does not want, please.

I don't want to be in the majority.
Sometimes i'll be secretly digging into some kind of food(usually something 'naughty') and like a rat, a filthy little trash rat i'll be nibbling away at a slivvering or 9 of cake. More than what everybody else had, like someone who hasn't eaten cake for a thousand years. I did it tonight, you know. One slice of me goes "it's okay, you ARE going to the gym tomorrow." And everyday i wake up telling myself it's going to be better today, it's going to be different.

My psychologist and dietician have recently put together a project where i was their main topic. I was their "it will be okay". So of course i feel disgusted in myself when i begin these.. well they are... i binge.

Because while i nibble, i tell myself no.
I don't even get time to enjoy because i'm too busy feeling embaressed and disgusted in myself. The tearoom at work, when people are in the next room. Sometimes i've tried to speed them along so i could secretly steal another crumb of chocolate from the table.

When will this stop?
My stomach is bulging out around my abdomen and i can't explain why. I can't really pass anything solid at the moment and i'm turning back into old ways.

I have been to the gym once this week.
One; because i have a cold/flu. (though sweating it out has helped in the past)
Two; because this girl came into my life, a girl who wants what i am suffering from
and Three; because i've been lazy.

I haven't been listening to myself at all.
I've been telling myself No More Sweeties.
No more Chocolates.

I write lists of things to do to keep my occupied so eating isn't a trouble but a joy and a usual day to day thing.

I don't even have normal hunger pains anymore. I am either not hungry and eat anyway or i'm so worried or anxious thinking about the food that i eat and forget i've eaten and just sit their in an excited rage of emotions.

I'm too tired for this, it's all in the head.
Everything is in the head.
We control our minds, actions, behaviours.
Please help me be strong enough to turn the other stone.

I look bigger, healthier. People recognise.. And when i try to forget it is brought up again. If not by people i know then by strangers.
I don't want my constant thoughts to be pre occupied with food and exercise.
I want to to be happy.

I've recently decided i want to go to Uni next year and must do a math catch up class before then. But this means giving into outer limitations. I don't want to be in this comfort zone anymore.
My housemate i think is going to be moving in with her best friend and she has given me one of the best experiences at living out of home. Apart from Hospital this is like freedom., Though Food has scared me... again and again.

Not even Roller Derby has helped me out of this rut.
Work has, but even then the girls there eat cake. I want to eat cake, i want to eat cake and not worry about it.

I'm the biggest anti dieter in the world.
FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCKFCUKFCUKFUCK.

Just fuck off.
I'll probably be moving back into my parents house, under different circumstances until i have saved enough to mvoe out again.

My hours a\t work were cut dramatically and now all i want to do is study and be busy.
i'm sick of going to bed full as a goog. not happy full but sad full.. exhausted full... like 'just get enough sleep to gym tomorrow morning'.

Do i want to be the skeleton on the treadmill again?
Why do i emphasize my body so much.

Baked goods be the death of me.
Death by cake it will be.

I want to skydive.
I want to move to UK.
I want to visit mi familia.. the cherowbriars.
I want to meet puppies in france.
I want to cook with friends
I want to be lauren, as much as i am stack
I don't want to be angry at jailskate for burning the toast, or not living up to my..... expectations?

I want to be yoga obsesed again
i want to draw
i want to be tattooed again
i want people to se eme, i think people see i am binging myself into this shell of
something i am not.

i need to go to bed..

Craving Vitamin B, C and D.

I had a bad day yesterday, a really bad dad.
In comparrison, i had a pretty damn amazing weekend...
Ultimate list;
Shar Pei Pee leg at work
Working
Missing meals, replacing meals
nerves
Salad rolls for dinner
Chocolate Labs
Rollerama ventures
Bella & Keyes
Buying a dress or two
Completing forms
Making plans
Picnics at Buckley Falls
Sleeping in till Lunchtime
Jailskate
Tupperware Parties gone haywire
Free coffee when you weren't expecting it
Betsy Blonde & Boss Doc
Rai Scar & Becks mega roast & pudding night
Meeting the Dachies
Self realizations
Making proper plans for future
What i wanna do
What i gotta do
What i'm gonna do
Derby Training, in reverse.
Working muscles, stretching core.
Love yourself now, Treat yourself now.

i'm on hold with 3 mobile.. one handed blog
So when you get woken up at 2.28AM by a blood curdeling scream and a smash caboom blammo, you want to run away. You want to wake up 7 years old and allowed to eat what you want, put on your rollerskates and skate up and down your street without a care in the world. But you can't. You sleep with your light on, worried that she has hurt herself. Knowing you can't wake somebody from something like this. I had a warning, but no way of knowing what was going to happen.

Poor dear.
I wake up at 11AM two days in a row. I don't sleep in, i like making the most of the morning, the midday and the afternoon... i enjoy sleeping when the sun is down. (my hand is still smudgey with vegemite.. at least i hope it's vegemite..)

With a dirty message from my dear heart "You said you were going to get up at 8.30" Really? Really? you know how much i was kicking myself already and you make me feel even worse. Do you know how much i punish myself already? I am now signed up with a 24/7 Gym and i love it, i do. I love that i have something to do, somewhere to go. But i don't like using it as a way of punishment. Which i have been. I'm being charged for it, so since moving out of home i don't want to go wasting something that i'm paying for. Same goes for food.

As per usual, i get stressed and it comes out in what i'm consuming. Is it so bad to want to just lie on the couch and watch a television series? Something tells me i should be moving, always moving.

My head is stuffed, both now, from flu and mentally from stress.
I have things to do, things i have to do. And by have i mean, want to with a bit more importance.

Aka. Finding out information on catch up classes and university courses.

I didn't pass VCE Math, and to get into the Uni course i want to do i must have it. Therefor catchup classes is the way to go. Instead of waiting out another 6 months and picking up later.

Not enjoying feeling frumpy.
I am now at a BMI of 18.

Woah.

I reversed out of my driveway and hit a man on his motorized scooter.

*i haven't been writing in a long time... this is word vomit.
*i ate so much cheese crackers and chocolate because i missed dinner and was starving that i threw up.
*feelings over thought
*psychotics lost the grand final
*i love fruit
*i tried to go vegetarian for a while, Rai made me change my mind
*i want to take part in Going Without...any suggestions?

Back on the blog world, including images.
Thanks for letting me use your laptop Miss S.

Back to the scratching post...
Purrxxx

We have a She-Leader!

Well Gee wizz, i fly away from the facebook spectrum for a whole three days and Australian Government goes all topsy turvy!

I don't know how to feel about this incredibly monumental moment... We have a female Prime Minister.

"We'll never see a black man as president..."
"We'll never see a female leader of Australia..."
"You won't live to see your 22nd bithday..."
HA suckers; i knew all along!!

My calves are burning, my lady is shining and the coffee is black.
Enjoyed a bowl of winterful Banana and Walnut Honey Oats this morning, a bit of a play on the whole Protein slash Carbs slash Fats (Slash Fruit.. i always have to have plenty of fruit). I won't eat two apple in the same day. I try not to eat anything out of a packet(Ice cream and Chocolate hold the exception..)

I am looking forward to working this afternoon, finishing my cross stitch, spending the weekend with mi familia.. i got to hold Izzy last night for the first time in a week.. Gastro is something to be greatly avoided .. especially to that of a wee bern liker dear Izzy.

Today i will;
clean the bathroom(CHECK)
clean the kitchen (CHECK)
teach an ol' hound new tricks(Shake my hand, baby).
write some postcards..
steps of Puppy School into li'l black book
a stroll around the neighbourhood..
work
home for pumpkin soup and crusty bread
ice cream and probably some television..

i don't watch television, and i have come to the very severe realization that i may be bright.. but i couldn't tell you what a Kardashian is, i have no idea about the economy.. only that it makes 'adults' in my life sad and stressed, sometimes even mentally depressed, i couldn't even begin to understand the 'Dollar' and when it is good to buy some new Sugars.. Does this make me dumb? Does this make me special?
Not in a good way, i feel a bit daft for not knowing, i've never considered myself naive, i guess it's quite similar to my .. everybody has a good side.. i like to think no matter what, deep down people are alright.. so things can't be that bad(And Mr. Murphy says, if everything seems alright, you have no idea whats going on).

I'll never question Mrs. Murphy.

X

When your smiles stuck in m head like a pop song..

Day Duex of Anti-FB.
I spent the morning humming about the house waiting for 11PM to roll around so i could bolt on into KK to see Seemore Spinner. My phone flashed up at just past 10 and i was ready to be drilled.

The constant need of having to tell the world what i am doing is becoming a fuzzy backburn. I don't need you, i want you.. but never need.

I spend more time in the moment of things than wadering about my own wonders.

I finally got my lady, I couldn't thank Spinner enough for this. She is a masterpiece to me. An incredible feeling.. having carried this woman around with me for years now. On every wall, as a screensaver, by my bedside. But now she is at my side. For all time.

Endulged in a delicious Ham and cheese Croissant, a whisper perhaps.. "YOU'VE ALREADY HAD A BREAD-LIKE SUBSTANCE TODAY!.. AND THE BUTTER.. YOU'RE HAVING GOULASH TONIGHT NO MORE BUTTER"... no what i heard was 'I'm hungry and i got derby tonight.. feed me up.. oh i love this cafe' and on we go.

Tonight i head off to bed with a tummy full of Peanut Butter Cups. I have been in high love with this Toxic for many a moon. For a year now have known of her but what a wonder. A leader in every sense of the word. Sends me.. ME... a mighty bag of Peanut Butter Cups and a reason to sleep in. A wonder; understatement. She is just divine.

Off we pop. Not much on for tomorrow. Mister O'Keefe was booked out and couldnt' see me in time before i had to run off to work. So have rescegged.

I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
But i'm fine, i'm fine..

I am moments away from running out the door to my first appointment with P.O'K in about 3 months. Well exactly three months actually.

I have jumped on the computer twice, both times UNWILLINGLY tappering in 'w.w.w.f.a.c.e.b.o.o.k.c.o.m' WOW NELLY. No thanks.
Diverting straight back onto this to tell the world that it aint all it cracked up to be, the interweb, not the world. I went for a walk across the highway to drop off my friends birthday presents at her door... visited some family friends and their new Pup.. giving them some pointers that i have already picked up from Puppy-Pre-School.
Nom'd on the most DELICIOUS Homemade Pumpkin Soup and crust bread(Thanks Papa) I really, really miss having dinner dished up for me. I took it upon myself years ago to take care and prepare for myself and only myself. Portion Size, Grams of Fat, Even what dish it is served on. There is nothing i love more than eating out, with friends.. where the focus is on the person, the sound, the atmosphere, the aromas.
Ah yes.

So Keefy, what can i say? I'm happy sir, so thanks for helping.

Then off to work and straight to training from there...
Probably a midnight bowl-o-porridge to tire me over till 12-00PM tomorrow.. oh and the anticipation rises.

Take care now.
Bye Bye then.
xx

Happy Birthday K!

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Taking time away from Facebook is like trying to drain marrow from a bone.
Why must we be constantly 'updated' with what everybody else is doing/upto?
Are they even real? I know for once i think about what i'm going to update my status as before i update it. To see what kind of replies i get? To show others that i actually lead a great life?

What is with the need and wants to SIMPLY MUST KNOW how your life compares.
For me, i have found it is also a boredom factor. I have nothing to do during the day(of course i have things to do during the day i just think it's too hard).

I went looking for casual work a few weeks ago and settled nice and snug into my brothers place of work also, where i am slowly being trained up to be the next Puppy Trainer. Can you imagine my delight? It was exactly that, maybe a bit more blush and glow. (Two french bulldogs stole my heart last night, one had a dud-eye.. i could have died).

But i thought it would be taking up my days.
No, my days now start at 3pm every day and follow through to 10pm.
This includes going from Work - Training on three nights.

So now, as per usual.. i am finding it harder and harder to get out of bed.
Even cutting back my food intake. I don't get hungry in Winter.

Kerry Anne is showing 'weirdo's.
1. a lady that collects teabags.. dirty teabags.
2. our dalmation passed away... let's paint our house spotty.

I'm going to grab a pear and head on over to drop off my friends birthday present.
Happy Birthday Kathryn.

Next update will include;
Boys, Fellas, Scamps, Scoundrels & my how my heart wanted it all.
(Oh my god, i'm thinking about boys again... bliss!)

is holding her own, and happy.

Oh my, where do i begin with this mega watt?

IZABEL ANGELIQUE McMANUS WAS BORN 7TH OF JUNE 2010.
After a few bumps and gastric illness mother and bubs are doing fine, and G & T couldn't be more proud of their beautiful baby sister.
My first niece and will sound as bias as she wants, the most beautiful wee bern i have EVER laid my eyes on. A bundle of joy, hope and pure bliss for the family that not only love more, but work more than any other family i know. That family, as a whole... is something to kirtsy to.. So much love, it makes me ill to think i may never know what that solid bond feels like... Having said that, i feel the same with the derby family. People said it was a phase, it was
As it rains down in the Hollow i sit here, legs crossed in front of the fire refusing to move till an absolute need... Bottle of water(in a sappy attempt to detox, feel better after consuming so much Sat. Fats on the weekend). Which as acknowledged i don't remember much to any of what was consumed apart from good company and laughing so hard my nasal passages began to ache.

Great Southern Slam proved 2 things to me, i am not the person i use to be.. having said that, who is? After such a wonderful weekend filled to the brim of women on skates, women with attitude, a sense of self, i could never explain what that community means to me. From across the borders to across the oceans. When it comes to numbers, our Sister League Victoria Roller Derby League took out the nationals against Sun State Rollers. And what an epic game. Couldn't be more proud of Aunty K and the rest of the Grrls.

And it continued! Not one day without some wheels beneath me whether it was in South or home again. Ms. Wylie came down to train us up, situate us on strategic maneuvers.. and given the chance to train with some VRDL ladies. all arrows point to delicious.

Oh can't i just dot point?
# Puppy School Instructer, thanks P.
# New baby smell mmmmm
# sleepless nights and midnight texts from somebody you can't/won't/don't.
# Ink Slingin'
# Penny Throwin'
# Some hold on my own.
# Vegetable Patch Planning
# State Hoppin'
# Harder Training....

I'll do anything to constantly be improving myself, there is always going to be something else, something we can't reach, something we can't control and something that makes for a bad mood... But it is what we do with ourselves, our thoughts, our actions.. Make your own happy.

$$$ I don't like mean people.

Pictulas on a later date.
Hummina. x