Sunday, December 5, 2010

it;'s just a scratch..

So although i may not be doing as well lately.. i am at least aware that i am not doing well. I am not questioning as to why i am over exercising.. at first, it felt amazing.. to be out and about before others were out of bed, fixing breakfast.. i was strolling streets, avoiding work goers down the highway and basically burning as much energy, raising my heartrate as much as possible. I knew what i was doing.
But it FELT good. Then it became obsessive.

I withdrew myself from Roller Derby, and i will be taking a wee break over the Summer Break to find that little flame of addiction again. I was feeling obligated to go, having to leave Bhoy behind and in one case "YOU GET ON THE FUCKING INSIDE LINE NOW".. it's just a game.. And yeah, we all take it very seriously.. for goodness sake we ALL do... But there are nicer ways of playing. And watch your mouth.

I respect that league and like B mentioned, i am afraid that withdrawing myself means losing alot of friends, if you're not a wall-you're nothing.. well if you're not on skates what the hell are you? A shram.

I don't know what shram is, it just felt right.

2 Gallons of water later..

I'm hoping this break brings much needed rest, both body and mind.
A year ago, all i wanted was a 9-5 job, a sheep for a while, a dumb down.
Can you imagine me living like that? I'm already OCD... that would just help the cause, or it could improve. giving me some guidence in the workforce world.
So today, considering my big lump of magic has now had his testicles gone, cut, shazamm i was thinking of taking him out for a playdate.. but will have to see if Floyd or Egg would like to come.. maybe tomorrow..

actually i kinda feel like going to the mill this afternoon, i have to pick up some things tomorrow so might save the petrol and just chill at home.

One main thing i know i have to now concentrate on, is getting out of my head.
When i walk, i have to FORCE myself to concentrate on the coloured roses in the garden, the shape of the roofs, where the snails are by moonlight, because i get locked in my head and the time goes by and it's an ongoing process.
Basically i'm sliding, but with one slide back comes 3 jumps forward, i'm aware and quite positive (today) that i will make it out the other end.
And stop judging myself, for things i do, for actions and decisions i make.
I will stop punishing myself, or at least try to. I will forgive myself.

And treat myself with the love and compassion that i wish i had the balls to.

See you in the real world.

dear aron, please come out of your bedroom and into the sunshine, life is fun.

(an actual thought from my walk the other morning; "what the fuck am i trying to stay alive for, obviously i want to live, but what is this? i'm not living! i'm plodding along trying to maintain slash lose body weight slash fat!!! for what? is this a life? what am i doing it for? am i happy? FUCK NO, then why am i continueing this?") See, complete lightning bolts of rational thoughts, of reality... then i start making sure i have my daily routine set up...

what a wanker.

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