Friday, January 7, 2011

And i think to myself, but i want to think t you.

Joey Ramone - What a wonderful world.

I found the old hard drive full of tunes, i use to be transformed by music.

And i had the most bizarre taste, if it moved my feet i wouldn't skip it.

Britney Spears - Toxic is on this playlist.

Next to MacArthur Park and the Last Unicorn soundtrack.

I don't know why i feel so lost right now, i want to be strong enough to fight this dis ease.

So i'm taking the plunge

Some thoughts of my own... which is why i'm heading back.

"you don't look sick enough to be back there."

"there is no point in eating now, you're going to gain in there"

I cried last night, scared of what others think. Though i'd shift the world for those that matter, those that don't opinions haunt me. Why? I would drop my pants for my league. But care more about how they percieve my body(it is a tool, afterall)... I made it my own to never comment on somebodys body, nor appearance. I wish this was a worldwide affair.

"you look well" even makes me think i'm fat.

FAT!? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm underweight. For 3 years i've punished myself.

This rollercoaster is killing me. And i love rollercoasters.

The main difference is (The old main drag - the pogues) i know i'm ill.

I'm not anywhere close to what i was last time i was there. I enjoyed the constant company. I am half as manipulative (a beautiful trait of this bastard) as i use to be.. but am great at putting on my mask.

Everybody is fighting their own battle, why the hell do i feel uppety about mine being any worse off.

I can think f a million ("she does nothing by halves.. " - ) people who need protection from themselves more than me.

I am becoming afraid of food again? WHen did that happen? So i push on and eat the things that scare me most. But the guilt afterwards is killing me.

And all i keep telling myself is "i can't wait for my real life to begin" knowing full well... when not stuck in my head (it;s back to 40/60) i am living my life... a great life... just not as real as i'd like)

It's not that i'm selfish, i hate selfish people. see my point?

i want to like myself enough to look after myself.

I'm sorry i always talk about this, it consumes me sometimes. An overwhelming fucker.

Well, this is it. I'm going to miss having control.. but know i must let go COMPLETELY to gain my life back.

This is Lauren speaking.

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