Woah. Talk about a bit of a break.
So it's a Thursday morning on top of Leopold Hill. Heading for a top of 30 degrees. Suffice to say i am in the shortest of shorts and a pink teeshirt ready to.... play Wii by myself and possibly munch on some Mars Pods.
Where have i been? Where HAVE i been? WHERE HAVE I BEEN!?
Not far, haven't stumbled anywhere new. Lots of Skating, lots of noms, lots of faces, lots of not-so-much-writing. This has been both good and this today, right now is the crunch. I came to a lot of realizations whilst doing the Day Programme as an out patient.
1. A thought is not a fact.
2. I had no idea what a feeling felt like.
3. Anorexia was never my 'problem'.
Turns out, this whole anxiety issue just manifested in the nutrition side of things. If i was stressed, if my surroundings were somehow sad(a feeling.) or blurry, i would lose all sense of feeling and end up either eating(EAT LAUREN EAT YOU'RE MEANT TO BE GAINING WEIGHT.) So on many occasions over eating which led to a FEELING of fullness, which lead to a THOUGHT of guilt, which quite easily led to restricting/over exercising because i was in such an uncomfortable, unreal situation with my own feelings.
I found somebody to talk to, an old friend actually. Accredited friend, but a friend none the less.
Balama has flown away, to play in brighter sunlight and show off her wings of steel.
I'm going to miss her, i miss her now actually. But there is no doubt in my mind that i won't skate at her side soon enough. Sip coffee with her on some strange business like avenue with one of us in uniform and the other happy to see the other. And i can't wait.
But in no rush to go anywhere. Another realization. I was always reaching for something else. Once i do this SOMETHING will occur, when i eat that SOMETHING will happen.. Something GREAT, GRAND, WONDERFUL will happen and everything will be alright.
Turns out things were just alright the whole time. I just couldn't feel any of it.
Roller Derby is my boyfriend.
Having said that, you will probably find me playing dirty on it every now and again. You will find me crying over it when my feelings are hurt.
It will leave me with bruises and stains. But in this case, i'll smile at them and remember the good times. Somehow a very strange brush with history.
I realized eating delicious foods can be a wonderful thing, and there is no point sooking because your meal came to you cold. Or because somebody put butter on your beans. Look around and take in the fact you have your ever-supportive Mum with her own stresses and anxiety. Your dad, who after fighting cancer, depression, wollowing in agony and now manages to let out an "i love you sweetheart" every now and again, who can't find work and still helps to support his two adult daughters and can't find a job, sits with a smile most nights.
They're real, i lost so much touch with my own sense of satisfaction that i would go days without eating because i didn't know what hunger FELT like. I didn't know what Happy felt like, i'd laugh and be shocked!!
GRDL handed me the most precious gift last week, i have pride. PRIDE god dammit.
"The colour was white, white and yellow". Baby steps mind you.
I don't know who even reads this anymore, but i type faster than i write and it gets to a point where i need to word vomit.
Carrying round a thesaurus.
"i feel.... bewildered".
Thank you GRDL.
Thank you Jeannie.
I love you.