Thursday, February 4, 2010

the sky, she opens.

Sitting amongst it. Can't say i'm a fan of air conditioning, something about false air moving in and around such peaceful scenes that just makes my chest dry and my eyes fog up. Spent today down at Mums school, and a bit cleaning up the ol' Caravan that we bought for a few buck some years ago.. Finally picked it up from the lot and deciding what to do with it(after bug-raping the shit out of the inside and having to brush it down with soapy water but it's a project.)

I cut short yesterday; not a good one.
I was beginning to see vicious patterns in things that to me were no longer an issue. Having said that, i've said those exact words before at the exact weight i'm at and.. at the end of the day they're the professionals. So i'm not going against the grain, or lying down all my feelings for them to break and smash open. But I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. The main difference this time around is;
1. I'm not IN hospital.
2. I am there for me, and me alone.
and 3. I'm not "there".

"Lauren, how long into your recovery do you think you are?".
Honestly? Now i see it, i don't know. I'm not THERE. So i'm part way in the other direction. Between 1-50!? I don't know.. i said 20-25. There is a LONG way to go, but nobody has a clue just how far i have come. I'm alive, i am yet to be living.

I have new loves, new lives and new news.
Not going to prattle on, just wanted to jot down some thoughts whilst the wind is still that beautiful sweaty north. So much so, it was a REAL effort to wear jeans today. Derby thighs are amazing.

Seams are a'tearin'.
My "food goal" for last week was; to no have a say in the meal that is presented to me at around dinner time. This was discussed in session last week and written down.
7 days later, talking about how we think we went and me being damn proud of the effort and fun i DID have with it...
"This is very child like... that's what children do, have others order for them.."
WOW. hang on a bit, we discussed this, and it was more a game.. taking the emphasis AWAY from the food. AWAY from the control?

I can not pin point my body and tell you bits i HATE, sure bits i dislike.. like any normal female being.. but nothing that i can not learn to live with.
So quite making me feel like i ninny. I am trying to move on with my life, away from this jester card. You're bringing things into the equation that as far as i'm concerned DOES NOT WANT.

Stacks Out.

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