Tuesday, January 26, 2010

..wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair..

Australia Day; or as i like to think of it, just another excuse for everybody to get drunk and eat lots of animal.

Mum and Dad were both born in the UK. But Dad recently gained his Australian Citizenship. Hoora! So every year they go all out. Those tiny toothpicks of blue red and white(which as far as i'm concerned is as american as you can get.) Flags on balcony, flags on beer cups, flags in the garden, flags stuck in holes on the washing line.

I wasn't too fussed about today, was looking forward to catching up with some extended family around a table in the beautiful sunshine. Sure, there was going to be some kind of stress factor for the folks. Will people come, will there be enough food, how does my hair look? I love you mum, it's adorable because we always have to "Schoozsh" up the back of her hair where she can't see it.

People started rocking up just after twelve and things started sizzling.
I got to spend most the time chatting with my nephews. They tend to keep to themselves alot. I wish i understood what that kind of communion felt like. They are so en-wrapped in each others love and lives that it's quite hard to sometimes get in. Me and my brother use to be extremly close. He was my best friend. I got sick, and he didn't understand. That's not the problem. I tr
y very hard to try and 'prove' myself to him. To alot of people.. (vicious cycle round VI. DING DING DING). But either way, i doubt things will ever be the same, but i can honestly say i have done everything in my power to try and save whatever relationship there was left. Yes i didn't go back to Hospital when Mum and Dad went overseas. And you know what? I'm better for it. I had a lot of growing up to do, and as i posted last night.. it's there where i found my place, i know what needs to be done. Sucks, bigtime. I miss him so much.

And why do i find myself posting this blog? What gives people the right to say things like "Heffing up there aren't you Lauren!?" Really? You thought out of all the words in the English Language that, THAT was the best thing to say to someone recovering from Anorexia? Once, Twice, Eighteenth time.. Nothing broke my back, but i was exhausted afterwards. Because i had to literally st
and there and take in these strange comments of ..well they were good intentions. I think some of them were even compliments. But 'heffing up'?

When does that mindset change? When a compliment is taken with a genuine smile?
On one side of the garden it was "We want to see you meat up, Lauren we care"
To the other "Oh WOW look at he size of your legs now! What? You're STILL gaining?"

And i am feeling quite ill, could have been the Chocolate Ripple Cake X2.. or the Chocolate Bavarian Cake.... I pulled a Smorgys and saved room for Desserts.. i clearly did not save enough. But honestly, i usually hate being in those situations. The kind where i am in control. Strange ordeal, considering i gained this disease through over-controlling. Now i hate when i have to pick and choose because i don't know what a normal portion of anything is. So i flip out a little bit and just end up having too many ciders(oh yeah, maybe it's the ciders fault for poor belly?) But i had bits and peices of everyones.. and this killer Feta/Cottage Cheese/Olive/Pesto dip with turkish bread lathered in Sweet Chilli.. I love you Aunty Carol. Too much food talk.

So wonderful weather, good food, nice smile. Everybody seemed to have a wonderful time.
I'm already wrapped up in the leopard gown ready to jump in the shower (i've had a bath already) before bed.
First day of the Eating Disorders Day Program at the C.
We have to pack our own lunch, i think i'll make mine Fairy Bread. I remember always being SO excited in school if i knew i had a Sprinkle Sandwich for lunch that day. I even remember being upset because i THOUGHT i did but mum forgot to pack it.....I was in Grade

This is like going back to school. But really, not looking forward to having to deal with glares and stares from a whole lot more ED-eyes .. will i have enough, will i be judged.. i don't like what they are doing here. No, Nelly

Heat pack here i come.

8.48PM and looking forward to a sprinkle sandwich(on white.. as Hamish Blake insists.. FAIRY BREAD ON MULTIGRAIN SHOULD BE CALLED TROLL BREAD.. IT'S THE EPITOME OF BAD PARENTING.)

First Tuesday without Derby. Does. Not. Like.

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