Sunday, November 14, 2010

something, give me something.

I’ve always been a really philosophical person. Growing up, my friends would be running around the playground pretending to live in a castle or be captured prisoners and I would just sort of sit back and observe and think. I’m not sure what exactly I was thinking about- but I would just think. I would see birds fly by and think about how incredible life is, and the wind would blow and leaves would change and I would just observe and think, and be thankful. I would create hypothesis for little questions in life, and I have always assessed people for who I thought they were, not who they portrayed themselves as.

I lost this during my disease. I became extremely deep but only in the sense of the disorder. I would create ideas or theories about anything besides recovery or my disorder itself, and as I began to recover I lost this and I even acknowledged my concern about this. At the time I thought I was losing this part of myself, but in retrospect I was just transforming it back to what it used to be.

I guess it scares me a little, because it’s what makes me different from everyone else and it makes me think about my feelings and beliefs. It allows me to look deeper into my self and it’s not something I can really prepare for, I just need to accept it and embrace it. I need allow myself to be me.

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