Am possessing the need to be taken care of.
A childlike persona, with the indecency to manipulate current situations.
A dogs dinner.
A ripe of cherry ol' mess.
What satisfaction for oneself, is gained from having to be babied?
There was a time, when i had to be admired. Then a time when i was just happy to blend in.
In fact, there was always a strive for perfection; didn't matter who from. Usually those that don't matter nor mind.
To grow boobs - from childhood to womanhood.
To admire parents unconditionally - this is a wonderful thing for me.
Hiding things from those that once meant most, now i am nothing but an annoying blimp on their radar.
We make situations more important by putting emphasis on the insignificant(us.) We're NOT insignificant.. but we definitely have a scu wiff way of bending.. folding.. and judging situations for our own satisfaction.
I never set out to be the best, the smartest, definitely not the skinniest. But once that magnification was there.. It was like a drug. It became easy to lie behind closed doors. Because there was no way i could lose out. It was literally me against the world.
Outer subject matters made their vivid impact; and nobody saw them coming.
I believe we gain what we can from experience, what is best for us AT THAT TIME. We go on our ways, and use what we have learned.. nothing ever stops us from taking bits and pieces along the way. Be it Fake Ray Bans or Buddhas from $2 Arcades.
My point being, i have a great hole there in me somewhere that is desperate for admiration of any kind. Whether it be washing up all the dishes so i get some kind of acknowledgment. Or to make sure everybody else is happy, because then i'm happy. Forgetting that all that does matter(and i can tell this to anybody in the world, but not myself) is for us, alone.. to make ourselves happy.
Which doesn't necessarily mean putting yourself first, just your happy.
Sometimes i wake up and just go on, infact i will. But i will go on knowing full well that this is my downfall. I am 23 years old in two weeks, i have been suffering from an Eating Disorder for two years. I have the most beautiful people in my life.
Food isn't an enemy to me anymore, but it is a constant brainwash. It doesn't let me forget about it. There is a lack of control.
I strive for something.
Something doesn't have to be something.
But we all do, in the end.
That's a nuff and a half for now.
Pens to the ready, it's time for the crunch.