Friday, January 29, 2010

Block. Jam. Assist. Bruise.

I'm sitting on a donut pillow.
So, one things for sure. Derby training was awesome tonight. It's strange, after going through my old journals of how i use to see my friends. How i use to see this on boy, and now i see him as a man with a whistle and a big man-voice. It's daunting and terribly exciting.

I ate too much ice cream, mushed nutella and peanut butter into it. There was about half a cup left so i ate that too... no point leaving it. You know why i did this? Because on the way home from training i was so nippish (and knew after a hard work out... and a black tailbone to follow) i needed to eat back everything i burned. My body is still at such a low weight that it is crucial i gain more as to not stay in the Anorexia frame of mind. I'm sick of thinking about it, so i can only cringe at how whoever reads this must roll the eyes at another day another dime'a dozen. I can't help it. This is my Kitty Litter.. if you don't like it, use the garden.

But either way, i went soldiering in to Coles to get some ice cream to take home and stood there.. reading nutritional panels, comparing... then ummed over Neopolitan(BUT THAT DOESN'T COME LOW FAT!), Caramel/Choc/Vanilla swirl? Ohh a fancy one? Like the Coffee Indulgence? The fear isn't in the bowl. The fear is in the decision making. (oh by the way i walked out with nothing.. then passed safeway and tried again... 15 minutes and i walked out with blueberries.) I did end up having the left over of whatever we had.. but point being.. i had to have it then, because anorexia was telling me no.. "nah, you don't NEED it"... then i saw a picture of (insert drop-a-derby-name here) on the fridge door and JUST FUCKING DID IT.

Plus, Stack needs it. Stack needs to be reminded. But doesn't like asking to be reminded. This is a weakness.

I felt so good at training tonight, my fitness is up.. as this past week has been so sludge for me due to the cramps and the backed up to hell feeling. But i skated it out. And it was devine. My butt will handle it. Pad-Up Stack.

I had my weigh in today, it's an up.
I asked about my cramps. "Your body will start working again, when you start rebuilding again.. not when you're at a healthy weight forget whoever told you that".

We anorexics remember everything. EVERYTHING.
And i also get bitterly mad when women, girls, men, boys, mention going on diets. These crash diets kill. Fuck. Fucking. Fuck.
Handed in my resume at Le Body Shoppe today!! So excited!! My two favourite things. Feeling good and pretty smells.

Second day of Respite tomorrow.
Going to see Brand Nue Day and then whatever else takes place tomorrow.. baby skulls and what not.

Block. Jam. Assist.
Stack X

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