Friday, April 9, 2010


What a strange little mug.

Date Night, pringles,freak outs, face massages, cancellations, days of crying, let downs, ball kicking, egg eating, embarrassing as shit predicaments, losing sight of the big picture, test driving fancy shmancy cars, wearing clothes i use to love, no make up days, eating the wrong thing, feeling like shit because of it, baby shopping, preparing, long talks, family ties, seclusion, annoyance, prancing in dresses, skating, not skating, skating, not skating, to skate, not to skate, to travel, not to travel.... and last night realizing, i have never been so lonely.

And alot of these feelings are to do with lonliness. You can not expect a 23 year old woman to sit at home with her family(it's winter time, who wants to go outside?) with so many rushed thoughts, rash decisions and lovey dovey movies to come to a halt with

"mum, i am so lonely..."

It's been over two years since i had somebody i could rely on, a friend is somebody you take part with. Enjoy time with, laugh with, be with. Not a reliance, stop relying, i will if you will.

I am not confortable with myself at the moment, so give me time to find my bambi legs again. I was gaining for a soul purpose, and when that was greyed over with 'not this time, stack'.. again? Of course i was going to be hurt. But i can't be hurt for a little bit, just give me a moment to come to terms with that. You put yourself out, with a black'n white thunker you THROW yourself out there.. only to be wolloped back down so quickly and so hard that by the time you come too, nobody really recognizes the new curves and the bubbly time. They're not important, what's important is that everything else is working out. And by working out, i mean under control.

Far from it.
One of my friends this all these posts are directly attacking him, i'm not the kind of person that will go out of my way to hurt somebody, unlike some. But it took major psychological pounces to get where i am now, and excuse me if i need time out. Is it time out? Or complete pushed away. What i'm not cool enough? You would pick your comfort, your happy over whatever it is i was saying. Sure you'd try and permisson a bus of wankers, but you'd also completely cut me off on a usual post training family laugh'n scoff....

Sometimes you've gotta take the good with the ugly.


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