Friday, February 5, 2010

He ate my heart, then he ate my brain..

I have come to some kind of level of awareness tonight;


I don't want to be weighed anymore, i am sad when it goes down i am sad when it goes up. I tried blind weigh ins but that was just a pain in the arse because eventually i'd gained 4 and then lost 2...

Look up foodies on blogspot and you will find 1023478019274 of recovering/recovered eating disordered blogs with photos of what they eat, reasons as to why they 'parted' with their eating disorders.
Photos of each and every meal they consume. Or do not consume, who knows.

I would love to have known about these mental disorders BEFORE i "took ill" But i didn't.

As of now, i am going througha hard time figuring out why these feelings are on the brain, if i was to excessively start restricting/exercising again. I would know i am no where near where i am. There aren't even any thoughts to do so. Right now i'd love to go for a walk.. as it is dusk and the magpies are singing their goodbyes. But i'm in my pyjamas and about to have some choc chip ice cream(thanks dad, you rule.)

There was a point to this blog.
Arr yes.
The eventual weight gain;
people are going to acknowledge it. That is going to be the tester.
They think they have the right? Perhaps.
They think it's a compliment? Maybe!

I can not CONTROL what they think, what they say, what they do..
But i can and will control how i take it. (as i smile and nod my head slightly at the realization WHILST typpering away on the clatterboard).
You get it? It's okay to acknowledge somebodys body, somebodys frame, of MIND? Hell no. But of body, go right ahead!

It's all in the stride, baby.
And i will have to toughen the fuck up, not just for derby.
But for the rest of my known existance. (Unknown.) There is no right or wrong. Just be. Just do it. Just keep at it and hope for the best.

Faking it till i make it has infact been a goddess-send for me. It worked against me whilst in the hands. But right now, i fake it till i make it. I fake all the tiny things but then eventually go "hang on a bit, i AM happy! go figure".

Good one Stack.
And good one Jail.
I am amazed. One that he puts up with me talking about it so much. A counciller would be charging an arm and a leg per 10 minutes for some of our wonderful conversations. But if in any way shape or form this begins to take a toll on the friend, no thanks. I will smother it with every fibre of my being.

Please let me know if it ever gets too much. For gods sake, if you told me to shut up.. ...................... as you wish.

Stack X

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