to fall asleep with everynight.

It's fun being me. Isn't it fun being you? Thank you, T.

Come back when you're not feeling so.. muck.

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long time coming

Is back on board the blogging action, it took me a while to even conjure up some kind of title... i feel this one will do just nicely.

Hell, the crap you find on here may just surprise you (and myself.)

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