Isn't it amazing, when capturing a thought becomes so hard that we beat ourselves up over the time spent thinking and not so much doing?
Okay; so when i talk.. sometimes i forget that i have already spent at least an hour fobbing off the idea and going over and over nit picking every situation, every outcome, every repercussion.. and it all bubbles down to ONE specific line.. and then i say that line and or question.. and get a billion blank stares, a few chuckles and a 'what the fuck is your problem?'
Everything i put into my body; i consider weight.
When i think of putting myself first; i feel ill.
Last night i was drying off my body from after a shower(nothing beats a pelting hot shower.. especially when you know what it's like to have a dripping little excuse of a piddly shower away from 'home'). So i says to myself i says.... Happy doesn't have a number. This sounds so naive and so incredibly simple. But to put it harshly. The tinier i get, the easier it is for me to trick myself into thinking i'm a better person, a happier a person, a healthier person, a winner. When i'm on rollerskates, i am merely one of the pack. Sometimes the runt. But i long to be a winner.
When in kilt; i'm a winner.. the feeling of knowing your toes are pointed in such a manner.. the "behind step behind" was nailed in third step. And you jump higher with every bounce because you ate a banana right before training.
Remember Steve from Jerry Springer? Youtube his video with the girl with anorexia nervosa. Starving herself to death. I never saw myself as being slim let alone skinny.. let alone skeletal.. (i still smile when i think of that little girl who nabbed at her mothers cardigan 'mum mum it's a walking skeleton!'.. it was a proud smile, how horrid.) But he says a remarkable quote.
"Nobody is asking you to live to eat, but you gotta eat to live".
Why would i want to starve myself; or starve my BRAIN to be skinny.. each step leading to death... to GAIN a life? I want to live, i want to skydive and have a familia, be moved by music, dance with strangers, eat tasty food, take photos in paris, drink in ireland, walk through london, i want to play with puppies and laugh with sister... okay; so this is me ranting. WHY WOULD I WANT TO STRIVE TO BE SO THIN (and when you are at this weight; even mine still the thought is merely on food. it's a condition where your brain and body are still malnourished that your bodys feelings let off constant thoughts of food to 'remind you to eat' it's amazing really but we are excellent at ignoring how we truley feel... even if our guts are SCREAMING AT US). THEREFOR TO BE A BETTER PERSON, IF IN FACT I AM NOT LIVING AT ALL MERELY EXISTING?? I DON'T WANT TO BE A PIE.(i love you pixar/disney/childrens film quotes in general) I want to have a relationship with my brother again, mum thinks this is a core reason to my problem. I think it's just because i am emotional and if it wasn't him i was upset about it'd be something else. We're humans; isn't the main point of living to FEEL emotions? To have arguements? To laugh uncontrollably? It's not to work our fingers to the bone. It's to be happy.. Right?
Speaking of which; home is not a building. Home is literally where the heart is. Not your heart, not their heart. I have felt at home whilst eating pizza with smiles. I have felt home on the back of a horse. I have felt home whilst rollerskating in Melbourne streets with people that genuinely cared about my safety Kat. So what; i'm 23 and live with my parents. I've tried living out of home, i didn't move back here because i missed them(though i did miss them, it wasn't the reason) i moved home because i all of a sudden realized i wasn't in the right financial place to be living independently and still able to maintain a healthy head.
I hope i got what i wanted out.
Basically; i will always have things i don't like about myself.
I don't like who i see in the mirror; so don't look in the mirror.
I'm playing Dog Washer this morning; then puppy trainer tonight; then rollerskating this evening.
And go.
x
Ahhh, I love it when you take Facebook breaks because you blog more and your writing rules. Next time you're rollerskating the Melbourne streets you be calling a Bella. Do you have my number? Tell me if you don't and I'll send it to you, you lovely thing xo
ReplyDeleteAll I know is people want you to be alive, dead is no fun at all.
ReplyDeleteSo do what you gotta do, in a way that you can cope with. Nothing is an instant fix and all of us are doing stuff that we think will make us a "better person"...the worst part is, all the stuff we do is just mind games and bluff...does it ever fix anything?
You don't need to be a better person, a smarter person, a winner or whatever. You are already win.
The hard part is getting your head around it.
I know, I can't accept it about myself either, so I know it's not easy for others to do.
But stay with us. People love you and care about you. Just keep fighting the good fight, that's all you can ever do.