Thursday, January 28, 2010

AT 11.58....

I opted for the Vanilla smashed with Nutella concoction for a pre-bed meal.
I believe this was the best choice i could have made, because i was talking myself out of it for longer than it took me to serve it. SNACK KAT NOM.
I am feeling mega clucky today, just went across the road to see my beautiful, glowing, mama-of-the-century award winning sister. Who let me rub the belly!
O tummy, i'm sorry.. i thought you were ready to handle that. No, no.. hush now.

Today was jolly good, rip snorting and all things two-worded. Wonderfully inspiring, deliciously compelling and all in all Stack & Jail did good.
To market, to market to wander childhoods, our parents childhoods, our parents' parents' childhoods and all the mushy stuff in between.

Japanese banqueted for lunch, and packed our swag for the beautiful building of 21030192309182031 memories. You can't sum this place up in a word, a sentence.. in a five thousand word essay. I learn more about Mister JS everytime i spend time with him. Quite lucky to have somebody like that in my life, actually after yesterdays edition of "nobody, not even HE understands". I don't ever want to set anything up for a fall. I used this theory before i got ill and i will not let it interfere with any of my life from here on in. Take things as they come and hope for the best.

So if i continue to write i won't think about the things i have consumed today and therefor won't kick myself when i think about the little to no movement i did. I walked to the shop to get a paper this morning. Turns out i LOVE mornings, i will love them more when i have things to fill my day with.. come to think of it.. i've had two years of "holiday-time". To the outside eye, this has been my prison.. my little dungeon. I've had to fight the ugliest demons in here. From doing laps of the hallways and the backyard to flying up and down the stairs like a freak just to get my heartrate up. You "JUST HAVE" too. No explanation. If you don't, FAIL. Epic-ally.

I remember one time i was in such a daze i woke up doing stomach crunches IN BED.. ASLEEP, this happened a few times in hospital too. Night nurses woke me up doing checks. I got completely dressed, volleys, shorts and hoodie and went for a half asleep run down the railtrail.. when i got back it had just gone 4.30AM. I didn't know when to stop. Or how.
Anorexia steal more than your body, your mind. It thieves your honesty, your love.. it rapes you for all you're worth. And then reminds me how unworthy you are. Of any of it back.

And this is me looking back, and now i rub my full VERY full belly.. sure not the healthiest day of eats but i watch what i eat.. a melting moment and a pretty big helping of ice cream with nutella and a kiev with some potato salad.. a chai latte... see.. it's not normal to remember what you've eaten throughout the span of a day. But the way my head is wired, i work in twenty four hour blocks. No No head.. I had a wonderful day yet again.. and there is more to come.. the fact i can see greener pastures is enough for me to go to sleep with a smile on my chinnigan.
But i'm fighting again, i don't want any of you to see it.. But i'm winning too.

It is my purpose in life to smash down these blocks and return to some mid way Stack Vs. Danger.. Lauren Jennifer McManus.

I can't wait to meet my niece.

Weigh in tomorrow(she says quietly as her inner monologue slaps her cheekies, will you freak if the numbers go up? 58 really what you think it means? FUCKING 58 IT'S 11.58 RIGHT FUCKING NOW!).. too much... sorry i've gotta go. and then handing in some resumes!! One at the Body Shoppe! I am so very excited and nervous and eeeeeee.. Which means early rise. O and ending it with Derby!

Stack Out

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