Sunday, October 10, 2010

Delivery of... Egg?

I kind of can't believe some things are happening at such speed.
Yet with such grace as well.

Today was one of them.
An amazing morning of pidgeons, gents in flatcaps and beautiful Mocconna on the balcony. Making sure that i caught a glimpse of the ocean before i left for work. And work? With a bird having a little poop on my shoulder all i can say is; a bird was on my shoulder.

I was petrified of birds less than a month ago, the thought of their beedy eyes and fluttery wings flapping about.. made me jittery with a side of hand trembles. But today, i could ask Tequila to step up, step up, step up and she pooped on my shoulder.

Roller Derby is my one place i know i don't have to think about my body, as most of it is on display(under work uniform of khaki and navy blue teeshirts.. i'm pretty sure it's the smile that eggs the puppies on, not how much gap is between the waistline and my tummy) but today felt different, lately i have been trying to just go with feelings; avoiding binges and therefor feeling satisfied when i do eat and still quite anxious when i miss a meal(not because i'm a greedy guts, but because i spent alot of my life starving myself.. that when i get even slight hunger i think SHIT I'M GOING BACKWARDS and just need to eat something.)

But S just stepped on some feelings.
For going on four years i have hated my body, it's weird lumps, it's jutty out ribs, it's slender yet flabby frame. Never once considering the damage i had laid on the inside. And damage to the point of breaking something so beautiful. So when "Look at your belly, are you pregnant..." This destroyed me. I haven't been comfortable with my body for a while. Scales being unavoidable at work due to stepping on them with puppies or.. well see, they're huge so we do it for fun. ** just sits there. That number is always there. I don't budge, but i look like i rollercoaster.

So i made the wrong choice, and then my old ways came back flaring. I broke and told somebody the miss take i made. And it won't happen again.

But no, i'm not pregnant. Because i want to be so skinny, i had to be skinny, i just had to! I have gone 4 years without a menstrual period. I now have jiggle(i can tell when i go over speed bumps in my car) slight jiggle, the padded bra helps.
But my body is a frame with tough meat on it. Maybe the extra kaygees are muscle.

And right when i'm about to fall. A text, a message, a smile... a thought. a photo.
SOMETHING happens.
Trusting in the world is the best thing i've ever done.
Going out for dinner three nights in a row and being able to spend time with my friends and familia. I want to spend more time with my brother and my nephews and niece but he doesn't look at me the same. Though i think about him every single moment of the day.

This is all over the place; as per usual.
I am working outrageously and erratically as a Puppy School Teacher whilst applying for University. I want to make a change; "just a puppy school teacher?"
I make people happy, i MAKE happy... i am happy. Sometimes. Sometimes i am miserable beyond belief. Crying for no reason, because i am in a constant struggle with my brain. Difference being, i'm not skeletal anymore, so now it's just the inner skeleton in the closet that's grinding me down. It won't beat me.

Buddha believes we have 3 levels.
Adult, Parent and Child.
3 choices.
The adult is the source.
The parents is the docile.
The child is the creator.
Or so i see's it.

I'm off from FB land for a while, need the real world to cover some wounds.

Though i didn't make it to the Bloody Marys i will be on the side lines cheering them on and though heavy hearted, smile faced. Because i have the chance to train with them.

Maybe, just maybe... this is all in good time.
Maybe i should just walk away, some people aren't cut out for Roller Derby.
Stack is slowly Laurenizing herself again.
And can't say i'm disappointed or worried about this.

Bed time.
Sleepy time.



  1. I really hope the Laurenizing is a good thing, Stack is such a wonderful person, and most certainly cut out for Roller Derby. Look just how far you have come in such a short time. I know there's nothing I can say to help the ups and the downs become easier, less frequent, I know there's nothing I can say to make you believe in yourself more, but you really do look beautiful. Your jiggle is gorgeous (not to mention simply relaxed muscles), your booty is lethal. You are struggling now, but do not throw in the towel, you have so much more growing to do (mentally I mean...) and even though the derby community can be tough, we are all here to support you unconditionally. That means through your ups and most of all your downs.
    Just because you didn't make a Mary this time, it's not over. I waited so, SO long for this opportunity, cried so many times over not being good enough, but, look, I'm here. If I can do it, you can too. Bambi no more, but Stack Kat, a formidable surge and tear-worthy hip-check...a Mary soon enough!

  2. Scar, you are wonderful. Thank you for your hug when i didn't think i needed nor wanted it. You didn't give me a choice and in the end it helped 100. You're right you know; i know i am still medically underweight yet see my worthiness to be based completely on reflection and said number. Neither of which matter. I hate what i did. Because for now, i'd much rather be the teethy grin than the weight on hips.

    You make so many good points.
    Funnily enough it's lunchtime.
    Google low carb no more.