Sunday, January 24, 2010

Battered, Scattered and Suffice

I want to hug the hell out of everyone that came down and gave me tips, hips and a mighty big boob graze.
Bella, Michellica, Rosa, Surreal Killer, Spot'er and Candy. It was so great. I didn't think, just dove straight in. I kind of asked for it, but i was tagged Captain of the whites and finally took some god damn initiative. It sounds so easy, to control your own head. We constantly give in, letting ourselves feel like we are controlled by this 'thing' this higher power. Crock of Shit.. Really. Shut up.
So i did my first low contact full co-ed scrimmage. And i am on cloud fifty eight right now. I'm not planning on coming down a while, so will keep you all posted with how my body is going to thank me in the morning. With black and purple kissy marks!

On rising this morning, i noticed old bad habits. Lying in bed twirling my hair procr-ass-tinating. About nonsense, of course. What i was going to do that day, how derby was going to turn out. SNAP, i jumped out of bed and started hippi-hippi-shaking around my bedroom and had a wash before breakfast. Weekends are usually Eggy. Googy Eggs and Soldiers. Always opt for protein. No matter when, this is a good part of my Disorder. So i made Sunny Side Ups on Toast with a big glass of juice. Turns out the less preempting i do, the less stress.. the less regret. I never drink my calories .. and when i do i fucking enjoy them.. Milkshakes, Supashakes, Good coffee, Cider or Lemon Lime and Bitters. But apart from that, my body does not like much but water. Fuck, see.. the tangents.. the food sch peel. My brain has been so conditioned, this is me unconditioning it... I need to do this, like weening myself of a drug... But i am not gaining fast enough. Sure it's not about the gain, but my body is still so underweight that all my brain thinks is food-food-food-food.. it's that obsessive nature. This blog will not be soley on my process through recovery. But mainly images, shit that makes me giggle and lots of FML's. Anything to keep me away from whatever it is i'm so afraid of confronting(and i will find you, bastard.)

Yes, yes point. I spend too much time in my head. TOUCHE' I spend too much time thinking, and not enough doing. When i am busy, when i am not in control. I can handle it. I'm using techniques. Whether it be making up my mind in seven inhalations or getting outside in the morning air just to hear the morning pigeons. Getting out of routine, for once in my life. There will always be good days and bad days. There will always be fools that can't hold their tongue. But there will always be Stack to fight back, i spent most of my life listening to that, taking on that bullshit. And spent even longer talking about everyhting i was EVENTUALLY going to do... shoulda-coulda-woulda.
Well i am, i'm doing it, it's done. I love this.

If everyday was derby, i'd eat like a queen.

I use to be good at dancing, i knew dancing..
I use to be good at being in love, and i wanted everybody to feel the intensity of the love i felt..
Anorexia was a hobby, it was an obsession. And it tricks you, i was brilliant at it.
Now i want to be derby, i want to live it, do it, smell it, i will know derby. . Oh yes, she will be mine.

Something as small as the flit of a butterflies wings...

Time for rest and recuperation

On your bike,

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