Saturday, January 23, 2010

Will you call my name?

Dad must have closed down my window before as i was scribbling down(which in twenty ten terms means tip-tapperooni away on the ol' keyboard) my list of things.

Just rolled on in from such a ... pleasent evening.
Words that come to mind are ; succulent, empowering, strange and frequent.
J has been acting a bit distant lately, since the Luau, really. We got to talking.. and as is the usual Stack & J way, we needed that Polar Bear and he didn't let us down.
Full Circle, from Drug-Cup-Cakes, Dosed Daqueries to Fifty Eight in all it's wonder and Kite-Fails.

And we still somehow managed, somewhere along the way to fit in what could have been the shortest outdoor Gaol Skate that we have ever done.
Truth be told, i have been a selfish sunken mess these past few weeks. Not knowing what's coming or going. Really not caring, and lately it has only been the current meal and or one liner that has got me through the day.
One of the major components of my Therapy with S was that i had to learn to be more realistic. Learning to live with a disease that was self induced, but being able to manage the way i managed.. without using my usual coping mechanisms(which, let's face it.. were out to kill me from day one.) It wasn't until i opened up to J tonight that i realized i have fallen back on some very dangerous patterns, holding the people i care most about too high, then watching them fall/fail and vanish before my very eyes. Because that's what i wanted.

(inserts cuppa break at 12.42AM)

Oh-O! Stack went searching for a Green Tea and Vanilla teabag.. WOOPSY.
Fuck it, if i'm going to smash something may as well do it while nobody else is home, past midnight and not be wearing slippers.

So I'm told i spend too much time in my head. You know when you spot a Red car, you call it a red car and then your friend says "I'd say it's more a blood orange.." .. You will look for the blood orange.. It's an unintentional change of thought pattern caused by outsiders influence/impression...
Well of course this leads me back in the same cycle of thinking too much about.. thinking too much.

So, bottom line. I expressed my concern of constant-food-meal-thought to J. I think he got it, i think for once i didn't feel completely insane because he took the time to try and understand. This is a very rare and very beautiful thing that J just happens to have so naturally about him. He wants to understand. And for an 18 year old, he sure does spend as much time in that head as i do.

It's been a year since i started my first blog while i was an In Patient at the ED ward. Technically i am swaggering about the same weight bench mark, knowing full well i have a helluva hike to go.. But i salute my past and skip along my merry little way tra-la-la. Because I can honestly say i am so proud for what i have achieved, messed up and bruised these past twelve months. No time for shoulda, coulda, woulda's. They're an ugly roundabout for self pity and bad memoirs. We can all learn from our mistakes, we just tend to put them on the back burner. I turned my stove off, i had quite a nice array of things bubbling and brewing away back there.. We bring them to the surface, deal.. fight.. flight and move on.

Three days till we find out the sex of Peanut!!

Ni Ni
Stack X

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