Thursday, September 2, 2010

Beatles Puzzle, go do yourself.

How do i explain whats going on in my mind right now?

When somebody gives word of advice, i take it like gospel. I nod in agreence and engrave it into my head.
I want to look after myself and feel great. I want to jump out of bed again. And like Lauren would tell the world "YOU CAN DO IT". YOU jump out of bed, not the food you put in, or the thoughts in your head. You have everything you need to make a change.
Take a chance and give into the positive mind. We are far too close with the negative to realize how far we are from true happiness. We're all going to be okay in the long run. But for now, we must tighten our boot laces and man up.

I can't wait for Spring Time.. working as much as i can, saving as much as i can, relaxing as much as i can. I spent all of winter thinking/or trying to burn off calories. Telling myself otherwise but a part of me just wanted to stay skinny. Sickly skinny. Not slim. Not Slender. I want to be sick.

I want to be cared for, i want to be shown the way. A part of me isn't happy with the way everything is turning out and the only reason i punish myself is because i want to be the very best i can be. And i don't think i am giving it my all.

So, bottom line is trying harder i guess.
There is always going to be something to blog about.

Here is something; i want something to take up more of my time.
I spend 99% of my time thinking about food. I'm obsessed.
Sometimes i make three meals because i don't know what to have then instead of enjoying the meal i choose i end up regretting it and wishing i'd opted for something else.

It's the thought.
The thought we don't need. Nor want. It's merely there.
Yes, i saw Inception.

But it didn't shock me, or surprise me. I spend more of my days thinkign like that. Trying to stop/trigger/engage thoughts of mine and others. A thought is not a fact.

I want to adventure. I want to learn and study and i am SO excited for university. To start off all fresh.

Day three with no coffee, no chocolate, no lollies and no facebook.
I really shouldn't do this to myself, with my black and white thinking it's like a lamb to the slaughter. Because it means when i do have coffee I've already branded it as a BAD thing therefor i will punish myself, and feel hell guilty. Same for Chocolate and Lollies.

When really i'm trying to feel better on the inside.
I went to mum and dads yesterday because i am so lonley in this house.
I hate waking up alone every day.
I wake up with a smile when Js is here.

I got so excited listening to him talking about his annual Melbourne Show trip he takes with his grandparents. I love that. Because it is so familiar. I love how much i love him.

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