Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Run as slow as you want to, but just get out there and run.

And i will try, to fix you.
Vivid moments last night.
It's ironic that i drink to make my insides stop hurting?
And it's a love that gives me heartburn, it's a song that makes my stomach churn..

1. For every glass of coffee/fizzy pop ; drink a glass of water.
2. Get out more, go for a walk, listen to the birds, breath slowly & deeply.
3. Don't restrict through the day; to indulge at night. You know this doesn't work.
4. Live a LOT!
Maybe these tiny changes can stop my fat talk.
Because when i eat something i'm so busy worrying about how it is being layed on as fat that i forget to enjoy. So if someone said 'then don't do eat it' my inner monologue, that is possesed by something trying to creep back in and kill me is saying "SCORE! TOLD YA FATTY!"
So i eat chocolate, feel bad, but feel like i am winning...
Instead of enjoying.......

Go figure.
Do you eat because you're hungry?
It's been 3 years now, i've lost most sense of hunger/pleasure in EVERY sense of the word.. and basically normality with food.
I'd much rather eat with friends than alone.
Except breakfast... i'm a sucker for breakfast

In one day of being away from the drowning land of FB i feel like i am amongst this new breed of life. Dad actually said to me... "I am proud, it's not your thing anyway..." PROUD... because i dumped a social networking site.

We spent the day in the sunshine playing with snails and watching Bhoy run into garden gnomes head on.

We baked Banana Bread... one with Craisins and Almonds.. one with Walnuts...
I had a slivvering after training...

I realized i am missing VRDL bout due to my beautiful friends baby shower. And i don't feel an ounce of sadness. Because for so long i used exercise of any form; including roller derby to avoid situations that were not 100% under my control. People say i am nice; i feel like i am so mean. Last night i munched on some Reeses Peanut Butter drops on the drive home from training, though it wasn't for long and i felt like the silliest bambi, tripping pacelines.. couldn't squat properly. For the first time ever i won SSS but Dolly wasn't giving it her all. Pitiful.

I breathed ever so slowly and rembarked on my inner sanctuary. The more i breath, the less i think. And the less i think the more i can take time to just notice things around me. I'm not ever not doing something. Or 10 things at once. This morning i asked a friend what kind of Banana Bread she prefered, whilst i was unloading the dishwasher, packing the laundry basket, getting dressed, boiling googy eggs, feeding Bub'n Squeek and cleaning the benchtop. I can't manage to do one thing at a time. Anxious energy.

And it is just anxiety. You have it, whoever reads this.
My deal is; you could tell how out of control i was from the way i looked.
I went through some old photos.

Just a ... i'm not far away from this in NUMBERS but in LIFE... another world.
I want warmer weather; for the smell, and the adventures.

O' i totally feel a list coming on.
Isis Dates-
More Familia BBQ's
Ice Cream Queenscliffe
More work? Please?
Dawg walking.

See you out there.


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