We all know it, i just posted a mega whole lot of pod shit on my facebook notes and somehow the window was no longer open. Nor saved for that matter, thanks technology.
I have been the most painful of arses lately. I know it, i thought it was a day thing.. a week.. NO it is a week thing. My voice isn't as loud as it has been these past few months but i am definately starting to decipher the narky badgirl from the absolutely stupid half wit eighter. You're annoying, young lady. Go to your room(you can't do no one no harm there.) Well you can, but duke will get his paws up for me. Hee-YA!
Wondering whether or not it is that certain somebody that has got my head spinning round, the same certain somebody that i am absolutley amazed can put up with my bullshit trollop whenever i go on my rants. For goddess sake, you are the real thing.
But i know that, and i thank you five thousand and a half times. Because you don't understand just what you mean to me. You give me confidence to face things i am not willing to conquer alone. And i don't let you know it all the time, but you somehow drag me out the other side without realizing it. But to the somebody else. I don't know how i keep hurting you. It's definately not a knee jerk reaction. Somebody boils toils and troubles and i have to lash out and attack. I have to prove myself on some kind of scale as to where and why and WHO i am, compared...
Easily influenced, stubborn as a mule.
I'm intimidated by the other side lately, it obviously goes to show that eating and food is merely the outlet to whatever it is i try to bargain with. Though i must admit my thing with the whole thinking too far ahead. Yeah, that's going out with the Recycle Bin tomorrow.. no with the Red Bin, i don't wanna be wiping my arse two years down the track and be reminded of the "But i can't have yogurt for breakfast.. WHAT IF I WANT A SMOOTHIE IN TOWN LATER!?".. Really, you're THAT bored. (It's not bordem, it's control.) And the only reason i have and or need that control? Is because everybody else is without it. And i'm trying to find my own way of living without it... by taking full control of it.
I have, on more than one occasion said "tomorrow i'm going to pretend i am the person i want to be" And the following day, proceed to live my day like my scu-wiff disease was merely a shaddow from five years ago kind of stuck to the wheel of my rollerskate. I will proceed to use this theory until i genuinely forget what it is to live life with a disease that rapes you for everything you are truley worthy of.
It's definately not the conversations or the schpeels(how do you take my crap guys, come on.. more calcium for stronger spine there, lady!) I can take it, i can take a shuttuppa-ya! every now and again. I reckon i could, sure i'd be stunned... Dad told me to grow up the other day and i lashed! For two days i bubbled and brewed thinking 'but how dare he'. Knowing full well my unrealisticly high-expectations that got me INTO this mess in the first place had completely taken full control of my REALISTIC/GENUINE caring nature and was heading straight for a cliff. He literally meant, grow... up.. Sometimes, alot of the time it AINT about you/me. And me, as i stand as the woman i am. Knows that, but for some reason(the truth, yes sometimes it does hurt.. But as the wise ol' baboon says.. you can either run from it or... you can learn from it..so what am i gonna do?) that negative mind set has been driving a really good bargain lately. And wimp that i am has fallen head over heels for it... but it's okay i ordered Pro Tec knee pads.. which will do me until i can get me some 187s. God damn not having a job/real income.
So rant up, after spending an hour even attempting to jot down the absolutely dribble that was washing around in my grey matter. I decided blog it out.. See what happens, and wave off the followers. I won't be taking photos of my meals. You'd all have heart attacks.. i'm not a vegetarian, i love meat. And if weight gain was the real problem then i'd be stacking away those Ensures like there was no tomorrow.. but i'm interested in real food, in dulling out the overwhelming sensation. And inner monologue. JD never thought this much. At least if i had a voice over like him i wouldn't get ansty about not being able to scribble this all down(because for some reason, i want to remember what it's like to be so messed up.. that eventually i wake up and smile back... and have the balls to chuck it in a flame'n fire and skate over the ashes.)
Eventually these posts will have some kind of ONE-TOPIC-ASSOCIATION. But for now, for the beginning.. you need to know the stone cold facts.
I'm not doing so good right now, the beauty of that is... i'm not ashamed to ask for help and also.. I know there is a better side to all this, it's mine for the taking. She's reared her brute strength and this is me getting ready to take her head on. This is going to be such a beautiful year.