I'm sitting here with a weak plunged coffee and a beanie.. wondering what it is that i should natter on about this evening.
Oh did i mention i got a job? A part time deal at a recording studio? No? Well i did.
And even better? It's a derby-related, women dominated, rock'n roll studio.. in my favourite industrial neighbourhood.
So while my tummy pops as usual(really going to look into this, liquid? salt? dairy? it's something intolerant to..)
Listening to two bands shout out what ever it is THEY'RE thinking about. I tapper away hoping to one day eventually make something of this. Who am i kidding, i do this out of plain bordem these days.
I lady in bed last night, heat pack to the guts and mind even further so.. Ice Cream cravings and Craisin inhalings...I'm getting to a point where i no longer even acknowledge the negative voice that once ruled every fibre of my being. Speaking of fibre, my body totally realized i opted for blueberry crepes over my vanilla oats this morning.. giving me grief like a bitch she is.
But i realized, i don't need to obsessively scratch down every thought, every movement, every calorie .. there was a sense that i had to.
Now in Term II of the Eating Disorders Programme at the place i spent 3 months feeding up(surprisingly i have now hit a number that is no longer considered "Anorexic" "Dangerously Underweight" I am at the bare minimum of what the scales say is "bottom end of healthy".
Look body, we're never going to see eye to eye. But you know what, sometimes when i'm lying there just smiling.. I'm happy you're my body. I'm happy that you were there when i decided to make choices. When i decided to take that walk Anzac morning to see the wattle..
A fair call pulled by Miss A. last week. "So it still consumes you". I didn't have to lie. I didn't have to think of something quick. It no longer CONSUMES me. I eat at peace. I'm learning to do things slowly.
Do you know how wonderful things can be when you just slow down?
Don't walk so fast.
Don't talk so fast, listen slowly.
Watch things, slowly..
Now now, we can all poke fun.. come on what were you thinking "Yeah i think you took that too far". I can laugh, slowly i can see the lighter side of pale skin and drawn cheekbones.
For once in a very long time i'm just alright.
And i'm alright with being just .. alright.
So M, do you still think this is worthy of other peoples eyes?
Slowly, and yours.